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Chapter 32:
~Ditto McCloaker~
The two frogs, one mechanical, the other maniacal, were getting worried.
Wart was sweating more than usual. His teeth were clenched more than
usual. Two prisoners, lost. This wasn’t good.
After the Bubble Boo incident, Wart had stubbornly insisted on going
to the nearest Pionpese laundry to have their green and gray robes dry
cleaned, to get the soap and sand out (Pionpese laundries were reputed
to be the best in the world). After squatting in the raw for an hour
(“1 Hour Dry-Cleaning!”), they donned their fresh robes
and figured out what to do next.
Their first plan involved going to the nearest Sky Pop rental place,
but that didn’t turn out so well. After 20 minutes of pushing,
Wart just couldn’t get his fat, slimy rear end into the Sky Pop,
and on top of that, the store-keeper wouldn’t even give him his
money back. (“You rented it for three hours. Whether you fly it
or not is your business.” “Cheap little blue creep”
said Wart). Mamu called Information on his built-in phone, but they
weren’t very informative. They walked around town, getting scared.
Suddenly, Wart had quite possibly the best idea of his life:
“Hey, Mamu. You got a printer in those robes somewhere?”
“Affirmative. Why?”
“How about printing out some flyers with those kid’s pictures
on it, from your database.”
“Like a Wanted poster?”
“Yeah. With our phone number at the bottom. ‘If These
Suspects Are Sighted, Please Call.’ Just like that, there.”
It wasn’t as fun as a hostile takeover of the Kingdom, Wart
decided, but it was better than Master Smith having his legs for dinner.
It was a remarkably sensible idea, which goes to show what a little
stress can do for you.
“Thank you,” said Wart, handing the posters over to the
Muda Chief of Police, “Please get word out to the people to let
us know if these juvenile delinquents are spotted.” The Chief
just couldnt’ resist that tone of urgent concern in the gigantic
frog’s voice, or the wide, concerned look in his eyes. It almost
brought the old Pionpi to tears to see such civic concern. He agreed
to do it right away.
Wart high-fived Mamu as soon as they stepped out of the Police Station.
“How can we get the flyers across Sarasaland though, Master
Wart?” asked Mamu.
Wart looked around, and something caught his eye which made him sneer
diabolically. “Why, my dear Mamu,” he oozed, whirling around
in a pompous fashion to face his partner, “Sarasaland is home
to the fastest and most efficient railway system in the world. Their
bullet trains run the length and breadth of the Kingdom, and will enable
us to distribute our missives in style!“ He laughed, and patted
the stack of posters under his fat arm. Together, the two tromped over
to the station. “Two please,” croaked Wart. “First
class.”
---*---
Surely, this was the only way to fly.
Sitting in an open-topped, bucket-seater Sky Pop plane, gliding slowly
but steadily though the clouds high above land, wind whipping gently
at your face. The steering was a dream: No complicated instruments,
no nothing. Just sit back and fly the darn thing. There was a map in
the glove compartment, but strangely, no gloves. The radio was on, playing
K. K. Slider’s latest hit.
Alexis had taken over the wheel from Heidi after he came to and had
everything explained to him. He was the only one old enough to drive,
really, and Frofucious was busy flying the Nimbus. Alexis had one arm
on the wheel, drumming his fingers to the song, his other elbow perched
casually on the door. His hat was backwards. All he needed was fuzzy
dice. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so...
cool.
After several hours the air grew starkly colder, and as they looked
over the side of their slow-moving leisure plane, they saw a stark,
white landscape below them. Heidi looked down, and checked the map.
“Frozen Frappelands,” she remarked. “North of the
Easton Mountains.” Then she noticed something else. “Uh
oh. We’re just about out of gas.” She pointed her flap at
the fuel meter on the dashboard, and the needle was perched just over
‘E’.
“Where can we land?” asked Goombario, looking over the
side at the vast, barren wasteland below them.
Chibobuigi, peeking over the other side, spotted something. “There!”
he said, pointing down at what looked like an industrial city some distance
away. “Is that a-a... a landing strip?” he asked as they
flew over it. Sure enough, it was. Alexis turned the wheel, and went
into a dive.
