A little holiday chat between me and Ditto as Scrooge and Cratchitt respectively. Edited into OG form, whoo!

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Bob: HAPPY EASTER!

Ebenezer: A poor excuse to put an egg in a man's bed on some seemingly random Sunday once every year

Bob: But Unca Scrooge, It's Easter!

Bob: BAH!

Bob: HUMBUNNY!

Bob: Did somebody not get a visit from the Soul Cake Duck this morning?

Ebenezer: And I suppose you'll want the whole day off

Bob: Well... it is Easter.

Bob: And, uh, Sunday.

Bob: I don't usually work on Sunday anyway.

Ebenezer: But I suppose you would think yourself ill-used if I docked your pay.

Bob: Um... not really, given that, and I don't wish to be beat a dead horse, I do not work on Sundays.

Ebenezer: Very well, you may take the day off. But be here all the earlier the next morning.

Bob: *sticks finger in mouth thoughtfully*

Bob: Sir, I've always wondered.

Bob: What does "all the earlier" mean anyway.

Bob: How much earlier is "all" of it.

Ebenezer: Well, Cratchett.

Ebenezer: You come in at the ripe hour of 4 AM to work until 7 PM.

Bob: Cratchitt, sir, it's a small thing but I like my name spelled properly.

Ebenezer: So I wish for you, tomorrow, to come in at 3:30 AM.

Bob: *thinks*

Ebenezer: To work until 7:30 PM.

Bob: What time will you be arriving, sir.

Ebenezer: *points to cot behind desk*

Ebenezer: Never go home on holidays.

Ebenezer: Creepy shit happens.

Bob: *looks on in astonishment*

Ebenezer: Remember that one Christmas I got all looney and gave away HUNDREDS of dollars until I finally snapped back to normal?

Bob: Oh, my, yes, that was a wonderful Christmas... Tiny Tim had such a fine time...

Ebenezer: Has the rascal died yet?

Bob: ...it was nice for him to go out so happy... :-(

Ebenezer: Hmph. More than what he deserved. What a useless life.

Ebenezer: Buying medical attention for myself insitead of him was the best decision I ever made.

Ebenezer: I feel like I'll live another thirty years.

Bob: He really was quite excited about getting those treatments... before you cut them off... and ordered all previous treatments undone...

Ebenezer: And yet the doctors never offered a refund. Rotten scoundrels.

Bob: ...the doctors were quite baffled as to how to induce lameness...

Bob: They said, quite honestly, nobody had ever requested that.

Ebenezer: It was quite simple really.

Bob: It was quite a blow to the child, sir.

Ebenezer: A hammer to the kneecaps a few dozen times is quite effective.

Bob: Yes... I think I shall never forget the look in Tim's eyes as that happened... given it was the last his eyes were ever open.

Bob: Seems the shock mercifully did him in.

Ebenezer: I don't even remember it.

Bob: It was quite dreadful, sir... ah, more tea Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer: No thanks, Cratchett.

Bob: Some cake sir?

Ebenezer: No.

Bob: Coffee to warm your bones.

Ebenezer: When did we start having cake in here?

Bob: Appreciation sir.

Bob: T_T

Ebenezer: Nigh-boiled water and dried bread is all that is needed for the workday.

Bob: Ah, I'll fetch that right away.

Ebenezer: *opens desk drawer* And I have it in ample supply.

Bob: Let me put some cinnamon on that toast.

Ebenezer: I do not require cinnamon.

Bob: Good for the cholesterol sir.

Ebenezer: Lord, Cratchett. Even with that raise I foolishly gave you, you still don't have the means to waste on this kind of thing.

Bob: Well you obviously can't keep water in your drawer, so let me pour you a glass.

Ebenezer: I AM QUITE FINE, CRATCHETT.

Bob: Paid for it out of my own pocket, sir.

Bob: *mutters* Yes, I can take care of that too, sir...

Ebenezer: Now back to work!

Bob: Oh look there's a coin on the floor.

Ebenezer: Give it to me.

Bob: Nearer you than me, sir.

Ebenezer: And yet I pay you.

Bob: You told me never to go behind your desk, sir

Ebenezer: I will collect it after hours then.

Bob: I believe some tiny bugs are making off with it as we speak.

Ebenezer: Cratchett, sometimes I think you have it out for me.

Ebenezer: After everything I've done for your family.

Bob: *titters* Oh Good Heavens, Mr. Scrooge, you and your jokes, sir.

Ebenezer: Not reporting them to the Health Department for horrible living standards.

