Wayne Shoeleft is a good lawyer. He may not be the most honest lawyer, but when he knows he is fighting for justice, he does it with all his heart. He's also of moderate build, not exactly muscle-bound, but he could hold his own if he got into a fight.

Shoeleft's latest case is the defense of Pudd Mudd, owner of the famous Mud Pudding company. Tad Rovfliskopolis, a televangelist known for his anti-pudding sentiments, claimed he received poisoned pudding in the mail from Mudd.

Rovfliskopolis' evidence was air-tight. Several cases of pudding were sent from Mudd's warehouse to Rovfliskopolis' office, as the federal postal service confirmed. One of the cases was unopened, and federal investigators had confirmed that the pudding inside was poisoned. Rob Easton, Rovfliskopolis' lawyer, had an easy case this time. Easton was gangly and swift.

Shoeleft knows his client, Pudd Mudd, is innocent. That's because Mudd showed Shoeleft a security tape. Someone put the cases of poisoned pudding on the mail truck just as it was leaving the Mud Pudding Factory. The person's face was clearly visible and clearly not one of Mudd's employees. However, Shoeleft's VCR is kinda old, and the tape did not survive the eject button.

Shoeleft has not been able to find the man from the video. With no evidence, he scrambles through legal code, looking for a way to prove his client innocent.

It seems that there is nothing Wayne Shoeleft can do. Until he gets to the final page of legal code... and there, in fine print, it says...
"If the lawyer is sure of his client's innocence, he may challenge the other lawyer to a battle in court. The winner of this battle wins the case."
The best loophole ever. I don't care if it's technically not a loophole. It's awesome.

Shoeleft: That's perfect!!

~Tomorrow, in court...~

Shoeleft: Your honor, I challenge Rob Easton to a battle to prove that my client is innocent!

Judge Glenn: You're going to invoke that old bit of legal code? No one has used that in at least a century and a half.

Shoeleft: Your honor, my client is innocent and I know it, I just can't prove it.

Judge Glenn: Most lawyers would give up at this point, you know. Are you sure about this?

Shoeleft: Yes I am!!

Judge Glenn: Fine. Mr. Easton, Mr. Shoeleft, prepare to battle each other!!

Easton: ???

Shoeleft: Easton, I hear you're gangly and swift!

Judge Glenn: You shall fight in three rounds. Items are switched to OFF, especially bom-ombs. There are no rules besides the first lawyer to hit an innocent loses, and the match must take place inside this courtroom.

Easton: You must really be convinced of your client's innocence, huh? Well, I'm not giving this open-and-close case away on some stupid technicality! I learned how to fight in the roughs of Community College!

Wayne: Let's see if it taught you how to deal with JUSTICE. Pudd's innocent and you know it.

Easton: I'm not very convinced-there's nothing to show me that. My Client has every right not to be poisoned and I'm going to protect him. You can't sway me with any fancy words, either-I've got kids who need a better upbringing than I got, and losing this case could ruin that.

Wayne: Then I'm glad I invoked a fight.

Judge Glenn: Round one, FIGHT!

(Wayne lunges at Easton, who blocks with the backs of his arms. Easton throws a few quick jabs and circles Wayne, quickly, while jabbing. Wayne trips his movements with his foot, and then catches Easton in the stomach with his left. Easton falls on his back, but rolls as Wayne attempts to kick him. Easton gets up and tilts a somewhat heavy rectangular desk up and over until it falls onto Wayne, who attempts to resist, but has his legs crushed beneath it. Wayne drags himself out only to be met with Easton's right hand-me-down boot (which is different from his left one) into his face. Wayne attempts to crawl away, but Easton is there at every turn, kicking him in the face horizontally.)

Easton: Justice? You fight like that for justice?

Wayne: I'd... I'd fight like anything for justice.

Judge Glenn: Round one is over. Man, that was sad. Fifteen minute recess!

(as the court adjourns, Pudd wipes the sweat and small amounts of blood off Wayne's face, while giving him BRISK to drink)

Pudd: Thanks for doing this for me, kid.

Wayne: If I'm going to beat him, I'm going to need a different style of fighting entirely.

Pudd: It'll come to ya.

(Meanwhile, in the other corner)

Tad: Ve cannot let zis stand in ze way of God's glorious puddingless designs.

Easton: Whatever. I've just gotta keep pounding this guy, there's no way he can keep up with me.

Judge Glenn: Round two will commence. Those of you in the audience, please turn off your cell phones and pagers.

(Easton and Wayne touch fists, and then have at it. Easton throws a rightpunch, which Wayne dodges. Easton throws his other fist as well, which Wayne ducks)

Easton: If you think evasion's gonna get you somewhere, you're fighting the wro-

(As Easton was preparing a knee, he did not notice that Wayne had removed his tie and bound his hands. Easton is greatly suprised and falls over backwards. Easton quickly attempts to regain control and stands up, fiercely prepared to fight again, when Wayne makes two small strange kicks. Easton lunges forward only to realise he had been standing on two small law books, and falls off them only to meet his chin on Wayne's knee, flying upwards.)

Wayne: That's justice.

(Easton lies on the ground, quite dazed, as Wayne approaches slowly. Easton finally regains his composure and stands, rushing at Wayne wildly)

Easton: I'm gonna make you wish you'd never even heard of the Legal system!

(Easton throws a swinging punch, which Wayne sidesteps, and then another which actually connects in Wayne's jaw. Wayne grunts bears it, grabbing Easton's other arm and pulling down. Using this leverage, Wayne lifts his foot towards Easton's belly, but Easton swings his body to the side. Easton, realising that Wayne is immobile while holding his one arm, prepares to strike the chest with the other arm. He hits nothing but Wayne's hard leather briefcase, which Wayne smashes Easton in the face with. Wayne then drops the briefcase, and picks Easton off the ground by his collar.)

Wayne: First amendment: Witnessing the stand!

(Wayne spins both fists into Easton's belly, throwing him into Judge's podium. He proceeds to rush two chairs into Easton, and then kick him in the upper chest.)

Wayne: Second amendment: Innocent until proven GAVELED!

(Wayne takes the Judge's gavel and hits Easton's head like in croquet. Easton's nearly-limp body slides into the aisle inbetween the audience)

Wayne: The defense RESTS.

Easton: But... you can't prove...Ugh.

