It is currently 13 (thirteen) days and 2 (two) hours
until the invasion. The scene is the Lead Zeppelin, just now entering Flaxius's gravitational field.
Professor Smarter Than You fidgeted at the sight of his former home. As the Steve Model T droned on at him, no doubt reporting the statistics of the Professor's awesomeness, the Professor himself remembered his final day on the planet...
Mayor Indescribably Competent: Now, as you can see, global warming is a hateful lie spread by Obtuse Idiot.
Professor Smarter Than You: Look at my graph. The ice caps are growing. GROWING!
Mayor Indescribably Competent: Exactly! The world’s getting colder.
Professor Smarter Than You: I think it’s about time the mayor got over his stone-age superstitions. We have science now, and growing ice caps can only mean global warming.
Mayor Indescribably Competent: How is that remotely possible?
Professor Smarter Than You: Conservation of Energy, of course! All the heat is flowing AWAY from the ice caps! That means it’s warmer everywhere else!
Spectating masses: *hurtful, hurtful laughter*
Professor Smarter Than You: Fine! Die of dehydration! See if I care what happens to this planet.
The first thing that could be said about Flaxius from space was that it was very bright. The logical reason for this was that the entire planet was covered in snow, and the planet had four VERY FAR AWAY suns (one for each hemisphere, plus the north and south poles). Aside from unending days (the Flaxians couldn't very well think during the NIGHT, now could they?), the light was magnified by its reflection off the planet to the point that Flaxius could be seen in the night sky of planets six galaxies over.
Of course, all Flaxians know that logic is complete and utter rubbish. The planet was bright because the Flaxians were intelligent, e.g. bright and giving off their intelligence, e.g. brightness to the rest of the universe. Compared to Professor Smarter Than You, though, the planet was a black hole. If only those idiots understood...
As the prisoner, the dog, and his new girlfriend donned special sungoggles due to their inferiority before the blazing intelligence, e.g. brightness, the Professor noted the other thing about Flaxians. The Flaxian Thought Police who constantly patrolled Flaxian space, looking, obviously, for his truly, he being the most important person in existence. In a fair fight, they couldn't even beat him at Checkers. But the Flaxian Thought Police never fought fair... Very suddenly, Professor Smarter Than You felt compelled beyond reason to hide...
~Meanwhile, just outside the Flaxian system~
"Captain's Log, Supplemental. I, Captain Fancypants of the FTP Uploader, have been assigned the mission to detain Professor Smarter Than You and administer a fierce series of lectures and information dialogues. The crew currently has high morales, but they have not yet been informed that the food dispensers make everything chicken flavored..."
~The Captain walks out on to the main bridge of the Uploader~
Fancypants: Lieutenant Long In The Mouth, status?
Lt. Long: *is a tall Flaxian in battle armor* We are currently being bombarded by missiles!
Ensign Really Annoying: *is a young looking Flaxian* FIRE FIRE FIRE!
Fancypants: BELAY THAT!
Lt. Long: Torpedos locked in!
Fancypants: ABORT ABORT ABORT!!
Lt. Long: Oh, nevermind then.
Fancypants: Open all hailing frequencies.
Really: If you really try *snerk* I mean... ~rips open the hailing panel~ The frequencies are all draining out, sir.
Fancypants: Attention enemy vessel-
~Main screen opens up to reveal a very bewildered Teluvian Ambassador~
Ambasador: You fired on my vessel, I thought-
Fancypants: I am Captain Fuan Zah Pahn Tez of the Flaxian Though Police vessel Uploader.
Ambassador: Yes, but you fired on my-
Fancypants: Also, I am extremely awesome and handsome. I accept all forms of money and all major credit cards.
Ambassador: Sir, I think you-
Fancypants: Close frequencies!
Really: *slams mallet on communications panel*
Fancypants: Counsellor Obvious, what do you think?
Obvious: *is a slinky Flaxian woman in lingirie lying in the Captain's chair* Oh, he's jealous of your rock hard abs and leadership abilities.
Fancypants: I knew it, he plans to destroy us. Ensign, what is the status of the ship's awesomeitude?
Fancypants: Very well. Lieutenant, fire all spare personnel at the vessel.
Ship Computer: Attention all low-ranking crew members, proceed to launch bay to meet your untimely and utterly pointless death.
