OoC: This is going to take place in a timeline completely unrelated to any other story. It would be far too hard to try to place it in the Neutral Timeline, and holy cow it could never work in Good or Bad. Plus, I don't know any other stories in general that it could be in the same timeline with.

~A news reporter stands in front of an open field an hour or so before sunset. The cameras focuses on her. 3... 2... 1...~

Reporter: Thanks, Stan. I'm standing in western Nothing. The view behind me is picturesque, as you can see--but soon, that will no longer be the case. The government has recently sold this land to--

~Rhykette, the robotic person, zooms into view--next to the reporter--with her jet feet.~

Rhykette: --me!

Reporter: ?? No, but--

Rhykette: If I don't make good use of ALL of this land within a year, the government will sell it to construction companies, and they'll build malls and all sorts of crap on it. That's right, we need farmers for this land. Come out to my office at 1010 Plain Road, that's in western Nothing, you can MapQuest it. We'll set'cha up with some good land.

Reporter: Um. You heard it, folks? Apparently this woman,...

Rhykette: Rhykette's the name.

Reporter: Rhykette needs your help farming this land in order to convince the government not to sell it to construction companies. Back to you, Stan!

*People all over the world were watching this news cast*

Director: Farming! That means theyll need a bar tender! Hot Diggity!

***

Chibi: Farming is fun

***

*More watched, but these were the first two to respond to the call*

Rhykette: Wait, I'm not done yet

Reporter: I said back to you stan

* A helicopter comes and retrieves the reporter*

Rhykette: Will any one come now?

Director: Heya!

Rhykette: Do I know you?

Director: Well I'm definetely not Killerman if thats what youre thinking!

Rhykette: Ok............

Director: Im here about the farming-

Rhykette: you want to farm!

Director: Errrr no. I want to open up a bar!

Rhykette: Oh..... ok then, you can have the piece of land by the river

Director: Shweet, see ya later!

*Director leaves to open his bar*

Rhykette: Now who will come for farming?

Chibi: Hiya

~Luiigii of the Pipes stands at the helm of an ancient, landbound pirate ship, a strong wind whipping his hair and robe as he gazes out upon acres of wheat--wheat that reaches all the way to the horizon. He turns and jumps over the side, delicately landing amidst the stalks so as not to damage any of them. Glancing up at the ship's flag, which displays a foreboding skull in the shape of his own head, he then turns and runs through the field. As he runs, he pulls up stalk after stalk and places them in a tattered blue backpack he wears. Before he has even finished one row, it is six o' clock. Luiigii falls to his knees in the midst of the wheat, gasping.~

Luiigii: There has to be... a faster way... to do this...

Rhykette: So you want to farm?

Chibi: You bet!

Rhykette: Ok. Go talk to the mayor. You can have that run down but quaint farm over there.

Chibi: Hooray!

*Chibi rushes to the run down farm and notices the mayor lounging by the mailbox.*

Mayor Flutter: Oh…hey there! I’m Mayor Flutter. I even have the funny top hat and bow tie to prove I’m the mayor of a deserted town! Yessiree, I know everything about this town…except for why it’s failing…and why there’s only like five people in it…
Well this is pretty much all you get: a one-room “house”, a barn, and a mailbox. Oh and a dog house if you have a dog.

Chibi: I do! He’s over there!

*Flutter looks at a huge dog that’s the same size as Chibi*

Flutter: Are you sure that’s a dog?! It’s like a small bear!
But speaking of animals the barn comes with a cow. A nice farm cow. You wouldn’t want some other kind of cow for your farm after all.

Chibi: Eeee cow! *goes and hugs it*

Flutter: Riiight….and you have some seeds to get you started on growing crops. Seeds require lots of work. Watering, umm growing, something else…maybe.
Anyway just raise some animals, grow crops, make friends, get married…

Chibi: M-mmarried?! But I’m too young!

Flutter: Oh there’s no law about age around here.

Chibi: Eep! I’m still too young!

Flutter: Oh well, just follow those things and this town will be doing well in no time! I’m the mayor after all! I know best! Ignore the fact that the town is crumbling after my years of governing. Bye now!

*Chibi gets over the shock of being ordered to get married & happily goes to plant crops. A cat comes & brushes up against her, purring*

Chibi: Oooh look! A kitty! *hugs it*

*Director pops up & snatches the kitty out of Chibi’s hands*

Chibi:

Director: (talking to the cat) No! You’re supposed to hate her! She uses too many smilies! Bad kitty!
*the cat scratches Director and runs off*

***At Luigi’s sea of wheat farm

Mysterious voice: So…you want a faster way to harvest wheat huh?

*Luigi tries to dig himself out of the maze of wheat to see who’s talking to him*

Luigi: Eavesdropper! And yeah. What’s your idea? And why do you look so weird?

