A little holiday chat between me and Ditto as Scrooge and Cratchitt respectively. Edited into OG form, whoo!
Bob: HAPPY EASTER!
Ebenezer: A poor excuse to put an egg in a man's bed on some seemingly random Sunday once every year
Bob: But Unca Scrooge, It's Easter!
Bob: Did somebody not get a visit from the Soul Cake Duck this morning?
Ebenezer: And I suppose you'll want the whole day off
Bob: Well... it is Easter.
Bob: And, uh, Sunday.
Bob: I don't usually work on Sunday anyway.
Ebenezer: But I suppose you would think yourself ill-used if I docked your pay.
Bob: Um... not really, given that, and I don't wish to be beat a dead horse, I do not work on Sundays.
Ebenezer: Very well, you may take the day off. But be here all the earlier the next morning.
Bob: *sticks finger in mouth thoughtfully*
Bob: Sir, I've always wondered.
Bob: What does "all the earlier" mean anyway.
Bob: How much earlier is "all" of it.
Ebenezer: Well, Cratchett.
Ebenezer: You come in at the ripe hour of 4 AM to work until 7 PM.
Bob: Cratchitt, sir, it's a small thing but I like my name spelled properly.
Ebenezer: So I wish for you, tomorrow, to come in at 3:30 AM.
Ebenezer: To work until 7:30 PM.
Bob: What time will you be arriving, sir.
Ebenezer: *points to cot behind desk*
Ebenezer: Never go home on holidays.
Ebenezer: Creepy shit happens.
Bob: *looks on in astonishment*
Ebenezer: Remember that one Christmas I got all looney and gave away HUNDREDS of dollars until I finally snapped back to normal?
Bob: Oh, my, yes, that was a wonderful Christmas... Tiny Tim had such a fine time...
Ebenezer: Has the rascal died yet?
Bob: ...it was nice for him to go out so happy... :-(
Ebenezer: Hmph. More than what he deserved. What a useless life.
Ebenezer: Buying medical attention for myself insitead of him was the best decision I ever made.
Ebenezer: I feel like I'll live another thirty years.
Bob: He really was quite excited about getting those treatments... before you cut them off... and ordered all previous treatments undone...
Ebenezer: And yet the doctors never offered a refund. Rotten scoundrels.
Bob: ...the doctors were quite baffled as to how to induce lameness...
Bob: They said, quite honestly, nobody had ever requested that.
Ebenezer: It was quite simple really.
Bob: It was quite a blow to the child, sir.
Ebenezer: A hammer to the kneecaps a few dozen times is quite effective.
Bob: Yes... I think I shall never forget the look in Tim's eyes as that happened... given it was the last his eyes were ever open.
Bob: Seems the shock mercifully did him in.
Ebenezer: I don't even remember it.
Bob: It was quite dreadful, sir... ah, more tea Mr. Scrooge?
Ebenezer: No thanks, Cratchett.
Bob: Some cake sir?
Bob: Coffee to warm your bones.
Ebenezer: When did we start having cake in here?
Bob: Appreciation sir.
Ebenezer: Nigh-boiled water and dried bread is all that is needed for the workday.
Bob: Ah, I'll fetch that right away.
Ebenezer: *opens desk drawer* And I have it in ample supply.
Bob: Let me put some cinnamon on that toast.
Ebenezer: I do not require cinnamon.
Bob: Good for the cholesterol sir.
Ebenezer: Lord, Cratchett. Even with that raise I foolishly gave you, you still don't have the means to waste on this kind of thing.
Bob: Well you obviously can't keep water in your drawer, so let me pour you a glass.
Ebenezer: I AM QUITE FINE, CRATCHETT.
Bob: Paid for it out of my own pocket, sir.
Bob: *mutters* Yes, I can take care of that too, sir...
Ebenezer: Now back to work!
Bob: Oh look there's a coin on the floor.
Ebenezer: Give it to me.
Bob: Nearer you than me, sir.
Ebenezer: And yet I pay you.
Bob: You told me never to go behind your desk, sir
Ebenezer: I will collect it after hours then.
Bob: I believe some tiny bugs are making off with it as we speak.
Ebenezer: Cratchett, sometimes I think you have it out for me.
Ebenezer: After everything I've done for your family.
Bob: *titters* Oh Good Heavens, Mr. Scrooge, you and your jokes, sir.
