Mariorocks: We made it!

Director: where?

Mariorocks: to my old-

*mariorocks falls over, hes grabs his head, writhing in pain*

Director: I-

???: LISTEN TO ME, ILL GET YE OUT O THIS!

Director: Who-

???: We have time for introdooctions later, grab the boy and lets get going.

*The man who emerged out of no where runs towards a bathysphere station*

Man: COMEON NOW, HURRY UP!

Director: Mariorocks, loosen your grip please and thank you.

*Director drags Mariorocks into the btahysphere*

---

Director: So who are you?

Man: Me name is Michael McClow, i been stuck in this hell hole for ages.

Director: So why did we have to run-

Michael: His brain was about to explode, we had to evacuate him from that area.

Director: I see-

Bathysphere: ARRIVING AT.... Hospital of Rapture

*And now, we take you to a man who we havn't seen since the last OG, you know the one..........The man has been working as a crewmember aboard a generic sea vessel that is doomed to sink*

Man: Yes! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE FOOL! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! AHHA! BOW BEFORE ME!!! YOUR POWER IS WEAK AGAINST MINE!

*It is seen that the man is playing Pac-Man in the lounge. A large fuzzy man with a wooden pipe and a sailor cap on enters the room*

Captain THAT: I say Kane old bean, are you finished swabbing the decks?

Kane: Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it....

*A giant tentacle rips through the room and grabs THAT, then it drags him to Davy Jones's Locker*

Kane: Jubus Crums!!!!

*Kane makes it up to the deck where he sees several men vainly throwing spears at a Kraken*

Kane: Oh like that will work.........

*A tentacle grabs Kane's leg, but Kane quickly slices the wriggling thing with his new 2-hander sword (which he can conveniently weild in one hand)*

Kraken: Yow! All I wanted was to be loved! I'll kill ya'!

Kane: You weren't trying to do that before?

Kraken: No! I mean Yes! I-I mean........ARGH!! NOW YOU'LL DIE WORSER!!!!

Kane: Worser isn't even a word!

Sailor: ALIEN!

*Kane knocks out the sailor*

Kraken: now I will rip the ship in two!

Kane: Why?

Kraken: Because I can!

Kain: That's a good reason

*The Kraken raises his arms and cracks the ship in two, he then grabs several sailor and eats them with a side of chips. With a full belly, the Kraken leaves*

Kane: Great, I'm stuck in the ocean, my hair is wet, and THAT never gave my DS back!

*Kane swims to a large lighthouse sticking out of the ocean*

Kane: How convenient!

*Kane enters a bathysphere and a blonde haired man wearing a white suit appears*

Clyde: Hello Sna-HOLY SHOE IT'S KANE!!!

Kane: Hey, I remember you! So this must be.............Rapture.......It's been awhile.......How's everyone been doing?

Clyde: They died

Kane: Yup, sounds like Rapture

Clyde: So X-65, I heard you've gone under a new name, Kaerf was it?

Kane: My strong point was never making up names......

Clyde: You know, N-65 is headed towards the hospital

Kane: Does he know yet?

Clyde: I don't believe he does

Kane: Make sure he doesn't find out until the right moment, or I'll knock you into last week!

Kain: Shh! It's almost time for my favourite radio show!

Clyde: That's not a radio.

Kain: There are noises coming from it shut uppa your mouth. Oh. It sounds like NUMBER 65.

Clyde: You'll sound like number 65 if you keep this up mister

GORE: Hey, Mister soul mister. Looks like you got some zombies down here in rapture town.

Clyde: What is the meaning of this

Kain: Yeah! (Kain swings his one-handed two-handed sword at GORE but GORE just sidesteps and uses the sword with tinder to light his cigar)

GORE: There's money to be made here, gentlemen. Withboxing.

Clyde: I'm afraid that even a brain surgeon like me who should be able to follow can't. For sure.

GORE: Well then I'll explain for the readers at home. Imagine if you will a boxer that never tires. never drinks. Never gets fat or old. Okay yeah he'll lose limbs occasionally but those can be glued back on. Now imagine that boxer in your mother's outfit. That is why I need these zombies and I guess you too you're feisty kid rrrr mmm I am being pretty creepy now. But that's buisness.

Kain: That's not buisness that's coming onto m-

GORE: Now you'll all get a part of the cut ON YOUR NECKS THAT IS oh right I save that line for later okay you all get a part of the cut sharing it fifty percent for me fifty percent for the rest of yous bums.

Clyde: I make more tha-

GORE: Badda bing badda boom done. A pleasure doing buisness with yous...

(Director, MARIOROCKS 65 NOT NINTENDOFREAK I WILL NEVER CALL HIM THAT Micheal McClow and Orter who is alive I guess finally arrive at the hospital)

Orter: I am alive he guesses

Micheal McClow: I'm happy for 'yuh, sunny boy, but there ain't no time for being alive! Time is of the essence if we're going to save this man's life!

Director: Hang on I have thirty voice mails and I need to listen to them slowly while reading a book in the bathroom and you've all got to wait for me

Micheal: Okay that's no problem why would that be a problem

(Elsewhere)

Fred: As my first villainous act... Perhaps I'll knock down a hospital! Yeah! The one hospital in Rapture DEMOLISHED due to the mysterious Glider-mannnnn!? Though, however, if I happened to just disappear omnimously into the background, I can interrupt the story as a truly badass villain at the worst possible time!