Judge Glenn: I've never in my years as a minor justice seen a beating like that. You might be headed for the big leagues. Anyways, Round two is over. I don't think we need to prove anything else here, so-

Tad: So sorry your honor, but I object! Shoeleft hasn't von yet.

Judge Glenn: You're nuts, another minute could KILL Rob! But you're right, there is still a third round. There will be a fifteen minute recess.

(Tad pulls Easton into the bathroom, and pours a liquid into his mouth)

Easton: Wha- what the hell did you just give me?

Tad: Voly water, son. Remember, you cannot lose zo long as you fight for God, in the name of ridding the vorld of puddink.

Easton: You're right... everything seems so clear, all of a sudden. Jesus died for the sin of us making pudding in an alternate universe that could become this one if you hadn't done God's bidding and intervened!

Tad: Vi knew you could be believer. Now, I haff some thinks vat I sink might help you out...

Easton: What is this, Jello?

Tad (With apparent accent): Yes, Jello is the ambrosia that gives God his strength. And after they emptied their supply of it up in Heaven, God created Bill Cosby to produce huge amounts of it with the resources he had found on Earth. In other words, they chopped down more trees and butchered more chickens to produce the Jello. God also managed to make quite a bit of profit off of Jello, to fund his erotic parties. [[Stupid jokes end here.]]

Easton: Why are you telling me all this?

Tad: We have been watching you for some time, Easton. We think you posses the skills to wield Jello effectively in the courtroom. With you at our side, we could win any case we wanted to, namely, laws to pass Jello as a main export. Soon enough, we'll take the supreme court and along with that, the entire country!

Easton: All over Jello? Man, I'm glad I am Jewish.

Tad: We have taken care of that factor as well.

Easton: No!

(Suddenly, Easton's flesh slowly turns to cherry flavored Jello, and he succumbs to Catholicism. Meanwhile, Wayne steps out of the private defense lawyers bathroom stall, feeling refreshed and ready to wrap things up. Recess had ended, and both lawyers take up their positions in front of Judge Glenn.)

Easton (Wearing a cloak): Ready to wrap this up, Wayne?

Wayne: Nice get-up Easton, but no fabric has ever stopped me before.

Easton: You fool, this just makes my appearance look much more dramatic! (Swings off Cloak)

Wayne: No! How could you!?

Tad: We don't need you anymore, Wayne.

Judge Glenn: Ok boys, puke yer' dukes up!

(The bell sounds, and both fighters come out swinging. Wayne throws a hard right and gets his fist mixed up in the gooey Jello. While Easton flings his head back and forth like a slingshot at Wayne's skull. Wayne stumbles back and tries at him once more, this time using a quick dodge and low lick to knock Easton off of his feet. However, Easton is steadfast in the floor of the courtroom thanks to his Jello legs. He bends down and grabs Wayne's legs, and with huge force, throws Wayne at the base of the Jury bench. Wayne then brushes himself off and tries to catch his breath.)

Wayne: Dammit, nothing is working against this guy! If only I had some way to get that Jello off of him.

Mudd: Here, use this spoon I was saving for lunch!

(And with that, Mudd throws Wayne a plastic spoon, and Wayne lunges at Easton once more. Wayne rolls behind Easton and jumps up, ready to pounce on top of him. But then, Easton grabs Wayne in mid air, and starts choking him furiously. Wayne thrusts the spoon into Easton's face, causing minor damage to Easton, but the Jello seems to dislike it. You heard me, THAT JELLO'S ALIVE!! WHOA. Wayne starts chomping away on the Jello, exposing Eastons' face to the light of the courtroom.)

Easton: AUGH, IT BURNS US.

Wayne: Time to finish this while the gettin's good.

(Luckily, Wayne had brought the broken VCR in his briefcase, and like one swift and beautiful motion, slammed it full force into Easton's skull.)

Tad: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! Our creation!

(As luck would have it, the VCR shattered, breaking free the video that proved Mudd innocent....However, that blow to the head was fatal to Easton, so Wayne won either way you look at it. Go figure?)

Judge Glenn: Wayne, you're lucky I hate Easton, or I would lock you up for man slaughter.

Wayne: The way I see it Judge, I was liberating him from a great evil, Religion. And we all know, Religion has no place in this courtroom.

Judge Glenn: You couldn't be more wrong, but at least you won the case, congratulations. Guards, take Tad away.

Tad: Huh? Why!?

Judge Glenn: Well, you freak me out, and you brought Jello into a pudding related case, that's just wrong.

Tad: Wait, how did you know I was responsible for the Jello?

Judge Glenn: I didn't, you just told me. Now Guards, take him away!

Tad: CURSE YOU ALL, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING LAWYERS!

Wayne: Looks like he's all washed up! ha HA! *winks at screen* (Everyone in courthouse starts laughing at Wayne's bad joke, but not Tad, he is already formulating his next plan for Wayne.)

(Scene goes to Wayne at his house enjoying a cup of coffee while writing in his diary.)

Wayne:....And that's the story of my first case. But now I am wondering if I should have been a bakery chef.

(Wayne's cell phone starts going off like mad, and he checks the caller ID to read it as an Unrecognized number. Feeling curious, he picks up)

Voice: Wayne? Wayne is that you?

Wayne: Wayne Shoeleft speaking.

Voice: Right, Wayne Shoeleft. I wasn't sure that Shoeleft was your last name. It's just kind of a weird last name, you know?

Wayne: You called me, I assume you have business with me?

Voice: Er, right, right. My name is Charlie Cameron, but feel free to call me Charlie. But only if you want. My middle name is kind of embarrassing. Anyway, can you please take my case?

Wayne: You're going to have to tell me more about your case and less about your name.

Charlie: It's hard to explain... can I come down to your office? Please?

Wayne: I do my work out of my house. I'll meet you at the McDonald's on 5th and Virgina Street at 8.

Charlie: Okay, yessir!

~At 8:05 PM, Wayne is sitting alone in the McDonald's, finishing his fruit parfait, when Charlie walks in. Charlie slowly walks over to Wayne.~

Charlie: Hello, are you Wayne Shoe? I saw your picture in the paper in one of those ads but it was black and white and--

Wayne: Yeah. And it's Wayne Shoeleft. Anyway, stay right there, I'll be right back.