“This place is a dive,” said Heidi, looking around after
they had landed. It was true. The entire town was dilapidated. No one
walked the streets. It would have been a ghost town, except that ghosts
probably didn’t stick around anywhere this cold. There were signs
of life all over the place, though. Through the thick fog, they saw
blinking signs and heard hissing machinery. It was glum. At the of their
particular runway was a single building, more animated than the rest,
from which all the energy seemed to come from. A neon sign over the
door proclaimed, “Dr. Gessel’s Laboratory: Please, Come
Right In.” They looked at each other. Surely a guy like that would
have plane fuel, right? But then again, they had the strangest feeling
that this way madness lay.
When the doors suddenly burst open, they knew they were right.
--*--
“No more, please,” came Kooper’s voice.
“I‘ve had all I can take,” followed Kolorado’s.
“Ah, but there’s plenty more where that came from, as you
will soon see!” cackled Dr. Gessel’s voice.
“No, really,” said Kolorado, setting down his tea cup.
“That was the finest Koopa Crumb Cake I’ve ever tasted,
but one must watch one’s weight, don‘t you know,”
he said, with a pleasant smile. “Well, maybe one more slice. Just
a small one, I daresay. One for the road, wot?”
Kooper sat back in his chair and wiped his beak on his bandana. It
was true, it had been the best yet. He was sorry for doubting his mentor,
even though... you had to admit it, Dr. Gessel certainly had a weird
way of showing his hospitality. “Say,” piped up the young
Koopa. “Do you suppose our shells are ready yet?”
Dr. Gessel stood up sharply. “OF COURSE!” he said, thrusting
his finger up in the air so hard he went flying after it. He landed
in a corner, on his back, swimming in hi lab coat. He continued to speak
from under it, unperterbed. “By now, my remodification of your
shells should be COMPLETE!” He cackled in a muffled way from under
his lab coat. His hand poked out, and grabbed a seemingly random lever,
and yanked it as he pulled himself up. Suddenly, two metal hands appeared
from the ceiling, carrying two turtle shells, and set them down before
the two turtles, now clad in elegant terrycloth bathrobes, with little
monograms.
“Now then, what did you do to them?” asked Kooper, curiuosly.
“Ah, I am glad you have asked! BEHOLD!” He went over to
one shell, reached in, and apparently pressed a button. Suddenly, the
blue shell was replaced with a smooth, gray metal dome. Wheels sprung
out of the four holes. Kooper and Kolorado looked at each other. Gessel
jumped up and down like a little boy. “I haff upgraded your turtley
shells, into my latest invention... ROCKET POWERED SHELLBOOSTERS!”
He doubled over in laughter, and then fell to the floor, rolling around
hysterically. Kooper and Kolorado ignored him, and walked over to examine
the thing.
“They are a 100% improvement over my last model.” he said.
“What did they do?” asked Kooper.
“Explode.” said Gessel, flatly.
The turtles exchanged worried glances.
“Ah, but here, you see, I have HARNESSED the force of those
glorious explosions, and used it for... PROPULSION! WHO WOULD HAVE IMAGINED
IT BUT ME?!” he laughed like a maniac.
“Like a combustible engine?” asked Kooper.
“A what?” asked Gessel, suddenly perplexed.
The two turtles eventually clambered into the shells, and took them
for a test drive. They simply got down on all fours, pressed the button
inside, and the shells transformed. They rolled around happily in the
lab, until Gessel took them up and into the outside air, to his private
landing strip, to let them race around a bit. They zoomed through the
door so fast their scaly skin on their faces was pulled back, but it
was a blast. They went so fast, though, they didn’t have time
to avoid crashing straight through a small Sky Pop sitting smack dab
in the center of the runway. Several figures suddenly peeked up from
the sidelines, looking very shocked, as they had just landed a few minutes
ago, looking for fuel, and in a flash, their plane had been blasted
into a million pieces by two gray streaks that suddenly shot out of
the front door of a factory. An old mushroom in a lab coat ran forward,
tripping over his long beard every so often, cheering after the two
racing shells, totally unaware of his new guests on his airstrip. He
seemed very pleased, in fact.
It was quite a shock to Kooper and Professor Kolorado (when they
eventually turned around and came back), to see so many familiar faces
in this strange place.