Fred: Brilliant, Fred!

Fred: Fred? You're alive?

Fred: No this is just a figment of your imagination

Fred: Jinx personal jinx (slips into the shadows on his quest to become a badass villain)

(Damnwhile)

Sage: Have you left all worldly possessions back in the other place?

Retro: You never told me to do that.

Sage: Too late- let's go!

(The door behind Retro closes, then disappears from sight. Retro looks down to see he is already sitting on a large chair, his appearance looks like that from his childhood.)

Retro: What's all this then?

Sage: Man, you were ugly back then weren't you. Okay, let's get to the fun part, which is probably more boring than you would think.

Retro: Yeah, this is pretty boring.

Sage: Deal with it kid, you still have to know what happened to you back then so we can get on with this story.

Retro: If you can call it that, but OK.

(The Sage hymns to himself for a whole 3 seconds then slaps Retro upside the head repeatedly.)

Retro: STOP DOING THAT.

Sage: No.

Retro: Fine, I'm leaving.

Sage: You cannot stop the process now! If you leave now, don't ever expect to learn your full potential.

Retro: Fine, then I won't leave.

Sage: Dayum straight.

Retro: I'll just kill YOU.

Sage: Oh, no.

(Retro reverts back to his Pixel form and launches his fist straight through the Sage's head, until it comes out the other side. The sage's eyes go back into his head, and he starts screaming:)

Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage: Sage:

Retro: Whoops.

(The man who was never named kicks down a different door to the side of Retro. Above the door is a sign that's lit "Questioning in Progress".)

???: No! He's coming to!

Retro: Question mark man? I mean...some guy I don't know...?

Some Guy: We need more anesthesia! Guards!

(A duo of men dressed in black suits charge through the door that the other man came through, in their hands are what looks to be a large baseball gloves that stretch up the arm. A gas is emitting from the palm of their hands. They are both wearing gas masks.)

Retro: What are you guys doing in my childhood memory? I wasn't abducted by aliens until I was 21.

???: He's still a little out of it, just gas him again.

(Retro dodges the one's arm as it just passes his head. With his fist still through the Sage's head, he swings it around and knocks them both out. He charges up Pixel energy to his fist and blows up the Sage completely, scouring parts of metal and glass tubs and other machine parts across the room. Soon a gang of armed guards come charging at him one at a time through the door. He takes care of them easily and then walks over to the first man, who is cowering in the corner behind him.)

Man: Uh...um... hooray! you remembered one of your birthday parties!

(Retro grabs him by the balding head and holds him up in front of him. he looks behind him first to see if any more guards are coming, but there aren't. He stares once more around the room and notices it's starting to look a lot less like the room he was in with the sage. And now, it looks more like a plain white room with a single chair in the center. A two way mirror sits across from it, neighboring that is a white door nearly blending perfectly into the room itself.)

Retro: This is the worst Damnation I've ever been in. What's going on?

Man: You were going to tell us everything we wanted to know.

Retro: Who's "we"?

Man: If I told you I'd have to kill you.

(Retro holds up his arm, which turns into a cannon, up to the man's face, and begins to light the fuse atop of it.)

Man: I mean the CIA!

Retro: I was just in Damnation for like, five months. Why am I here now?

Man: You've been in our custody since five months ago today.

Retro: Where is here, anyway?

Man: That's Classifie- I mean, on a nuclear submarine just north of some nice little town we folk around here like to call (close up) Rapture.

Retro: Sounds repulsive, who's the mayor?

Man: No one RUNS Rapture, man. It's like, changing direction with the wind, y'know?

Retro: Don't change personalities on me, and I want out of here.

Man: The CIA will keep you for however long it takes.

Retro: Takes to what?

Man: Get the information we need of course.

Retro: What information exactly?

Man: The information we need to control Rapture.

Retro: I said "exactly", you're still giving me vague answers, and I'm getting tired of writing your name, man.

Man: Bummer. Well once we captured you we wanted the power of pixels as well as to discover the source of pixels, which is locked away in your memory, and stuff. Once we were done questioning you about your past we could extract your pixels and create our own using your unlimited supply. Then Rapture would be ours.

Retro: But I fell into Damnation, what the hell happened there?

Man: We made the moon son, so I think a little dimension isn't too much trouble.

Retro: What about Epic Dino?

Man: Who? I hope you aren't talking about those pirates who screwed up our dimension using Yerp technology.

Retro: DON'T SAY THAT WORD...IT BURNS.

Man: Anyway, we took you out of that dimension and drugged you while you were weak, then transported you to this submarine. It saves time to unlock your secrets while traveling to Rapture.

Retro: Why do you want to control Rapture?

Man: I guess I can tell you. Well we-

(The cannon goes off, hitting the man at point blank range. Blood splatters in every direction, and retro stares blankly at the mess on the wall.)

Retro: I knew I should have put out that fuse...

(Retro carefully steps over the bodies he let drop on the floor, and makes his way out of the room. He feels like he hasn't walked in months, which he hasn't, but he somehow gets to the front of the sub. Sitting at the deck is Rotcerid, whistling to himself while he steers the sub.)