Bob: You called immigration on me wife, sir.

Ebenezer: How many children did you say you had again? 17?

Bob: 16 now, sir.

Ebenezer: She didn't have the papers to be in this country.

Ebenezer: Only 16 now. A blessing in that, then.

Ebenezer: A shame the others have been so resilient, eh?

Bob: Runs in the family I imagine,s ir.

Bob: hm, awful dark in here sir. Let me light you a candle.

Ebenezer: It is bright enough already, Cratchett.

Ebenezer: Incidentally.

Ebenezer: A bit of news.

Bob: Yessir?

Ebenezer: My useless nephew has fallen on to hard times after he defaulted on his loan with us.

Bob: ...oh my.

Ebenezer: Being the generous man I am, he'll be taking your job next time.

Ebenezer: So you should have your things packed up by Friday.

Bob: Can I get a recommendation sir.

Ebenezer: Yes. Take your holiday cheer and stuff it.

Bob: Economy's bad right now, sir.

Ebenezer: Pity.

Bob: Job market's pretty weak.

Ebenezer: Why else would my nephew come here?

Bob: Might be hard for an unskilled laborer to find other work.

Bob: ...might cause him to get... desperate...

Ebenezer: That's where skill comes in handy.

Bob: *pulls revolver out of desk*

Ebenezer: However.

Ebenezer: I am not an uncaring man.

Bob: The Hell you say, sir.

Ebenezer: You may continue to do my laundry at the bonus I usually provide.

Bob: *ears perk up*

Bob: Is that sooooooo.

Bob: May I... use the 'phone sir.

Ebenezer: We don't have one installed, remember?

Ebenezer: Use the payphone across the street.

Bob: *pulls out Victorian-era cellphone*

Bob: I've got some Anywhere minutes

Bob: Call anyone, anywhere in the Empire.

Ebenezer: I don't care.

Bob: Steampunk phone!

Bob: *dials up house*

Bob: Hello son... yeah, it's dad... we'll be doing Mr. Scrooge's laundry tonight... yes, get the boiling pot ready... and son, remember that... special powder I bought yesterday? Yeah. Yes, with the picture of the little dead ra- er, yes, that stuff. Yes.

Bob: Add that to the washing water, yes. Mix it in. Oh, whole box ought to do it.

Bob: Good boy. Yes. Yes, and good news... I may be getting a... promotion soon.

Ebenezer: *hands you a bag of clothes* Off to it, Cratchett. I've thrown in the clothes of my housekeeper, though I will be docking her pay because of it.

Bob: Sure, sure.

Bob: *rushes off, cackling madly*

Bob: *washes your clothes in PURE POISON*

*Imperial agents step out*

Ebenezer: Yes yes. I'm certain he'll be trying to kill me. Just follow him.

*they take off*

Ebenezer: *sips nigh-boiled water* Having the Queen of England close to defaulting on a loan with your company has its advantages.

~later, on the telly~

"And now, VNN

The Victorian News Network. I'm your anchorman, Paul Peckinpaugh. Violence strikes London today in the form of a bloody confrontation between Royal guards and the occupants of a slum down Fleet Street.

A disgruntled employee of respected accounting firm Scrooge & Marley was suspected of trying to murder his employer. Royal guards got an anonymous tipoff and followed the suspect to his tenement.

There ensued a tense standoff for two hours until the perpetrator pulled out a revolver and shot two royal guards, then all sixteen of his children, and then himself."

Ebenezer: *calmly pulls out phone from desk drawer while watching*
Ebenezer: Yes? Hello Fred. Very well, actually. Change of plans. You start tomorrow. Yes I realize tomorrow is Easter. ... have you changed your mind about employment? Excellent. I will see you at 4 AM sharp tomorrow. Goodbye, nephew.

"And now we go to Sally St. Richmonde with the weather"

Sally: IT'S GONNA RAIN!

~And Ebenezer Scrooge continued to be the most miserly chap that the little old town ever knew, eventually rising to own a multinational company that continues to be a parasite to the world. To stave off bankrupting on a loan, Satan conferred the secrets of immortality to Scrooge. He lives on to this very day.~
~As for Bob Cratchit, who DID die. Only one newspaper clipping details that he ever lived. Only with the name spelled Cratchett."

And, as Mr. Scrooge Observed:

Ebenezer: Bugger 'em all!

FREDDDDDD

That's a heart warming tale that gets you all the way down into yer gullet.

I shed a few tears. And an exoskeleton. I have one of those.