~Wayne gets up and goes to the bathroom, throwing out the cup from his parfait on the way. When he goes into the bathroom, Charlie goes in.

A few minutes later, Wayne goes over to the sink and washes his hands. He looks up in the mirror and only sees himself, but when he turns to get a paper towel, he sees Charlie.~

Wayne: . . .

Charlie: Hehe...

~Wayne looks into the mirror. No one is in the reflection but him. Then he looks back to Charlie.~

Wayne: You're a vampire?

Charlie: Are you sure you want to jump to that conclusion?

Wayne: Let's just say I'm becoming more open-minded lately.

Charlie: Yeah, I'm a vampire. That's why I need your help. No one will believe that I'm a vampire or that the guy I want to accuse is a vampire. At least I don't think anyone would. Maybe you would?

Wayne: Yeah. My ears are open.

~Wayne and Charlie leave the bathroom and go back to the booth, then discuss the case. While Charlie lived a harmless life on pig's blood, he knew of others who were more menacing and would completely drain their victims of blood. He had witnessed one in specific, a friend named Al Ucard, go on a killing spree. However, no evidence pointed towards Al. Being a vampire meaned being a killing machine--you don't need anything but yourself to do the killing. The police would never find a knife, or evidence of strangling, and if you were good at vampiring, no signs of struggle or your own blood. Of course, you struck by night just as your victim was leaving his or her car and on the way to his or her house.~

Charlie: But I can't take it any more. The guilt is a lot. I think it's a lot. Well, it's enough for me to come to you and ask you to put my friend in a jail cell. That's a lot.

~So, the next day, after Charlie burst in flames by walking into sunlight (and putting himself out by jumping into shade and stopping, dropping, and rolling), Wayne was convinced that he was a vampire.~

Wayne: I need you to prove to me that Mr. Ucard is guilty, though, and that you're not.

Charlie: I can show you my pig's blood, can that work? And then maybe I could show you Al killing someone. He's planning to strike this guy who lives in a house on Virgina Street tonight, he says the guy usually gets home from work pretty late and drunk. I wonder if drinking the blood of a drunk guy gets you drunk. It would make sense, what with BAC content and all, but--

Wayne: Sounds good, but I will have to stay well hidden. I can fight a lawyer, but I am not fighting a vampire.

~That night on Virginia Street...~

Boris von Drunkenface: Ah, *hic* I am so drunk zee birdies have comez out to play. *struggles to find his car*

Wayne: That must be the drunk.

Charlie: Yeah. He's actually my second cousin... he comes from the ah, mortal side of the family. We don't like to talk about him.

Wayne: And Al Ucard?

Charlie: Boris's uncle.

Wayne: Can't drinking the blood of relatives... give you Down's Syndrome or something?

Charlie: ... uh, I dunno. He married into the family. Shh, look!

~over by the dumpster, which Boris has mistaken for his car~

Al Ucard: Looking for something, Boris?

Boris: *hic* I can't seem to find the door, Jill.

Al Ucard: I'm not Jill.

Boris: *gasp*

Al Ucard: I'm your uncle Ucard.

Boris: *gasp*

Al Ucard: And I'm very thirsty.

Boris: *gasp*

Al Ucard: Thirsty for blood.

Boris: *passes out*

Al Ucard: *starts sucking blood*

Wayne: *pulls out camera* *snap snap snap* Oh wait, aren't you going to stop him?

Charlie: No, it's okay. Boris won't notice being dead.

~Meanwhile, in Hell~

Satan: Hiya.

Boris: *hic* Jill, you sure have *hic* put on some weight.

Satan: I'm not Jill.

Boris: *gasp*

~Later, back at McDonalds~

Wayne: Oh man, none of these pictures showed Al... just Boris acting all funny until he died. I mean, I believe you, but there's no way I'll be able to prove it... I knew I should have got a digital camera!

Charlie: Oh, so I guess I shouldn't have got a court case set up...

Wayne: Oh great, I haven't even read my "Idiot's Guide To Being A Prosecutor" book yet! Do you know who Ucard got as an attourney?

Charlie: Oh, just our usual family lawyer. Abram T. Pitydafool.

Wayne: Oh man... the defense attourney who uses Black Power to never lose a case. If I lose this case, my career is over. But if I win, I'm a horrible racist!

Charlie: IT'S AWWWWWWWWWRIGHT.

Wayne: What?

Charlie: Erm, nothing, now let's get ready for the case.

(Wayne nods and they both prepare what little evidence they have against Alucard (Oh, you know of course I mean Al Ucard, sorry). The next day, Clubber Lang, oops, by that I meant Mr. T...No, by that I meant Abram T. Pitydafool. Yeah, that's it. Anyway they both stroll into the courtroom, heads held high. They both well know this will be no ordinary trial, more along the lines of supernatural and just plain creepy.)

Bailiff: All rise for the somewhat honorable Judge Belmont

(Everyone stands)

Judge Belmont: Yes hello, I am Judge Belmont. Now then, what is this all about? Gay Marriage?

Wayne: Not quite your honor, I'd like too...

Pitydafool: YOU'D LIKE TO SHUT UP, FOOL.

Wayne: Shwuh?

Pitydafool: THAT'S RIGHT FOOL, IT'S "T'S" TIME TO TALK, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOU, UH. UH.

Wayne:....

Charlie:....

Judge Belmont:....

Al Ucard:....

Entire Courtroom:....

Judge Belmont: I'll allow it.

Pitydafool: OK, SO TO PROVE THAT MY CLIENTS INNOCENT, IT'S TIME TO BRAWL, SON.

Wayne: Wait, what? You haven't even presented evidence yet!

Pitydafool: I HAVE TWO PIECES OF EVIDENCE FOR YOU FOOL, THEY'RE CALLED PAIN, AND PIE. THAT'S WHAT I NAMED MY FISTS, FOOL.

Wayne: Wow, that's....nice.

Charlie: I guess there's no avoiding it, it's time to fight for Justice again.

Wayne: Yeah, I guess so.

Judge Belmont: Ok you too, I want a nice, clean fight, and no hitting below the belt. Now, shake hands.

(Both Wayne and Pitydafool step in front of the judge's desk and shake hands. While shaking they stare at each other for a while, but Wayne isn't looking directly at him, quite frankly, he's intimidated.)