Rotcerid: I've been expecting you, Mr. Belmont-

(Retro obliterates his body with one blast of his pixel energy, and sits down on the captain's chair, then sets course for Rapture.)

BUT WAIT!

(Elsewhere, Director is sitting casually on something nearby, and for the whole sake of this post, hunches over and "dies"...until...)

Director: Thought I'd die eh? Well it turns out Eggplants aren't connected to Pumpkins in any way. Take that, suckers!

---

OoC: Yep, I'm done with Retro's thing. So if you want to take it from here you can, but if not I'll post about it sometime later this week.

*Back to Kane*

GORE: I needs to gets more fighters now! We'll make billions!

*GORE leaves.

Kane: What was the point of that guy being in this OG? He doesn't do anything, I mean ANYTHING!

Clyde: Wasn't your name just Kain?

Kane: Blame Fred for being Canadian

Clyde: What does that have to do with anything?

Kane: Because I'm a clone

Clyde: But I'm a clone too! Ha! Ha!

Kane: You're not a clone! You're just an abomination inspired by Liquid Snake and hundreds of rich guy stereotypes!

Clyde: I'm not a clone? Aww.......I guess I'll go do something rich guy-ish now!

*The tv screen showing Clyde's face fades to black*

Kane: I guess I'll be all rival-ish and try to defeat Nintenof-Oh look! An arcade!

*Kane runs into a broken down arcade shop and plays the closest arcade game. A death tone is heard shortly after*

Kane: Damn you first goomba!!!!

*Back to Retro who is now in a bathysphere, but it's very cramped due to his pixel suit*

Clyde: Why helloooo Snake. Do you remember me?

Retro: I'm assuming you say that all the time?

Clyde: Sorry sir, Rapture's rules

Retro: But, this place is barren, you don't have to fallow the rules!

Clyde: I play by my own rules, bitch

Retro:.........................What?

Clyde: I'm going to be a main villian!

Retro: Uh...............Huh?

Clyde: You like SOAP!

Retro: You can see into my mind?!

Clyde snickers: No

Retro: F***...Can I have some snickers?

Clyde: No, they're my snickers!

Retro: So, are you with the CIA?

Clyde: "Kee-ah"?

Retro: No! C-I-A!

Clyde: I'm pretty sure that's pronounced "Kee-ah"

Retro:....

---

Director: Enough of that

Mariorocks: Of what?

Director: Forget about that, please and thank you.

Mariorocks: Fine, weirdo.

Director: Nuh uh.

McClow: Stop yer jibber jabber laddies, its time for us to take the next bathysphere.

Director: To where?

McClow: The shopping mall of Rapture.... but since the bathysphere is at the top of the hospital, we'll have to go through it, 'k laddies?

Director: k

McClow: Off we go! Laddies

Mariorocks: Yes sir.

*mariorocks and Director enter the hospital and proceed to walk up to the ER when suddenly*

Surgeon: No...nononojnonoOONooOnoooooo, this is.. whio are youoooi

Director: I-

Surgeon: NO MEANS NO TOO YA FLOOS AH MY HEART DIE CUMBERBUNDT,fegu

*The surgeon picks up a scalpel but falls over dead,loged in his back is a diary recorded on a tape player*

Director: Hum.....

Nintendofreak: Should we..............Should we listen to the tape?

Director: Really? I thought we could just leave it there and, you know, leave? Because "paradise" isn't exactly what I thought it would be like

Orter: But we gotta' solve the mystery!

Nintendofreak: ALIEN!

McClow: Enough! Take the tape from that dead broad's back will ya?

*Director leaps to the back of the surgeon's back and pull the tape, but t seems jammed, Director then wiggles it around and rips an artery as he manages to get the tape out. Nintendofreak and Orter are seen throwing up in buckets*

Director: The side of the tape says R.L. Stine, I shall call him Stineman!

*Director clicks the "play" button on the tape*

Stineman: Today my bathysphere hit a dolphin on the way to work, I didn't have time to deal with it so I pulled it to the side of the water. Due to ADAM, we are getting paid less since less people are getting maimed. I don't know why I like recording in these, or why everyone else does it at seemingly useless times, but I stick with fads.

*The tape then ends*

Nintendofreak: Wow, that was soooooooooooooooo boring, gimme my 6 minutes of life back

Orter: Here you go!

*Orter tosses Nintendofreak a lifeshroom*

Nintendofreak: Just what I needed!

*A surgeon jumps out with an industrial buzzsaw and a rifle*

Stineman: I'ma gonna kill joo!!!

*To Kain*

Kain: Woohooo!!! Lvl 60!!!

*Four splicers jump out of the shadows but Kain chops their heads off without peering away from the arcade screen*

Kain: Woohoooo!!! Lvl 61!!!

*To the Belmont!!*

Retro: Wait a second...........Do I detect........Pixels?!?! There's a pixel hoard around here!!! Muahahahah!!!

Fred: You want pixels huh?

Fred: We can lead you to them!

Fred: For a price

Fred: We want waffles!!

Fred: No! We want your soul!

Fred: Stop it!

Fred: Stop wha-*Fred's neck is snapped by Retro who turns to the other Fred*

Retro: Tell me where the pixels are, OR ELSE!!!