“Professor Kolorado!”
“Goombario!”
“Kooper!”
“Lads!”
You get the idea.
When Gessel finally noticed them, and greetings had been exchanged,
and stories had been told, they were led inside, treated to hot Koopa
Tea and Koopa Crumb Cake, and given a chance to reKoop-erate. It was
a relief to the students to suddenly be back with their professors,
and the professor and his assistant were relieved to have their students
back, safe and sound. The next matter, of course, was how to get back
to their school, but Dr. Gessel apparently had no more vehicles at hand,
and Frogfucious had went on with Mallow and Kari (due only to lack of
space, or else she would've stayed with Tadpoule), unaware of their
landing.
“But that will be no trouble!” he exclaimed. “To
get back to the Chai Land, you have but to take the Sarasaland Express,
which passes through here!”
They all exchanged glances. The famous Sarasaland Orient Express?
The world’s fastest bullet train? Whoa. It all sounded so cool.
“But where is the station?” asked Heidi. “Where
do we buy tickets?”
Dr. Gessel reached over and slapped a green visor over his eyes. They
looked at him.
“What? You think this science stuff was my day job? As lonely
as it is up here? You must be crazy!”
~Luigi of the Pipes~
"Alright guys," Pink sighed. "Looks like
we'll have to head back up th–"
She stopped abruptly as the anchor swayed, threatening to throw them
off. The Blade rotated slowly to face westward.
"No! Not now! We can't leave n–"
With a great jostle, the ship started towards Muda, slowly but surely
cutting through the sky, purpose of its destination not particularly
clear.
"Come on! We have to hurry before it takes us too far! Yellow!
Black!"
Black jumped up and Yellow grabbed on to his feet. He swung the smaller
Axem around in circles until a proper momentum had been reached, then
threw him skyward, landing on the deck above. Seconds passed, then Black
peered over the side.
"The anchor release won't work while the ship is in motion!"
he shouted down.
"No!" Pink slammed her axe into the side. "Hold on!
I'll find the override thing!"
"Hurry up then!" Green grunted. "We're almost out of
Chai City!"
Pink hacked at several spots on the hull, calling up to Black each
time and finding no success. Finally, Green shoved her aside, tapped
a particular spot, then struck it. "Now Black!"
The anchor jolted, then went careening down. The Axems screamed, clutching
the chain. The mushroom princesses tumbled over...
... and were scooped up by a pair of yellow shots. Mario and Luigi
flapped their capes to regain momentum, then spun around to face the
ship and billowed them out behind, to hover down slowly. "Cape
Feathers in the pillows," Luigi grinned. "I'll never doubt
you again."
Mario didn't respond, but continued to stare at the pink mushroom
he held. Somehow, it seemed... familiar?
The anchor reached the end of its chain, but kept falling despite,
dragging the port side of the ship down with it. Black raced for the
other side of the ship, but it tilted before he could make it and he
tumbled over the side, only barely catching the anchor along with his
companions.
The ship groaned, trying to level itself out, but the anchor wouldn't
relent, and finally it won over. The Blade's boosters died, and the
ship went crashing down in an open field just outside Chai City. The
Mario brothers floated down and dashed toward its side.
"Everyone alright?" Green groaned.
"Never been better," Black grumbled, shuffling along the
ground in search of his shades.
"What kind of field is this?!" Yellow growled. "There
isn't even anything growing here! And I'm so hungry!"
"Alright, Pink?" Green called. No reply. "Pink?"
"NO! My... my... beauty!"
"What the...?" They turned to her voice and gasped in horror.
Pink's body walked up, holding her severed head out for them to see.
"Stars alive!"
"Would you relax?!" Pink cried. "It won't be a big
deal unless you make... it... big... d..." Her voice crackled into
static, then died. A pink knuckle rapped on the head, but it didn't
rouse.
"Great," Green sighed. "Looks like I have to be in
charge now until she and Red can be repaired. Let's get going, what
say?"