Pitydafool: WHAT, YOU CAN'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE, I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING MEATBALL, YOU LACK THE EYE OF THE TIGER.

Wayne: I lack the what in the who now?

*Bell sounds*

Pitydafool: YOU'RE MINE, MEATBALL.

(Before Wayne can even hear the sound of the bell disperse, he's already being pounded on a mile a minute by Pitydafool. After a bloody blow to the nose, Wayne shoots back into the front of the Judges desk, meanwhile, the two vampires and the Judge are enjoying some popcorn.)

Wayne: OUCH, MY ACHING-

(But before Wayne has time to finish his sentence, Pitydafool picks him up and tosses him into the fifth row of the crowd.)

Charlie: Wayne! Get up! For the love of Dracula! GET UP!

(But Charlie's words seem to escape Wayne as he drifts into a sudden unconsciousness.)

Pitydafool: I PITY THE FOOL WHO CAN'T FIGHT FOR JUSTICE.

Judge Belmont: Alright alright, that's enough *rings bell*, take your corners gentlemen, err, if you can even stand up that is.

Pitydafool: HMM, MEATBALL COULDN'T LAST ONE ROUND, THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.

Judge Belmont: Forget it, 15 minute Recess, Charlie, scoop your lawyer up and take him to the bathroom.

*In the bathroom, Charlie stuffs Wayne's face into the sink and turns on the faucet in an attempt to wake him.*

Charlie: C'mon, you can make it!

*Charlie slaps Wayne a few times in the face. Wayne slowly regains conciousness.*

Wayne: Charlie? What happened, Charlie?

Charlie: You got schooled, kid.

Wayne: Oh great. He's still alive, isn't he?

Charlie: I'm afraid so. If you want me to throw in the towel, I'll be willing to. And Al Ucard will be free to suck the bloodof everyone in the world. No pressure, kid.

Wayne: ...Let's do this.

Charlie: I might have something that can help you.

*Wayne storms into the courtroom with a new determination. He stares Pitydafool straight in the face and makes an obscene gesture. Pitydafool turns livid with rage.*

Judge Belmont: Alright Round Tw-

*Pitydafool rushes forward with the speed of eight bulls, sending the court benches flying into the air as if gripped within a tornado. He punches forward with eight successive punches with enough force to kill Wayne ten times over and crush eighty buffalos, or vice-versa. But no punch reaches Wayne.*

Pitydafool: Where'd he go? That boy be barking up the wrong tree! I have a higher chance of being accepted into a learning facility than him due to my ethnicity!

*Wayne leaps forward and kicks Pitydafool in the face, a kick taht might not have been that strong but was fast and took Pitydafool offguard. It caused his lip to bleed. Wayne then gripped one Pitydafool's ribs, lunged forward and used his leg to flip Pitydafool over backwards. They then began wrestling on the ground.*

Judge Belmont: Whoa! It looks like Wayne has brought in some Judo moves! Ipponsyonagi! This is indeed an interesting twist!

*Charlie appraches Al Ucard.*

Al Ucard: What's going on? That boy was on death row a few minutes ago!

Charlie: I gave him a blood transfusion. (smiles, showing fangs) Unlike you, I focus on giving rather than taking.

Al Ucard: You smarmy worm! How dare you talk to me with such a tongue!

Charlie: Whatabout your client? Look at him - so strong, so beefy. He must have some pretty healthy blood to keep that massive body of his working. Some nice, juicy, blood...

Al Ucard: (stares forward as if lost in a trance, licks his lips in hunger)

*Elsewhere, Wayne has removed his tie and is using it to choke Pitydafool.*

Pitydafool: Won't work on me, sucka! I been trained to hold my breath for ten hours without passin' out! I been to the bottom of the Mariana Trench without a swimsuit, because the milk I drink means I can take the pressure!

*Pitydafool loosens Wayne's hold, then grips the tie with his teeth and eats it. Pitydafool than flips Wayne over and grabs him within his own chokehold. Wayne immediately turns red, feeling as if his throat was caught within a giant set of clamps.*

Wayne: Guh... GUAGH....

*Pitydafool smiles, and his veins pulsate as blood flows through his body. Suddenly, Al can't take anymore. He glides forward and bites into Pitydafool's neck. Pitydafool slowly loses power and collapses. Al Ucard then rises to his feet, pulsating with Pitydamuscles while Pitydafool lies shrivelled and shrimpy on the ground.*

Al Upitier: Ha! This is beautiful! Nothing can stop me no- (is suddenly pelted with various objects)

Jury Member: You monster! You assaulted that poor minority!

Jury Member 2: Take him to the gallows!

Al Upitier: Fine! Throw your junk at me! See how little damage it causes to my flawless bod-

*Al looks down and sees a sharpened piece of wood has gone through his chest.*

Al: (sighs, then disintegrates into nothingness)

Pitydafool: (slowly rises) Ugh... must have been something in that milk... Don't wanna ride no planes (falls over)

*The entire community comes together to help Pitydafool recover with regular shipments of milk and steroids. So Pitydafool prepares... for a comeback.*

Wayne: Well, we did it Charlie. You can sleep in peace now.

Charlie: Haha, thanks man!

*Charlie goes to give Wayne a high-five, but accidentally misses and hits a wooden cross that is being sold at a souveneir stand. Charlie pulls his burning hand back, screaming in pain. Everyone around him laughs sitcom style.*

Wayne: (Voice-over) Dear diary, today was pretty swell. I beat up a black guy and a vampire without ruining my career. I wonder what cases tomorrow will bring. Oh well, we'll find out together diary.

*Wayne puts on his nightcap, closes his diary and falls asleep... unaware of the trials (omg pun) awaiting him the next day...*

~The next day passes normally. That night, he heads down to the bar to unwind, only to find someone sitting at the bar where he usually sits...~

Wayne: Chad Bootright!

~Chad turns around on his stool to face Wayne as Wayne sits on the stool next to him.~

Chad: Well well well, look who it is--Wayne Shoeleft. It's almost like you tried to rip off my name.

Wayne: I tried to rip off YOUR name? It's the other way 'round!

Chad: That's the same illogical argument you used back in the Hache case.

Wayne: I would've won that case if you hadn't cheated with your surprise witness!

Chad: You did the same to me, back in the LaPaglia case!

Wayne: Well I--no, wait. ~Wayne shakes his head~ I came here to unwind. I shouldn't be arguing with you.