*Retro squeezes Fred's neck, dead Fred somehow blows up in a bloody mess*

OoC: Does Fred REALLY know where the pixels are? Probably not, but we'll find out later!

Fred: Hey jerk!

Retro: Huh?

Fred: Yeah, you!

Retro: Listen, Fred, I just killed you twice.

Fred: Oh they have tubes for that

Retro: I'll give you a tube where the sun don't shine if you don't tell me where those pixels are!

Fred: Oh you wanna go huh punk

Retro: I thought that previous sentance implied that I did

Fred: You wanna go huh huh

Retro: Who did I just kill?

Fred: I said specifically that I was going to hide in the shadows. Also the other Fred died last story. I guess making Fred-snowmen was a good idea.

Retro: Where are the pixels?

Fred: I have voxels!

Retro: Whoa, wait, what's a voxel?

Fred: It's A THUREE-DEE PIXEL DUH

Retro: Is it more potent?

Fred: potent how? Like a drug or something?

Retro: Are voxels more powerful than pixels?

Fred: They've got another set of co-ordinates

Retro: that doesn't tell me anything!

Fred: They're 3-d they're better obviously

Retro: Listen Fred I'll rip you a new one if you don't tell me where the pixels-

Fred: Voxels

Retro: -Pixels are!

Fred: What's a pixel?

Retro: I will show you up close.

(Retro punches Fred in the face)

Fred: That was a very close view. However you also spilled some of my coffee in the process. Prepare for death.

Retro: No.

Fred: But-

Retro: So long as I don't prepare for death, I can never die.

Fred: But it's good to be prepared didn't you learn that

Retro: Now quit stalling, you are trying my patience. And some of his patients. (As it turns out they're actually in the same room as Stineman and Director and the others)

Fred: Trippy.

Stineman: Ugly! Look in a mirror! Ug- Hey.

Retro: Yes?

Stineman: That physique! That form! It's perfect!

Retro: Is it?

Stineman: YES TOO PERFECT NOW DIE

(Retro grabs Stineman by the shirt)

Retro: Listen to me I will show you the limits of hell and the outer-limits and things way over the limit of your credit card don't screw with me

Stineman: gulp

Retro: I will show you the thousand tentacles emerging from its crusty interior eyes shouting "Hey nonny nonny" and playing your least favourite movie backwards for the rest of time

Stineman: Alright! Alright! Jus' don't make me look at cha'! As for you: (turns to Fred)

Fred: What he said

Stineman: Fine ya ugly jeeeruks!

Director: Can I hypnotize him?

McClow: Can you stand out in the open and count to ten without getting shot to death?

Director: No

McClow: Then there you go.

Director: Go? Okay!

(Director walks out in front of Stineman)

Stineman: You are a vegetable!

Director: I am not! Stop being such a racist!

Stineman: Huh?

Director: I may have purple skin, but on the inside I'm all man, baby!

Stineman: Really? Maybe... all this time, trying to alter my patients... I've been wrong. It's not what's on the outside. It's what's-

(Mariorocks throws a fireball at Stineman who crumbles into dust)

Director: Whew! Good thing you got him before he started living a lie!

Fred: Retro.

Retro: I'm busy trying to solve this plumbing thing.

Fred: You take one from the bottom and you put it on top

Retro: You take one from th' bottom an' you put it on top

Director/Mariorocks: YOU TAKE ONE FROM THE BOTTOM AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP

Everyone: YA TAKE ONE FROM THE BOTTOM AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP

Fred:Jenga!

Mariorocks: Jenga!

Director: Jenga Jenga

Retro: OHHH NOOO!

McClow: OHHHH YEAAAHHHH!

Retro: Okay that's enough of that I've set this thing to flood this building so they die

Fred: Hey wait aren't you supposed to be already dead?

Director: We are dead. Look at us. Even Retro's here.

Fred: Oh, that makes sense. We out, Retro.

Retro: You better take me to some pixels soon.

Fred: It'll cost ya

Retro: It will cost me your life

Fred: WILL YOU BET YOUR LIFE?

Retro: Hold up

(A bunch of zombies come outta nowhere)

zombie: Man coming out of nowhere is totally sweet! Now let's ice these punks for no reason!

zombie 2: How about since we're starving for brains and they might have some?

zombie: We're a gang man we do meaningless violence only. We don't need to rationalize!

zombie 2: oh get them

(Retro and Fred take them out in like half a second but I don't know exactly I don't have a stopwatch)

Fred: Is it hard to breathe in that suit?

Retro: I don't breathe anymore.

Fred: SO IT IS HARD TO BREATHE

Fred: I was just asking cause'-

Retro: You don't have a cause. Ever.

Fred: People like you need sidekicks. EVIL sidekicks.

Retro: I don't need anything but the pixels, or maybe driving lessons for steering this submarine- OH CRIPES, I FORGOT WE'RE-

(The nuclear submarine collides with some huge underwater building I guess and explodes with very much underwater fire and pain. The building slowly crumbles down to the sub-earth, and sand or dust and fishing lines that snapped off of reels are flung into the not air.)

Fred: Golly gee nuclear submission, Pixelman!

Retro: I SAID YOU AREN'T MY SIDEKICK!

Fred: Oh.