Ebenezer: Not reporting them to the Health Department for horrible living standards.
Bob: You called immigration on me wife, sir.
Ebenezer: How many children did you say you had again? 17?
Bob: 16 now, sir.
Ebenezer: She didn't have the papers to be in this country.
Ebenezer: Only 16 now. A blessing in that, then.
Ebenezer: A shame the others have been so resilient, eh?
Bob: Runs in the family I imagine,s ir.
Bob: hm, awful dark in here sir. Let me light you a candle.
Ebenezer: It is bright enough already, Cratchett.
Ebenezer: A bit of news.
Ebenezer: My useless nephew has fallen on to hard times after he defaulted on his loan with us.
Bob: ...oh my.
Ebenezer: Being the generous man I am, he'll be taking your job next time.
Ebenezer: So you should have your things packed up by Friday.
Bob: Can I get a recommendation sir.
Ebenezer: Yes. Take your holiday cheer and stuff it.
Bob: Economy's bad right now, sir.
Bob: Job market's pretty weak.
Ebenezer: Why else would my nephew come here?
Bob: Might be hard for an unskilled laborer to find other work.
Bob: ...might cause him to get... desperate...
Ebenezer: That's where skill comes in handy.
Bob: *pulls revolver out of desk*
Ebenezer: I am not an uncaring man.
Bob: The Hell you say, sir.
Ebenezer: You may continue to do my laundry at the bonus I usually provide.
Bob: *ears perk up*
Bob: Is that sooooooo.
Bob: May I... use the 'phone sir.
Ebenezer: We don't have one installed, remember?
Ebenezer: Use the payphone across the street.
Bob: *pulls out Victorian-era cellphone*
Bob: I've got some Anywhere minutes
Bob: Call anyone, anywhere in the Empire.
Ebenezer: I don't care.
Bob: Steampunk phone!
Bob: *dials up house*
Bob: Hello son... yeah, it's dad... we'll be doing Mr. Scrooge's laundry tonight... yes, get the boiling pot ready... and son, remember that... special powder I bought yesterday? Yeah. Yes, with the picture of the little dead ra- er, yes, that stuff. Yes.
Bob: Add that to the washing water, yes. Mix it in. Oh, whole box ought to do it.
Bob: Good boy. Yes. Yes, and good news... I may be getting a... promotion soon.
Ebenezer: *hands you a bag of clothes* Off to it, Cratchett. I've thrown in the clothes of my housekeeper, though I will be docking her pay because of it.
Bob: Sure, sure.
Bob: *rushes off, cackling madly*
Bob: *washes your clothes in PURE POISON*
*Imperial agents step out*
Ebenezer: Yes yes. I'm certain he'll be trying to kill me. Just follow him.
*they take off*
Ebenezer: *sips nigh-boiled water* Having the Queen of England close to defaulting on a loan with your company has its advantages.
~later, on the telly~
"And now, VNN
The Victorian News Network. I'm your anchorman, Paul Peckinpaugh. Violence strikes London today in the form of a bloody confrontation between Royal guards and the occupants of a slum down Fleet Street.
A disgruntled employee of respected accounting firm Scrooge & Marley was suspected of trying to murder his employer. Royal guards got an anonymous tipoff and followed the suspect to his tenement.
There ensued a tense standoff for two hours until the perpetrator pulled out a revolver and shot two royal guards, then all sixteen of his children, and then himself."
Ebenezer: *calmly pulls out phone from desk drawer while watching*
Ebenezer: Yes? Hello Fred. Very well, actually. Change of plans. You start tomorrow. Yes I realize tomorrow is Easter. ... have you changed your mind about employment? Excellent. I will see you at 4 AM sharp tomorrow. Goodbye, nephew.
"And now we go to Sally St. Richmonde with the weather"
Sally: IT'S GONNA RAIN!
~And Ebenezer Scrooge continued to be the most miserly chap that the little old town ever knew, eventually rising to own a multinational company that continues to be a parasite to the world. To stave off bankrupting on a loan, Satan conferred the secrets of immortality to Scrooge. He lives on to this very day.~
~As for Bob Cratchit, who DID die. Only one newspaper clipping details that he ever lived. Only with the name spelled Cratchett."
And, as Mr. Scrooge Observed:
Ebenezer: Bugger 'em all!