Chad: Fine with me.

~Wayne orders a drink. They sit there for a few minutes, drinking quietly while everyone else in the bar is loud and rowdy.~

Wayne: LaPaglia didn't remember the witness until that day! I didn't plan it as a trap!

~And so, they argue late into the night, 2 AM. Everyone else has left but one bartender.~

Bartender Joe: Alright you two, it's time to go.

Wayne and Chad: Huh?

Bartender Joe: Get out of here, I'm closing.

~Wayne and Chad argue, even as they share a taxi (sharing it for practical purposes) to their houses. Wayne steps out of the taxi, paying the driver.~

Chad: ~shouting out the window~ ...but you're forgetting the Parker case! ~rolls up window quickly as the taxi drives off~

Wayne: Grr... I hate him.

~The next few days pass normally. Then, one evening after getting home, he receives a call.~

Wayne: Hello?

Chad: Hey, remember the other night?

Wayne: Yeah.

Chad: I'm accused of murder. I can't track down the taxi driver as a witness. My only alibi is that I was in the bar. The bartender doesn't remember me. The surveillance cameras haven't worked in years, their lenses are too greasy to make out anything.

Wayne: Oh... wow. Yeah, I can be a witness.

Chad: No, I need you to be my lawyer. The case is so open-and-shut against me that no one else wants to touch it.

Wayne: ~sigh~ Fine. I have a way of attracting these hopeless types lately, but you...

Chad: What?!

Wayne: Nevermind. The important thing is I need to know everything about you and who you supposedly killed. I don't want to use violence unless I absolutely have to.

Chad: I thought you preferred to see the court as a boxing ring these days.

Wayne: Shut up.

Chad: Wayne, let's continue this conversation in private, I think the police are tapping my phone lines...

Wayne: Sure, and I know just the place we can talk.

~Hang up~

*Later, at McDonald's*

(Wayne sits across from Chad at a booth near the window, he has a notepad out and is asking Chad a bunch of questions about last night.)

Wayne: Well, you're a somewhat respected lawyer, I don't think your character would come into question.

Chad: I've always been known as a perfect gentlemen, now, I'm accused of murder! And besides, I'm not one to fight in all of my cases *Looks at Wayne*.

Wayne: Hey! I told you, my VCR broke! But anyway, who's this guy who you "killed"?

Chad: His name was Guy Knockington, he was supposedly a famous puppeteer. The police found his body up in the tree outside of my house danging by rope.

Wayne: Whoa, is that it?

Chad: *Sigh* No, sadly there were *Gets into graphic detail* and all this rope going *More graphic detail* and all over my garage and *Even more graphic detail*...plus a red star was left on his forehead.

Wayne: I think I'm going to be sick.... Huh?

(They both look behind them to see children overhearing their conversation, and running off screaming.)

Wayne: Uhh...maybe we should head back to the bar.

Chad:...Yeah.

*Back at the bar*

Chad: Is this place always empty on the weekday?

Bartender: You guys looking for a drink?

Wayne: No, actually I'm looking for any witnesses who might have been in here last night.

Bartender: I only work day shifts, but there is a guy who's always here 24/7, but I'm not sure you want to talk to him.

(Chad slams his hand down on the table)

Chad: Wait, you're telling me there was another guy here last night? WHO?

Bartender: Besides the usual bartender, the janitor is always here. Some say he lives here in the bar, and steals vintage sports glasses when nobody is looking. Others say he's a vampire, one who sucks the blood out of any drunkie who pass out outside of the bar after closing time.

Wayne: Argh, not more vampires...

Chad: Where can we find this janitor?

Bartender: I always find him in that closet over there, burning random things like a pyromaniac! But I suppose if we just let our guard down, he'll come out of nowhere and- -

Janitor: Yerp.

*All three of them jump at the sound of this low talking, hunched over old man.*

Wayne: You almost gave me a heart attack man! Are you the janitor?

Janitor: Yerp, the name's Murphy. I'm the janitor at this here bar, yerp.

Chad: Murphy?

Murphy: Yerp.

Chad: Did you happen to see me and Wayne Shoeleft here last night at the bar arguing?

Murphy: Yerp.

Wayne: I'll take that as a yes! Ok Murphy, I need you to come with me.

Murphy: Yerp.

Chad: Wayne, why do you need to keep the janitor with you?

Wayne: It's a new tactic of mine. You see, if my evidence or witnesses are always with me or at a place that I know where they are, I won't lose them and nothing can happen to them! This way, when the trial comes, I can quickly get them at a moment's notice!

Chad: That's great and all, but are you going to keep this guy at your house or something?

Murphy: Yerp.

Wayne: That should answer your question, Chad. Now then, let's go back and search the crime scene!

*Later, at Chad's house*

Chad: Yeah uh, my house is still a huge mess from the murder.

Wayne: Say Chad, who do you think hates you enough that they would go and frame you for murder?

Chad: Well...you, for one.

Wayne:...Right.

Chad: Also, there's all the defense attorneys whose lives I've crushed by constantly beating them at cases.

Wayne: Is that it?

Chad: Hmmm, well there's my father, my brother Larry, my car mechanic, my dog, my best friend from grade school, my ex-girlfriend, my phone service...

*1 hour later*

Chad...and finally, myself.

Wayne: Wow, I didn't realize so many people hated you.

Chad: Don't feel bad, you get used to it.

Murphy: Yerp.

Wayne: Hmmm, while you were going off on your list there, I asked the police chief if he found any evidence.

Chad: Oh?

Wayne: All they found was a phone number that was clutched in the hand of the victim.

Chad: Did you call it yet?

Wayne: I did, but there was no answer, I even had time to trace the number while you were talking, but no luck.

Chad: You did your best Wayne, but at least we have Murphy and you as a witness. Let's call it quits for tonight, I'm sure we both need our rest to prepare for tomorrow's case.

Wayne: That reminds me, do you know who will be prosecuting?

Chad: I'll tell you, but you're not going to like it.

Wayne: Oh god, not another minority!

Chad: Worse...it's a woman.

Wayne: WHAAAAAAAAAT?

Chad: Gloria Whipass, she's the toughest female attorney in the whole damn state. She's strong when it comes to evidence, and can pull a trick or two in the ring.