Black and Yellow nodded and turned, coming face-to-face with the Mario
Bros. They lifted their axes to strike, but Green ran up with Pink's
body tagging along behind. "Please, we've had enough for one day,"
he moped. He reached into Pink's pockets, pulled out a pair of black,
star-shaped badges, then handed them over. "We'll give you these
if you'll just leave... us..." they bolted around the brothers
and across the field. "ALONE!"
"That went well," Luigi sighed, staring up at the Blade.
"I'm surprised it wasn't our fault."
"We've still got our capes. At least we can fly to the Endless
Forest with these and find the princesses."
As if he had heard them, Black ran back and planted a pair of bombs
at their feet, then ran away again. They quickly rolled aside, but not
fast enough to avoid singeing themselves in the blast. Their capes erupted
in flames.
"So much for that," Mario groaned, tossing his cape off.
"So where to now, you think?"
They turned and stared northeast, to Chai City. Towering above it
all they spotted Daisy's Castle. "To where it all began, I guess,"
Luigi replied.
They trudged over the field, making their way back to civilization.
Five domed heads rose out of the wreckage and glared red-eyed after
them. "Status of Blade II and Mad Mallet crew," Macein Red
demanded.
"Repairable, if taken to Master Smith soon," Macein Blue
answered. "99.9% of crew is un-operational, unfortunately. They
were not built to tolerate the same amount of damage as us."
"Status of subjects before us."
"Subject: Mario Mario. Subject: Luigi Mario," Macein Orange
rambled off. "Objective concerning: total annihilation."
"Subject: Princess Peach, mushroom status. Subject: Princess
Maple, mushroom status," Macein White added. "Objective concerning:
capture and deliver to Master Smith. Probable cause of mushroom status:
exposure to Petal Blast attack performed by Axem Pink and/or Macein
Purple."
"Violet," Macein Violet corrected.
"Follow them," Macein Red commanded. Slowly, they slunk
after.
***
Watinga buzzed high over the desert, sniffing occasionally, growing
more and more desperate. Finally, he caught the stench of a drying-out
fish and, grinning, flew down towards it.
There was Squid Guy, born up on the arms of six other Shys, ranging
from the giant Bandit to the tiny Tweeter.
"They'll be sorry," Watinga mumbled, slipping unintentionally
into an old villain's monologue. "They should have never crossed
the almighty Watinga! WHA HA... er, and the others too, of course."
He raced down to strike them, then stopped as a thought struck him.
He turned and flew a ways off, then landed behind a tall green cactus
and peered around. The Shy Squad was already out of sight. He clenched
his hands in anger, claws sinking into the cactus's flesh. It cried
out in pain. Surprised, Watinga stumbled back. The cactus turned, revealing
a white-eyed, flesh-mouthed face on the top limb of the other side.
"What... what are you?!" the fly shouted. The cactus began
to slide toward him. Watinga stood up, tripped on a rock, and didn't
try again, but rather let out a shrill, buzzing cry. The cactus continued
still.
***
"I'm tired Bandit," Tweeter moped, fidgeting under Squid
Guy's tail. "And it's hot, and I'm thirsty, and this guy's really
heavy, and that cry I just heard scared me to death! Can we stop for
a drink? PLEEeeEEeeEEeeEEASE?!"
"Do you see an oasis around here?" Bandit sighed. "There's
no drink to stop for. It'll only be a little farther to the next one
though, I promise."
A giant spider with a fly emblazoned bib, having heard what they said,
scampered up. "Samuel Suu, couldn't help overhearin' ya. Hate to
tell ya, but accordin' to my map here, the next oasis ain't for another
ten miles o' so. Just thought ya'd like to know. Now, if y'all would
excuse me..." Samuel ran off, chasing after a terrified Bunbun.
The Shy Squad stopped and dropped Squid Guy, jaws dropping from under
their masks. "Ten miles!" Shy Guy shouted. "Some leader
you are, Bandit!"
Bandit glanced down at his feet, downcast.
"I agree with Tweeter," Snifit sniffed loudly. He and Tweeter
plopped down on the sand and crossed their arms. "No more walking
until you at least let us drink one of the canteens we have."
"But the squid..."
"What about him? He's had three canteens!"
"He needs them to stay wet. To stay alive."
"Don't be ridiculous!" Shy Guy grunted, settling down with
Snifit and Tweeter. "That's just an urban myth!"