Evil Scientist Dude: I’m not a mad scientist! Ignore the freaky glasses and lab coat! Uhh I mean…right, my idea! Hehe. You need a tractor! Which I have cleverly invented!

Luigi: You didn’t invent that! It’s been around forever!

Evil Scientist Dude: I invented it for this town!

Luigi: Oh ok. Wait a second. We can’t have tractors. There’s no electronic devices in this town but TV and lights!

* Mayor Flutter pops up*

Flutter: That’s because we have to protect the environment! No harmful fuel! …Ohh…this wheat is so soft…and cozy….ZZZZZZ *Mayor Flutter falls asleep in the sea of wheat. Evil scientist Dude and Luigi stare at him for a minute, then resume talking*

Evil Scientist Dude: Anyway, my tractor runs on alternative fuel. Magical Mushrooms!! Muwahahaha!

Luigi: Uh huh. Now I know you’re crazy.

Evil Scientist Dude: I may be crazy but the Magical Mushrooms exist and can fuel anything! They belong to the Harvest Sprites. That’s how their tree house glows all the time-the mushrooms are the source. You just need to go and get them! Good luck!
*he slinks off into the field of wheat*

Flutter: Oww! You stepped on me!

Evil Scientist Dude: Opps. Sorry. Hehe.

Luigi: Hmm well if it’ll harvest my wheat faster, it’s worth a shot! To the Harvest Sprites!

***At Director’s Bar

Chibi: Phew! I’m tired after all that planting!

Director: Welcome to my Bar! I’m not Killerman…really. Ignore the crossed out sign on the door.

Chibi: Ummm…sure. Can I get something to drink please?

Director: Well I’ve got beer, and wine, and…

Chibi: Uhh do you have anything without alcohol? I’m underage.

Director: Nonsense. Everyone can drink here!

Chibi: Isn’t there any concept of age here?

*Flutter pops up again*

Flutter: Nope. Because no one ever ages….EVER. There’s a time warp! Yeah that’s it!
Plus the only laws in this town are to keep the environment safe and do your best! Oooh shiny beer glass! I want some!

Chibi: Ah…Well don’t you have anything without alcohol?

Director: Nope.

Chibi: Wait, milk is on your menu-what about that?

Director: All our drinks have alcohol in them.

Chibi: Even the milk?

Director: Especially the milk.

Chibi. ...What about water?

Director: Oh yeah that stuff. Yeah I guess that’s fine. If you’re boring and ignore the fact that you’re in a bar and should be drinking.

Chibi: I’ll take that then! Oh what’s this? *takes piece of paper out of crack in table* Hey a recipe for fruit juice! Yay!

Director: Fruit juice eh?....................... I could give it a whirl if you want.

Chibi: Yes please!

*5 minutes later Director comes back with some fruit juice*

Director: Here ya go kiddo

Chibi: Yay!

*Chibi takes a sip, and she spits it out disgusted8

Chibi: Is there...... VODKA in this?!?!?

Director: OF COURSE

Chibi: Fine, just get me more water....

Director: With vodka in it?

Chibi: NO!

*The next day, at Directors bar, Directors talking to himself in his room*

Director: What happened..... my life was so happy..... then- oh a customer

*Director runs to the front of his bar *

Director: Hello?

Flutter: Good Mornin Director, I'll have the steak and eggs

Director: Comin up

*five minutes later*

Director: Heres yer meal Flutter

Flutter: Thanks Director, say, what did you do before this

Director:.......................................... Things happened, people died...... I dont want to talk about it

Flutter: oooooooooook

*switch to Chibis farm*

Chibi: Good morning sun!

Sun: Good Morning Chibi!

Chibi: Eeek!

*After Chibi recovered from her shock, she got dressed an got ready for a hard days work*

Chibi: This is gnna be- hey whos that?

* a boy roughly her age is lying unconcious in the field*

Chibi: Oh my god!

*chibi pulls the boy to her house , and lays him on her couch, about an hour later he awakens*

Golem: Where... where am I

~Luiigii enters a small cave and looks around.~

Luiigii: Sprites of the harvest. I have a demand. I come bearing... um... ~grabs some stones off the ground~ magic pebbles!

~Luiigii sees nothing except for a pair of flowers waving gently behind some rocks further in the cave. After a bit, he realizes that there is no wind and goes over to investigate.~

????????: The beast approacheth! Oh Great Mamuta, spare us his unholy wrath!

??????: Arrrrrgh! Shut yer bloody hole a'fore the 'lubber 'ears us!

???????: I'm going to go check. He can't be worse than watching you two bicker again...

~A small red creature with beady eyes and a pointed nose steps out from behind the rock, one of the waving flowers attached to its head. It clenches its tiny fists and steps purposefully toward Luiigii, as if it could beat up someone 1,000 times larger than itself if necessary.~

???????: What magic pebbles, strange farmer?