Wayne: Now I REALLY can't fight! This is bad, I have almost no evidence to defend you, and if I have to go the way of the Loophole, I'll have no choice but to surrender!

Chad: If we keep our cool, I have a feeling we can win.

Wayne: I don't know...
Say, what do you think Murphy?

Murphy: Yerp.

Chad: Right, I'll see you tomorrow.

*Both leave*

(Later, at Wayne's house, he sets up a crude bed in his closet for Murphy to sleep in.)

Wayne: Hmm, are you sure you'll be ok, Murphy?

Murphy: Nerp.

Wayne: Nerp?

Murphy: Yerp.

Wayne: Alright then, I gotta run out for some coffee, I'll be right back.

(Wayne drives to a local Dunkin' Donuts for some fresh roasted coffee to calm his nerves.)

Wayne: Ahh, nothing like caffeine to help me get to sleep. It's a good thing I live right around the corner from- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE?

(Wayne jumps out of his car to see his whole house up in flames)

Wayne: WH-WH-WH-WH-WHAT H-H-H-H-H-HAPPENED?!??

(Suddenly, fire trucks start to pull up and immediately start to put out the fire.)

Wayne: ....

Fire Chief: Hey son, are you alright?

Wayne: ...just fine, except I just lost my house AND my only witness.

Fire Chief: Wait, there are PEOPLE in that house still?

Wayne: ...Yeah, a janitor witness of mine.

Fire Chief: QUICK, SOMEONE GET IN THERE AND RESCUE THE-

(House explodes and crumbles to the ground)

Fire Chief: ....Never mind.

Wayne: ...Well so much for a good night's sleep.

*chat spent a fun filled evening crying and sleeping on his lawn, the next morning He went to Chads house to get ready for the case, he knocks on the door and Chad opens it*

Wayne: Umm Chad, I have some bad news.......

Chad: Oh no, did your house burn down and Murphy die?

Wayne: How..... how did you know?!?!?!?

Chad: You live like two houses away from me!

Wayne: Oh yeah....

*The next day at the trial Wayne and Chad were in talking nervously, after all they had no evidence*

Chad: What are we gonna do!

Wayne: I have no idea!

Whipass: Hey we gonna get this trial started judge, I'm gonna whup these kids so hard even their Great Grandchildren will feel it!

Judge whupass: Lets get this trial started! WOOT WOOT!

Wayne: Wait, wait what? We havent eve-

*Whipass kos wayne in one punch*

Judge whupass: WOOT! This ends round one!

Wayne: What happened-

Judge whupass: Round 2! WOOT!

Wayne: WAIT-

*whipass kos Wayne again*

Judge Whupass: WOOTOWOOWOWWOOT

Wayne: ugh, stop knocking me-

Judge Whupass: Rounddddddd 3!

Whipass: Helllllll yeah, Ima kick his- acid reflux!

*Whipass runs to the bathroom, Wayne wins by default*

Chad: YOU WON!!!

Wayne: Wait a minute, Judge whupass!

Judge Whupass: What?

Wayne: You are the worst judge ever, you didnt even break for recess!

Judge Whupass: So

Wayne: You didnt even let anyone talk!

Judge Whupass: I dont care

Wayne: Why arent you fired

Judge Whupass: I pay off the police

Wayne: Were leaving

Chad: You are the worst judge ever * kicks judge*

*Wayne and Chad leave, but the judge says one final thing*

Judge Whupass: Well then who did kill the pupeteer?

Chad: WE DONT KNOW, WERE OUTTA HERE

*Wayne goes to his new home that he bought and begins to right in his diary which somehow survived the fire*

Wayne: Dear diary, Chad is off the hook! I managed to win the case.... but who did kill the pupeteer?

*cut to a dark alleyway where a man is about to be brutally massacred*

Man: Wait Wait...... Nooooooo *is blown to pieces, and a red star is left on his head...... which had been blown off*

Chapter 4: Killerman!

~One night, Wayne sits in a chair in his bedroom, writing in his diary and enjoying a cup of warm milk.~

Wayne: In the time it took me to find, buy, and move into a new home, the murderer that framed Chad Bootright hasn't been caught. In fact, he's become a serial murderer who leaves a strange signature--a red star on the victim's forehead. I haven't been able to bring Judge Whupass to justice, either. Despite this, I'm happy. Things have been calm since my last Loophole case, and I've been getting better as a lawyer. Signed, Wayne. ~puts away diary~
Hmm, my diary entries are getting more boring each night.

~The next day, Wayne appears in the local police station at the request of his client, George Thomas.~

George: They think I'm the serial murderer!

Wane: I heard. Don't panic, I know how to handle this. We'll clear your name in no time.

~George isn't kept at the prison for long because there isn't enough proof to keep him there until the trial. Time passes, the murders continue, and Wayne investigates George Thomas' case diligently.

Minutes before the trial begins...~

Wayne: The prosecution has no conclusive evidence; only witnesses that can easily be refuted. Just stay calm, Mr. Thomas, you'll be free of this in no time.

~They enter the courtroom, followed by the prosecuting lawyer, a modest woman in her 30's dressed in a business suit. The jury and the audience are already sitting.~

Bailiff: Everyone please rise for the honorable Judge Duo.

~The judge enters, sits down, and bangs the gavel.~

Judge Duo: Now listen here, if you step A TOE out of line, I'll hold you in contempt of court for the next month but don't forget to have fun, too! Now take a seat!!

Wayne: ~thinking~ This is going well. I don't even know the prosecutor's name, so she can't be some threatening stereotype. Yep, my loophole days are truly behind me...

~Everyone sits down. As the prosecutor sits down, a strange noise fills the room. She reaches below her and pulls out a whoopee cushion.~

Duo: ~blushing~ That was me.

Wayne: ~thinking~ Well, the judge is a bit loopy, but I don't think it'll be a problem...

~The trial progresses. Eventually, the prosecutor has an old lady up on the witness stand.~

Old Lady: Yes, I remember that night. There were lots of stars.

Prosecutor: Yes, well, just stick to "yes" or "no" for now. Now,

~Meanwhile, George clutches his head, mumbling "stars." Wayne turns to him.~

Wayne: Hey, are you oka--

~George extends his arms as far as he can, knocking Wayne to the ground. His eyes glow red and his fingernails extend into deadly claws.~

Old lady: THAT'S what I saw! THAT'S the killerman!!