Retro: Well, I can make you an honorary sidekick...for a little while, I guess. But you have to lead me to some Pixels. Now.

Fred; Lead you to the pixels, I will. Now come, come!

(Fred races across the beaten path hunched over, with his arms swinging to and fro, moving along like a disgruntled monkey. He approaches a corner, sniffs the air, whips his head back and motions for Retro to follow.)

Retro: Where are we going?

Fred: To fight the gatekeeper *snort*, steal his family jewels you must.

Retro: Gross.

Fred: Come, come!

---

(Overtherewhile)


(Director and Nintendofreeeeeeeak and other people are playing JA-JA-JA-JENGA and it is Director's turn to fail miserably.)

Announcer: Let's see if Director can pull off this next move. After Orter's near fatal move, the team tries to recuperate. Let's watch, shall we?

Director: Shut up you're just making me nervous!

Crowd: 'Give us a jeng-a-plant and not an egg-a-plant'

Director: All of you zombies SHUT UP!

(Director's vision sharpens, he leans in to take a new piece out of the bottom of the tower. It shakes when his roots hit the piece. A single drop of sweat crosses Director's face as he slowly removes it. The crowd is on the edge of their seats, the Jenga towers shifts to the side, and then to the other. It sways back and forth while Director starts to pull it all the way out. He holds his breath and removes it all the way now, the crowd sighs as the tower becomes motionless again. Then, Director looks over behind Mariorocks or Nitnendofreak whatever and spots Retro running past some buildings. Director's root smack down the Jenga tower, and pieces fly everywhere. The crowd explodes. The announcer blasts off into space. Mariorocks and the other guys stare at him disbelievingly. They cannot believe that a paragraph about a Jenga game went on this long. Director's root stretches outward and he hisses loudly:)

Director: CCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mariorocks: Oh shut up we knew he's been here, didn't you read the last post.

Director: I...I can't read.

Orter: But in the last OG you-

Director: This is no paradise of mine where a man cannot play Jenga without running into old friends turned ENEMY!

Mariorocks: ALBORLAN- I MEAN ALIENNNENLLIIAN!

Orter: I don't think so, Tim.

Director: Should we run away or chase him knowing we cannot win?

Mariorocks: I dunno, lol.

Orter: If Retro is alive that means I'm dead!?!? Oh wait, no...no.

McClow: By the way in case you forgot and just throwing this out there...we're drowning.

Orter: I forgot. Am I dead yet?

Director: Well eggplants grow when we hit water~!

Orter: That ~ was so unnecessary. quit trying to show off you jerk.

Director: Oh wait I forgot I am an eggplant on the outside but really just a man...maybe in an eggplant-suit?

Derf: D-DERF?

Orter: Wha-

---

(Elsewhere in Rapture, an opening in space-time reveals a second submarine, this one landing in an un-inhabited region, as opposed to exploding. A group of people step out into the landing zone, one of them equipped with a wristwatch with computer-like functions and in his offhand a ladle filled with gravy for some reason.)

Hacker: EDIT powers activate! All right guys, I got us into the OG, but it wasn't easy.

(Four of the others who came out are armed with large semi-automatic slingshots and baseball caps flipped backwards. attached to the fabric is a piece of glass that flips down over their eye. Readings of data are flowing through the eyepiece, and the gunmen are studying it thoroughly. Then they make way for another person coming off of the vessel. The figure is sporting a fitted wet suit filled with gadgets and other technological looking things. On their face are some googles I mean goggles. And finally, on their back is a baseball bat...which is on fire!)

Masked Person: So this is Hip-hopture. What a waste of perfectly good surface area.

Armed Guards: Your maskness, we have landed safely, and our radar has sensed that there are no doubt pixels in this region.

Masker: Ah, right. Whenever the CIA Transport gets here, we'll start hunting the mutants down until they tell us where the pixels are. Until then, I think we were supposed to place this thing somewhere...

(Masker walks back towards the sub and reaches into a crate just carted off of the sub by a lackie, and pulls out a man...a somewhat disembodied man.)

Masker: Oh and by the way, the prototype isn't to know we're coming either. Comprende?

Guard #3: No spreche englace.

(Masker grabs the flaming bat and swings it at the guard, striking him down and causing his corpse to explode before it even gets a chance to release its bowels.)

Masker: Anyone else miraculously pass the exam with a failing grade in English?

Guards: No.

Masker: Let's move out then. Oh, and Syawnek...

Hacker: Yeah?

Masker: Nothing, I just wanted to reveal your name in an indirect way so people know who you are, even if at the same time they don't know who we really are.

Hacker: Oh. Well good luck guys.

(Masker smiles, although no one knows except him.)

Masker: Of course we won't fail. WE AIN'T SCARED.

*Elsewhereness!!*

Kain: Level...........99999998!!!!! Wooo!!! Almost there! jump the turtle! Ok now I just need to touch the axe! Wait! WAIT! NO! Stop! *A small death tune is played, then a game over theme*

Kain: .....................

Zombie: Brans-I mean brains!

Kain: .....................

Zombie: B-brains??

Kain: ....................

Zombie: You know, if you don't act like you're in actuall danger than I'll take my bussiness elsewhere!

Kain: ....................

Zombie: Fine, I'll go bother that purple eggplant guy, crabby...