Fancypants: *sits in his chair after making Obvious move, but she ends up laying back down on him anyways and plays with his goatee* Fire.
~On the Ambassador's ship~
Crew Member: They've fired their own people all over the ship, it's grueseome!
Ambassador: These people are savages, get us out of here.
~Back on the Uploader~
Ensign: Enemy vessel is fleeing.
Fancypants: Excellent, I'm doubling your salary.
Ensign: Flaxius doesn't have any form of successfully implemented money, sir.
Fancypants: Fine, I'll triple it then.
Lt. Long: Your next order, sir?
Fancypants: Take us to heading 1-800-COLLECT. Engage.
"Felix, man the guns just in case," the Steve Model T commanded. "Don'tknowwhyIcametothisbloodyplanet..." he mumbled after that. Professor Smarter Than You was no longer there to hear, however, as he oh so invisibly rode the dog thing out of the bridge.
Tiffa: Where should we even land? I can't see anything against this shine.
Ashley: There's a docking port two kilometers west of our current descent. Provided that THAT ship doesn't throw us off course.
Computer: As if in response, the FTP Uploader deploys several dozen laser cannons.
SteveT: Maybe this won't be a wasted trip after all...
A lowly Flaxian child, his hands clinging to the rim of the burlap sack that covered his humanoid head, darted down the hall of an extravagantly carved ice tower. He risked letting go of the bag at a door only long enough to knock. During that brief moment, the sack popped off altogether to show that the boy had black, downy hair and a single orange beak instead of a nose.
As he pulled the sack back over his head, he stuttered a statement through the door. "Y-your Majesty! Unr-registered ship's ap-proaching!" The response was muffled, but the boy guessed at what it was. "Y-you'll want to see this, Intelliness."
The door creaked open, only enough for a voice to carry through. "I said, "They'll come to me then, twit!" Boogity boogity boo!"
Computer: The Lead Zeppelin blazes past the FTP Uploader, Felix firing on auto-pilot with two hands while holding a pillow under his head with the other two. The haphazard shots are intercepted by salmon fired from the Uploader's belly cannons, each one exploding into a gruesome pile of fish innards that drift through the void of space.
SteveT: Damn that Lynel...
SteveT: Right. You, miserable stowaway cat lady. Cough up whatever catnip you're carrying.
Tiffa: But I'm not--
Computer: SteveT stands up and turns to her. Ashley suddenly busies herself with engine diagnostics as the Zeppelin falls into orbit around the planet. The Uploader deliberately misses its shots for drama, then the crew changes its mind and goes straight for the engine. The Zeppelin begins to rock.
SteveT: I'm somewhat certain this ship exploding won't kill me. I'll even save my copilot here--we've practiced deep-space walks for this sort of thing. You, on the other hand...
Tiffa: You can't bluff a lawyer.
SteveT: Good thing we both know I'm not bluffing, then.
Computer: Tiffa's lip curls. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a pack of catnip, then takes it down to the weapons. Moments later, the Zeppelin's lasers begin firing faster than should be possible as Felix's four hands rocket up and down on the firing buttons. The Uploader's shields are immediately disabled, followed by their engines and weapons. Ashley jumps back to the controls and flies them down to the planet before Felix can do worse.
SteveT: You're still soft.
Ashley: You know my feelings on change.
SteveT: Speaking of, I'm sure our flight path rather changed during that skirmish.
Ashley: We're on a crash landing, yeah. I dunno where, but we should find out right about--
Computer: The Zeppelin crashes through the window of the highest floor of the ice tower described earlier. SteveT, Ashley, Felix, and Tiffa all crawl out.
As does Professor Smarter Than You.
Computer: No, please, he doesn't! They pay me by the hour and I can't afford to--!
Professor Smarter Than You scoffed at the silly Computer and examined his new surroundings. It was a room fit for... well... himself. Magnificent. Unfortunately, the mood was completely and utterly ruined by that pathetic, malfunctioning Model T robot. It kept saying, "Oh Gods not you not you anyone but you..." Professor Smarter Than You turned his attention to the same as the Model T's, and gulped deeply.
Sitting in the center of the room on a throne made of ice, with a plate full of (plain) cheesecake, was not a Flaxian, but a Scarecrow. He adjusted his monocle and stared down at the pilot bot. "Hello, my old minion," said Straw Man.