Prosecutor: Serial killer.

Old lady: That's what I said! He's a killerman!!

Wayne: What the--?! George, I think there's something you didn't tell me!

George (Killerman): AAARRRRGH!

~The Killerman swipes at Wayne with his claws, who barely rolls out of the way.~

Wayne: Yeah, you definetely left something out!

Prosecutor: Stop him, he's going for my witness!

George (Killerman) leaps over the table where he and Wayne were sitting, and rushes at the Old Lady. Wayne brushed himself off and got up after nearly avoiding a serious wound, but then he was pushed aside by the bailiff, who took out his taser and immediately used it on George, who had his claws less than a foot away from the Old Lady's face. He soon collapsed and was tackled by all of the court bailiffs. After a minute or so, he was wrestled into a small metal dog cage, and placed in the middle of the courtroom at the request of Judge Duo.

Wayne (brushing himself off again): Well this...changes a few things, doesn't it?

Prosecutor: If by a few things you mean everything. This proves that George Thomas is now, without a doubt...100% GUILTY-

Wayne: OBJECTION. This proves nothing!

Prosecutor: OBJECTION. This proves everything!

Wayne: I OBJECT TO THAT, TOO.

Prosecutor OBJECTION!

Wayne: OBJECTION!

As Judge Duo is watching both Wayne and the Prosecutor exchange objections over and over again, something catches his eye. The old lady who was sitting quietly all throughout the trial was stuffing something into her odd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle brand purse.

Judge Duo: Old Lady, what is that you have there?

The Judge speaking seemed to pause Wayne and the Prosecutor for a moment.

Old Lady: Well if you must know, they're my glasses, and I need them to see properly.

Wayne jumps on the opportunity to object yet again.

Wayne: Were you wearing them on the night of the murder by any chance?

Prosecutor: OBJECTION! What does this have to do with the case?

Wayne: DUHHH, it's the oldest trick in the book. If she couldn't see properly, how does she know it was George here and not some other rampaging monster who killed the victim?

Prosecutor: Seriously, are you really that stupid? Even if you're nearly blind, you couldn't mistake THAT (points at the Killerman) for someone else. You don't think that there is more than one monster running around out there, do you?

Wayne: Well...maybe it's the werewolf effect?

Judge Duo: Swhuh?

Wayne: You know, (Wayne stands up and pulls out a giant drawing showing werewolves and people turning into werewolves from behind the judge's desk.) when the original werewolf bites another person, they turn into a werewolf them self. It's 7th grade science, people.

A hush fell over the courtroom. Wayne remained standing, feeling proud of himself for what he may have just accomplished. Judge Duo thought to himself for a moment and began again.

Judge Duo: So...if what you're saying is true, then there could be another wereman?

Wayne: WereWOLF, your Honor.

Prosecutor: Will you stop with this, Wayne? There is no proof that there is another "Werewolf", or any proof that it wasn't George who killed the victim.

Wayne (To himself): She's right...there's nothing I can show that proves George innocent. Should I just...* starts to rolls up sleeves*...No, I can't fight, not now. I've been doing a lot better than usual, if only I could show them that George didn't do it.

Judge Duo interrupts again.

Judge Duo: Excuse me, but what are you putting into your odd purse this time?

Everyone looks back up at the Judge's bench, as the old woman speaks out again.

Old Lady: Well, it's my cell phone, I think I might be home late for dinner, so I wanted to call my husband.

This gave Wayne an idea.

Wayne: Your honor, may I try something right here and now?

Prosecutor: OBJECTION... Oh wait, so what are you doing?

Wayne: Just watch.

Wayne took out his cell phone and a number scribbled onto a piece of bloody paper.

Judge Duo: Mr. Shoeleft, what is that?

Wayne: If you'll recall to the evidence gathered from the first murder scene, the one involved with the Chad Bootirght case.



Wayne: Oddly enough, there was another piece of evidence involved in the recent murder.



Wayne: I have a hunch. If we call this number in court today, the person will pick up. How do I know this? Because that person is more than likely to be in THIS courtroom!

There was a collective gasp from the crowd, and a small laugh from someone in the back, the Judge scratched his head, and the Prosecutor just shook her head. George still remained silent in his cage.

Wayne: Here goes nothing.

*BRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNGGG BRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNGGGG!*

~a phone rang out in the court~

~everyone looked around~

~it rang again~

~they focused on the source...~

Old Lady: Oh dear. I must have the wrong phone!

Wayne: OBJECTION! There's no way that could be the wrong phone! (Wow, I think I have them on the ropes now...)

Old Lady: B-but-

Prosecutor: Wonderful, Wayne Shoeleft. But you forget your client still resembles the Killerman. Before I'll even acknowledge a connection between my witness and Chad Bootright, tell me this: How could Killerman be a case of lycanthropy - and why did your client become a Killerman instead of himself being killed?

Wayne: I- (Snap! I didn't think of that! But how do I know he isn't the Killerman...?)



Wayne: (He has an alibi... but only with me and my secretary. I don't think her testimony would hold up in court though, given her penchant for only existing in flashbacks. I really didn't want to have to do this, but....)

Judge Duo: Well, son?

Wayne: My client was with me during one of the Killerman killings. But since I can't testify, I wish to challenge the Prosecutor to battle - to prove my client's innocence!

Judge Duo: Oh boy! *pulls out popcorn from under his stand* This is gonna be good! Does the Prosecution accept?

Prosecutor: ... *throws head back and laughs* Hahaha! You fool! I heard you were stupid, but I didn't realize you were suicidal! You don't even know who I am, do you!?

Wayne: ... hwuh? (Wait... I think I remember now! She spent the last ten years in Germany where the Loophole is the standard fare of court proceedings! I saw her in a magazine when I was researching the Loophole during Pudd Mudd's case! They say she's defeated lawyers twice her size... they called her-)

Prosecutor: I am MISTRESS VON ORDERIA. *pulls out whip and cracks it* I want to thank you, by the way Shoeleft. I never would have returned to America if you hadn't set up the precedent for Loophole tactics emerging again. You're something of a hero of mine, but I will enjoy crushing your face into the hardwood floor!

Wayne: ... (oh boy) ... not while I have the truth on my side!

Bailiff: *rings giant gong* The People vs. George Thomas... Round 1! Fight!