Narrator: And now, What Lies Beneath presents and action scene!

*The camara pans to the outside of the arcade building, THEN IT EXPLODES!!! A very frustrated Kain jumps out of thr debris with sword unsheathed and the zombie's head in his hand. Multiple zombies serround Kain who then plants his sword in the ground and does that really cool pole move that Neo does in the Matrix, knocking multiple zombies down. Kain then launches himself into the air and comes down with enough force to create a small earthquake that kills some more zombies. A Spider Splicer leaps at Kain who cuts the splicers arms off (OMG violent!). Kane grabs a grenade from the splicer's torso and shoves it into the zombie head's mouth which Kain then chucks into a crowd of zombies. The grenade explodes, sending zombie torsos in every direction. Kain then throws his sword in a circular motion which decapitates several splicers and zombies and stops after it impales a Big Daddy in the stomach. Kain quickly runs at the surprised Big Daddy and bum rushes him, sending the sword deeper into it's stomach. Kain then twists the sword making the Big Daddy call out in pain, then Kain takes hold of the Big Daddy's rivet gun and kills the rest of the zombies in that area with it. Kain then shoots the Big Daddy in the face with it's own rivet gun. The Big Daddy falls to the ground and Kain sheaths his sword.*

Kain: If there's a moral here, it's to never trust a goomba and wait an hour after you eat before you go swimming

*A small floating security bot with a tv screen approaches Kain, the screen turns on*

Clyde: Very good Kain, I recorded the whole thing and am uploading it to youtube. Here, take these, it will probably help make action squences look cooler.

*The bottom of the bot opens up and drops 2 plasmid vials*

Kain: Ooooo! Soda!

*Kain gulps down both vials*

Clyde: Those are plasmids, they make you do insane things like blow people up and stuff

Kain: I can blow stuff up?! Awsome!

Clyde: Actually you can't, those were Electrobolt and Telekinesis plasmids

Kain: Sweet!

*Kain is seen tossing bodies around in the air and making their lifeless corpses do funny dances*

*STILL ELSEWHERE!*

McClow: Come, we need to get to Fontane's Fisheries

Nintendofreak: Who's Fontane?

McClow: Frank Fontane is a fishing company CEO that died a couple years ago, some people said he was a mobster. All I know is that I am totally not Fontane in disquise. And if I was, you'll find out at the end and I'll be the main villian and stuff

Director: Works for me.

Orter: Why can't we just leave through the entrance bathysphere?

McClow: Because it was destroyed

Nintendofreak: No it wasn't

*McClow presses a button on some kind of remote control device and a loud explosion is heard*

McClow: Now it was

Director: Works for me!

Nintendofreak and Orter: .......

Fred: Weeee'rrreeee heeeeerrrreeeeee

Retro: It's about time. For crime. So where are the Pixels?

Fred: HAAHAHAHAHAAMAUAHAAHRHARHAHAHARHAHRAHRHARHAHARHAHR
AHRAHRAHRHARHARHARHAHRHAHRAHAHAHAHRAHRHARHARHARHAHR
HARHAHAHAHRAHAHAHAHRAHRHARHARAHRAHARHARHARHARAHRHAHR
AHHARHAHRARHARHARAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRHARHAHRAHAHAHAHRARH
HAARHARHARHARHARAHRAHRAHRARHARHARHARHARHARAHRAHR

right over there in that gatekeeper's family jewels

Retro: What, figuratively?

Fred: HAVE FUN

Retro: Answer me or I swear I will force you to listen to the theme song to All in the Family for the rest of your 34-year-old life

Fred: Oh literally they're literally jewels

Retro: Phew.

Fred: But they are attached to his crotch

Retro: Well it's not gay if it's for infinite power, right?

Fred: You tell me. I didn't think you'd have this issue. This is limited edition where'd you find this?

Retro: That's yours

Fred: Could have fooled me

Retro: Ahem. Gatekeeper, please arouse yourself from your slumber to-

Fred: you want him to be AROUSED

Retro: You're an awful sidekick and as soon as I obtain those pixels I'm going to kill you

Fred: Look I've got a cape! MADE OF NECKTIES

Gatekeeper: Okay, okay, I'm up I'm up! Jeez, you'd think it was the end of the world or something!

Fred: Well it is Retro wants the pixels for absoloute power and conquest and whatnot and I want them so I can beat him up and laugh at him

Retro: What?

Fred: I want to be the villain this time, Retro.

Retro: So why not just kill me?

Fred: Duh law of scaled difficulty dumbass

Retro: Oh, so if you beat me when I'm powered up you'll be as good as the heroes were last OG?

Fred: I don't understand what you are saying.

Retro: Even two of yourself couldn't beat me last time around.

Gatekeeper: What makes you think you can beat me?

Retro: I'm really super powerful and stuff, I guess?

Gatekeeper: And I'm a super-powered robot thing.

Retro: Robots don't sleep! And stop talking so I can turn you to ashes!

Fred: Ash Ketchum

(Retro Fires a pixelicious beam at the Gatekeeper who turns out to be a clockwork man powered by the pixels in his family jewels and his skin rips away from the beam but he is otherwise unscathed)

Fred: Voxels are cooler man cool as ice

Retro: I thought everything in this dump was steam powered!