Lantern Ghost looked back and forth between them, then walked over
to the trio on the floor and joined them. "They do have a point."
"But... you made me leader!"
"And we can un-make you leader, too!"
"You wouldn't..." And everything burst into shouting.
They went on for some minutes, until Beezo finally cried, "Shut
up!" and smacked Shy Guy over the head with his spear. They turned
and looked at him. "Ahem, thank you." He pointed right, and
they turned to see a grinning, tall green cactus coming toward them.
"Pokey!" Snifit cried out, scampering to his feet. "Somebody
hide me! It's gonna stab me, I know it! Oh what a world!"
"Pokey?" it rasped, sounding as if it had needles coating
its insides as well as its outsides. "I don't know what that or
those are. I'm a Sanbo." Snifit continued to shuffle through the
sand, desperately trying to escape. "You're thirsty, you say? I
can help you. There's a hidden oasis only a little ways from here. For
some reason, the Pionpi that make the maps don't consider it an oasis,
and don't mark it. Probably because there's no water." It shuffled
off. They stared at it. "Well come on! Do you want to drink like
the Sanbos do or not?!" Hesitantly, they followed.
***
Dr. Gessel led the students and teachers to the bullet train station,
then took his place in the ticket booth. "Let's see, that would
be six tickets, a pretty penny in coins... but, ah, go for free. What
am I going to do with money anyway?" They thanked him graciously
as the train pulled up, then boarded.
Immediately, they were each handed newspapers by the Pionpi attendants
and took their seats, opening to their respectively favorite pages.
"Ah ha! Dilbirdo, old bean, you never cease to amuse me!"
"Scientoads Discover New Shell-shiner..."
"‘Keep Our Ponds Clean' (KOPC) Protestors Meet at Chai
City..."
"Mario to be Named President of the Mushroom Kingdom... Again.
(Unless he Refuses... Again)..."
"Classified, B4. Comics, A9. Editorials, A4. Local, A3. Sports,
B1-3..."
"Dear Abby T., I am the only female role present in very many
parts of a new video game..."
***
Wart and Mamu sat side-by-side on the bullet train, holding their
newspapers, flyers on the third seat next to them.
"Dream therapist, Dr. Panelpon, discovers that the rumored ‘Dream
Kingdom', Subcon, is nothing more than a hoax... Ha! Right! And I'm
King of Nimbus!"
" . . . mou N3XIA. . . Central Processing Unit does not compute..."
"VIXEN now, you idiot!" Wart scowled. "You've got it
upside-down!"
"VIXEN?"
"Does it matter what that stands for? Here..." Wart dropped
his paper and reached over to turn Mamu's right-side up, when he noticed
the six newspapers across from him. Four of the feet peeking out from
underneath seemed awful familiar...
The one on the far left sneezed, revealing herself to be a green Shy
Gal. Wart squealed with delight. Heidi screamed with horror. The others
dropped their papers and screamed as well.
"Hullo!" Kolorado broke in. "What's all this? Someone
catch whiff of an article about treasure for me?" He turned and
looked Wart and Mamu up and down, then leapt from his seat excitedly.
"A pair of land-dwelling whales! Why, never in all my days did
I expect to see such a sight!"
Kooper covered his face in embarrassment. Wart's eyes went wide with
shock. "Whales?! We're frogs, you twit!"
"Call yourself what you want, but those of such little scientific
intelligence as whales could never deduce species so easily, old bean."
Wart clenched his fists and hissed, but Mamu cut him off. "Master?"
"What?!"
Mamu held up one of the flyers. Wart grinned. "Well, guess we
won't need these after all!"
"We're... wanted?" Chibobuigi gasped.
"Fifty coin reward?" Goombario scoffed. "Come now,
we're worth way more than that!"
"Enough of this drivel! You shall now face the full wrath of
Wart, Whale Prince of Dreams, and the Machine Mutant!"
"Pardon?" Heidi interrupted. "Don't you mean Frog Prince
of Dreams?"
". . ." Wart's eye twitched. His skin burned red. He stuck
out an arm and opened his giant mouth. "Sic ‘em, Mamu!"
"Rarr!" Mamu growled, lunging forward at them.
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