Orderia: Prepare for a whooping!

*Orderia punches Wayne, who falls down and scrambles up, and dodges Orderias second follow up punch*

Wayne: Hah, you'll never hit me now!

*Orderia cracks her whip at Wayne, knocking him out of round one*

Wayne: Owww

*Judge Duo rings the bell*

Duo: Round one is over! A fifteen minute recess.


*Wayne drags Georges cage outside, and starts talking to him*

Wayne: George, how am I gonna beat her?

George: Gyaaaggh Killerman!

Wayne: Whatever, I have to get back

*Wayne walks off, and accidentally drops the key*

George: Hahahahaha

*Duo rings the bell*

Judge Duo: Round 2!

Orderia: I am going to vip you Wayne-

*George runs in, and cuts Orderia in half*

Wayne: Oh my god!

George: Gyaaaaaaaaah!

*George faints, the possesion goes away*

Wayne: George............

OoC: I hope this ending doesn't come off too cheap. If it does, apologies.

~The bailiffs have dragged the cage back in the court and are getting George inside.~

Wayne: Hmm...

~Wayne looks towards the old woman, who is stuffing something back into her purse.~

Orderia: Ready to continue our match?

Wayne: AH!

~Wayne looks down to see Orderia fiddling with some clasps on her hip, and then getting up. He's speechless. The jury gasps.~

Orderia: What?

Wayne: You--you--

Orderia: I'm metal below the waist, get over it. Your client almost put a scratch on my legs, too.

~Wayne grins.~

Wayne: You'll notice there's no red star on Ms. Orderia's forehead.

~The jury gasps again as a peep of noise comes from the Old Lady.~

Wayne: What was that, Mrs. Hound?

Old Lady/Mrs. Hound: N-nothing.

Wayne: Can I see your cell phone for a second, ma'am?

~Silence.~

Wayne: If you're innocent, you have nothing to hide, correct?

Orderia: Objection! The defense is just delaying his own defeat at my hands.

Duo: I dunno, I'm kinda curious,... objection DENIED! Sit down Mistress Von Orderia!

~Wayne walks over to the witness stand.~

Wayne: The jury will only be suspicious if you don't hand over your completely standard cell phone. You have the right to keep it, but I think everyone here was curious when you kept taking it in and out of your purse...

~Mrs. Hound hands the cell phone over.~

Wayne: Mr. Thomas is locked and secured, right?

~The bailiffs nod their heads.~

Wayne: Please watch the phone, judge, so the jury knows what I'm doing. Now, let's go to your history and call the last person you called...

~Wayne highlights the last number that Hound called and hits "OK." Seconds later, George's nails grow again and he starts thrashing in his cage. The bailiffs barely hold the cage steady. Orderia turns to Mrs. Hound.~

Orderia: You tried to--

~Duo bangs the gavel.~

Duo: Order in the court! There will be no harrassing of witnesses!

Wayne: Huh.

~Wayne presses "1" on the phone's number pad. George takes a packet of red star stickers from his pocket and applies a red star sticker to one of the bars of the cage.~

Wayne: Oh.

~Wayne presses "2." George, still in Killerman form, sits down calmly and starts talking.~

George: Oh! You finally found her number! I left them at every crime scene, what took you so long?

Wayne: I'd like to swear George Thomas into the witness stand.

Duo: This is highly unorthodox! Sounds fun!

~A bailiff nervously holds a bible under George's claws as he gives the oath.~

Wayne: Are you the Killerman?

George: ...One of them.

Wayne: And yet you denied being the Killerman when I was working on your case. Why?

George: I couldn't... my memories go away... I can't remember anything when I am human. That's why, when I'm killing people, I leave Mrs. Hound's number everywhere.

Wayne: Excuse me?

George: Mrs. Hound has full control over me in my Killerman form. That cell phone in your hands controls me. The button you just pressed is the emergency stop button. I could just barely muster enough self-control to leave a copy of her cell phone number at each scene. In fact, I left Mrs. Hound's number wherever I could in the hopes that someone would attach her to the murder. But, as you saw, that didn't work...

Wayne: I see. Do you know why Mrs. Hound would want to do this?

George: I don't. I don't remember ever meeting her. All I know is that I hear her voice when I'm a Killerman.

Wayne: I see. Like this? ~speaks into phone~ Lick your knee.

~George licks his knee.~

Wayne: How can I contact the others, if you are not the only Killerman?

George: Check her contacts list.

Wayne: I rest my case, your honor. ~hands the cell phone back to Mrs. Hound and sits down, smiling~

Duo: Mrs. Orderia?

Orderia: I invoke the loophole, your honor.

Wayne: Oh, come on! I proved that my client is innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt! You know that!

Orderia: Were not some of your past clients guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt, yet you had the confidence in them to use the loophole?

Wayne: This is completely--

Duo: Sure, go right on ahead! Let's get to Round 3!

~Orderia fiercely leaps towards Wayne, her whip in hand. She cracks it at him, and he falls down. She then grips it between two hands, holding it in such a way that she can choke him with it. She falls down towards him to use her whip to choke him, but Wayne sticks his foot up. When her legs meet his foot, her torso falls on him while her legs fall backwards. He rolls over, pinning her to the ground, and gets up.~

Orderia: This isn’t a fair fight! I didn’t have enough time to properly clasp my lower body to my upper body after your client attacked me!

Wayne: Well, for one, you were the one who was hasty to use the loophole. Secondly, all’s fair in love, war, and
The Loophole

Epilogue

~Wayne once again writes in his diary from the comfort of his home.~

“Society is still reeling from the Killerman case. Families and friends of the victims of the Killermen are glad to hear the madness is over, as is everyone—myself included. There were four others in Mrs. Hound’s contact list. Scientists are studying them to find out how exactly Mrs. Hound’s technology worked, scanning their brains. The technology looks more complex than most of, if not all, the medical field has ever seen, they say.
As for Mrs. Hound, she’s in an insane asylum.

I guess the loophole finally caught up with me, with Mistress Von Orderia using it against me today. It didn’t seem that she truly believed George was fully guilty, but she merely did it for the opportunity to fight. I hope I never come to use the loophole in the same way…

Signed,
Wayne”

EDIT: Now, unless anyone has any beef, we can move onto Loophole 2! Which will work just like Loophole 1, it'll just be a new topic.