Gatekeeper: Guess not! Let's not forget plasmids, either. (Injects them)

Fred: Uh why did you do that you are a Brobot

Retro: I like the sound of these plasmid things.

Fred: You can't use them you no longer have skin or a knee and I think those are the prequisites.

Gatekeeper: I have a human body within this metal grating. GATEKEEPER CHANGE!

(Gatekeeper's arms turn into drills which are appropriate to use in many sexual jokes hilarious)

Fred: Okay cool

Retro: Two can play at the change game! Do you have change perhaps for A TWENTY?

(Retro's body spawns twenty drills and he easily dismantles those of the Gatekeeper)

Gatekeeper: You're a jerk

Retro: I try.

Fred: Rah rah! Rah rah blacksheep!

Gatekeeper: However I'll have you know that I guard a Gate!

Retro: We gathered that.

Gatekeeper: Yes but what lies beyond the Gate?

Retro: I don't know, Bill Gates?

Fred: ANOTHER GATE ANOTHER AHAAHAHRAHRAHA

Gatekeeper: Beyond the Gate... lies the future!

Fred: He's lying stop lying liar

Retro: Take me past this gate.

Gatekeeper: No

Retro: Well if it's a trap then it's not a very effective one if you don't open it up

Gatekeeper: Well if there wasn't anything worth guarding past there would a pixel-powered robot guard it?

Retro: Maybe? Either way I'm killing you and going past the Gate.

Fred: Noooooo don't do it don't Retro nooooo

Retro: You don't know what's over there either

Fred: SO

Masker: HOLD IT

Retro: Who DARES request my holding of it?

Masker: Me I guess. We're detecting pixels around here.

Guards: Yes sire!

Retro: Oh, you guys again. This metal guy has them on his family jewels.

Fred: ME TOO

Masker: Well, well, he's right. Anti-personel squad, attack!

Guards: Do we have to?

Masker: Pretty much, yeah

Guards: Oh right. For Lorderon!

(One guard grabs a rocket and ignites it, holds it and delivers a rocket-powered punch to Gatekeeper and even though Rocket-powered was an awful show Gatekeeper's stomach explodes)

Retro: What? No way.

Guard: Way.

(Retro blocks as a second guard attacks him with a blade made out of a super-heavy metal, which slightly pierces his pixel suit)

Retro: What gives? (Eye-lasers the guy who dodges to the side, but gets his side singed)

(Fred's opponent whips a chain around his arm, diverting his punch, but Fred simply judo chops the chain to break it)

Fred: fshh FLAMING NICKEL SHINING DRILL SPIN boot to the head

Guard: I read that move a mile away! Unfortunately I wasn't using binoculars and couldn't make it out! HOWEVER MY ULTIMATE DEFENSE WILL GUARD ME FROM IT ELECTRIC BARRIER!

(Fred's shoe is lightninged to nothing by a plasmid power)

Masker: So, I'll just be taking that guy's pixels now, then-

Retro: NOT IN A MILLION YEARS NOT IN ANY TIME AT ALL NEVER NO

(Retro's arm turns into a lance and elongates to stab the man, but when hit masker's clothes simply drop to the ground in a heap. From their position there they stand up again and give form to Masker)

Masker: I'm afraid that kind of violence isn't going to cut it.

Fred/Retro: Then how about this kind of violence?

(Retro's arm elongates into a handle which Fred grabs and spins while Retro turns into a ball of spikes and other fun things, taking out the three Guards easily)

Masker: I'm afraid... that's not going to work on me.

Fred: Oh

Retro: Oh well then

Fred: Well then LATER

(Fred grabs Gatekeeper's body and Retro smashes a hole in the wall that they escape through)

Masker: Yeeaaah... You guys should probably get up.

Guards: do we have to

*meanwhiletime*

Mariorocks: JENGA!

Director: Boring.......

mariorocks: Hey we're in the bathysphere.

Director: Hey we're in raptures central control.

???: Indeed you are boys..

Director: SANTA!

???: No, my name is Ryan McAlister, I run things down here.

Michael: ryan, You scumbag, we finally meet.

Ryan: Ah, Mr. "Michael" should I call you.

Michael: Why does everyone think im someone else?

*Ryan McAlister pulls out a gun*

Ryan: My city..... is my city.

*Ryan shoots Michael between the eyes. His body slowly slumps to the ground*

Director: Hehehehhehe.....

Ryan: And now for you two....... what am I goin to do with you?

Director: Mariorocks.... kill him.

Mariorocks: Huh?

Director: Please... and thank you.

*Mariorocks picks up a crowbar*

Ryan: What... but Michael no no it-

*Mariorocks slams the crowbar into Ryans skull. he too slumps too the floor*

Director: Good going Nintendofreak!

*Nintendofreak is slumped on the floor*

Ryan: No! I am slumped on the floor! stop stealing my bagels!

*Ryan smashes his face in with the crowbar*

Nintendofreak: Oh! Sorry! Oh man, you don't look to good.........Dude?

*Nintendofreak pokes Ryan's lifeless corpse*

Director: Good kid..........Ya' done good.......

Nintendofreak: Director, you're creepin' me out alittle

Director: Director? Heh he ha huh ha hahahahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahhahahaha! AHA! AHAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAAAAAA! The name's Fontane, kid. You've been a peach but it's time for me to blow dis' joint.

Nintendofreak: Uh................What? Buddy, are you O.K.?

Director: Buddy? Listen kid, I'm not your buddy, never was, it's just bussiness. Never confuse bussiness with pleasure. Now, I need you to press that shiny button on the control panel by that wall, please and thank you.

*Nintendofreak finds that he can't stop himself from pressing the big shiny button which sets of some kind of alarm and makes the room start shaking*

Orter: Holy shoe! This is dramatic! *eats popcorn*

Director: I'm sorry to leave you hangin' kid but you know what they say, you should always go out with a bang.

Orter: W-what?!

Director: This is the control room of a nuclear reactor core, your friend just set off he self-destruct system for me.

Nintendofreak: You were my friend! My brother! You bastard!

Director: It's nothing personal kid, it's just good bussiness, once this place blows, I'll be able to take over Rapture with an iron fist. Catch ya' later kid, oh wait, I won't

Nintendofreak: What's stopping me from walking out of here?!

Director: This, "Would you stay here until the rector blows up? Please and thank you"

*Nintendofreak then freezes in place, with a focussed, obediant look on his face*

Director: G'night ladies

*Director enters a bathysphere which takes him miles away to his hidout*

Orter: Well, we're f***ed

OoC: Director can now be reffered to as Director or Fontane

Orter: Seventies boobs were different I dunno.

Mariorocks: *blank stare*

*A little sister crawls out of the vents with a bat*

Little sister: Come with me Mr. M.

Mariorocks: *nothing*

Orter: Not gonna work-

*clank*

---
--
-

Mariorocks: What happened....

Orter: The little sister knocked you out with her bat and dragged you here.

Mariorocks: Nice to know, thanks for the help.

*Mariorocks pocket starts vibrating*

Mariorocks: Huh?

*he pulls out a transceiver*

Mariorocks: Ah R.L steins transceiver-

Fontane: Kid you did good.

Mariorocks: its.......

Fontane: You ever have a dog you had to put down kid?

Mariorocks:.....

Fontane: It hurts. Code Magnum.

*Mariorocks doubles over in pain*

Fontane: Ever have a walkie-talkie kid? I used to love these when I was a kid

Mariorocks: Sooo sooo much painnnn

Fontane: Did you break something kid? It's gotta happen sometime in your life kid. And you ain't got dat much time left kid.

Orter: Hey! Hey! What'd you do to him?

Fontane: Super soldiers belong t'me kid.

Orter: I'm old enough to be your grandmother!

Fontane: Okay kid. I'm gonna go play System Shock 2 like back in the day kid.

Orter: System shock 2 wasn't around in the 30s-

Fontane: See ya around, sweet cheeks.

Orter: Damn you, Director!

Mariorocks: Argh ugh blargh it's Fontane he's taken over Fwahrgh

Orter: Oh, are you okay over there?

Mariorocks: Narrrghh no not reaalllllarghhh I'm becoming aaaagghgh a super soldieaahahrhg

Orter: I can't really tell what you're saying but being a super soldieraahahrhg is bad?

Mariorocks: Yeeaahrhrhahghhghghg I guess I'd have to HWAAAAAF do his HwaaFSFfSFS bidding-YAARGHGHGHH

Orter: Okay should I shoot you then

Mariorocks: You have a gun?

Orter: Well I-

Mariorocks: AIAFJNSFJNskma

Orter: Okay I'll take that as a (Mariorocks punches him through like eight walls)

Fontane: Kid kid you there?

Mariorocks: Yeah. Code Magnum complete.

Fontane: Excellent.

Mariorocks: You're evil you said "Excellent".

Fontane: But it is excellent! What d'ya want me to shoot off, kid? 'd be like "Everythin's going according to plan. Reasonable..." an' then fade t' black?

Mariorocks: Well not exactly bu-

Fontane: Kid you ever played baseball

Mariorocks:...

(Myst-while)

GORE: You wanna be a star, don't cha?

(A pack of zombies all dance and sing in sycronization)

zombies: It's cloooooose to mmiiiiiidnight

GORE: You on the left!

zombie on the left: Me?

GORE: You're off on your clapping!

zombie on the left: Ohhhn...

GORE: No brains for you tonight, mister!

(Mack-daddy while)

Kane: I wish my name was Kain so I could use !Jump.

Fontane (Over loudspeakers): I don't know why there would be, but just in case CODE MAGNUM

Kane: Step off man!

Fontane: Ex... excuse me?

Kane: I don't have to go along with this Code Magnum! You're not the boss of me!

Fontane: Kid, in my day-

Kane: CRAWWLLINNNG IN MY SKIN FOR THESE WOUNDS DO NOT HEEAALLL

Fontane: Damn it, kid!

(Master Roshi-While)

Retro: Finally we've got this thing

Fred: THOSE AREN'T PIXELS

Retro: What? They better be, for your sake.

Fred: They're just IRRADIATED FRUITY PEBBLES!

Retro: Well then-

Masker: Put down that robot.

Fred: I, Robot.

Retro: Or what?

Masker: I hadn't thought that far. Oh. OR THIS!
(Masker pulls out a gun a very large gun a gun yes)

Retro: So