Luiigii: Um... you're not sprites.

???????: Yes we are.

Luiigii: Sprites are supposed to be gnomes, which are tiny humanoid creatures with pointy ears.

???????: Pointy ears, eh? Prophmin! He wants to see you!

Prophmin: Curse thee, WULFMIN! The Mamuta shalt smite you for bringing upon us DOOM! DOOOOOOM!

Wulfmin: He's shy. Arrmin?

~A yellow creature (Prophmin), similarly shaped to Wulfmin but with pointy ears instead of nose, is thrown from behind the rock and lands with a thud next to his companion. Unlike Wulfmin's flower-topped sprout, Prophmin's is broken and hangs behind him. The third steps from behind the rock as well, a blue version (Arrmin) with a red mouth. Over one of his eyes is a crude eyepatch.~

Arrmin: What's he wantin'?

Wulfmin: I didn't get to that yet.

Luiigii: I desire... Magic Mushrooms!

Arrmin: Them ain't legal. 'cept in international waters.

Luiigii: Not to EAT. As fuel for these newfangled tractor things.

Prophmin: Go play SUPER MARIO BROS. then, foul creature! Leave us to our own DOOM!

Wulfmin: We could arrange a trade, provided you got something REAL to trade.

Luiigii: ~sadly tosses the pebbles aside~ What do you want?

~The three huddle together for a moment, then turn back to him.~

Prophmin: A blog to spread my insane doom propaganda!

Arrmin: ~tackles Prophmin and starts beating him~

Wulfmin: We want... NECTAR!

---

A refresher for posters old and new:

~Meanwhile, at YE OLDE FARM~

Pretty Young Lass: I'll never be able to get this farm running. Not when Rhykette sold me a farm covered in defunct farm utensils emitting toxic radiation that mutates plants and animals.

Giant Piranha Plant: *eats an oversized frog*

Pretty Young Lass: It's hopeless! *starts walking and trips over a rock*

Rock: Hey!

Pretty Young Lass: Eek! What was that?

Rock: Ye dinna trip over someone's spot of sleeping and say "What was that"! It's plenty rude, lassie!

Pretty Young Lass: I didn't see you! You're all gray and-

Rock: *stands up and pulls off his rock-colored blanket. He's a short four-foot tall man* Well look where ya walk next time, ye stupid lassie!

Pretty Young Lass: You. You're a.... a... what are you?

Rock: Well I isnae a stupid wee fairy if that be what ye trying tae say! And ae isnae a elf, sprite, gnome, or any other bloody mythical creature what dances all around making merry with the birdies!

Pretty Young Lass: Then you're... a...

Rock: A dwarf, ye bloody tree topper! Thrakun Skullcracker.

Pretty Young Lass: Oh. My name is Elenia Fayrweather.

Thrakun: Ye mean it's Helga.

Helga: No it's- hey! My name isn't Helga!

Thrakun: Wrong, lassie. It's Helga now. So I suspect ye be the new proprietress of this farm, aye?

Helga: Uh... well yeah, but it's a lost cause. Besides, I didn't know there were dwarves in farms.

Thrakun: ... there aren't.

Helga: But-

Thrakun: Shut it! It's a long story, lass. To suffice, the dwarves had a war with the entire sprite/elf/gnome/fairy army.

Helga: And you lost?

Thrakun: Crimey, no! Ye be thick in the head? We slaughtered those bloody twinky-feets. I just had the misfortune of being the only dwarf to die!

Helga: ... oh.

Thrakun: And when Death came tae take me on to the next world, I wouldnae let him. But I can only be in material form if I stay in this farm.

Helga: So you can help with the farm?

Thrakun: Pshaw! Dwarves dinna farm, lassie! *puts back on rock cape* Good luck lassy!

Helga: Hey! Wait! Wake up! .... stupid dwarf. *walks away*

Thrakun: *throws a rock at her head, knocking her out*

*In a secluded cornfield, Shade slices through cornstalks with a scythe.*

Shade: Ah, this is a wonderful way to relieve my anger. But, it's quite tiring.

*Shade looks up and sees a mysterious farmer.*

???: Why don't you come on over to my place, son? I'll have you back up to speed in a jiffy!

Shade: Huh? Oh sure. Let's go, old man.

*Shade follows the farmer to his home and enters.*

???: Now, Martha, why don't you make some tea for our visitor here?

Shade: (looks around confused, and sees no one) Martha?

*The farmer and Shade sit down at the table and begin drinking the tea- which wasn't there when Shade had glanced towards it as he had entered the house.*

???: Now now son, let's get this done and settled before I have to go put the cows to pasture for the day. See, I have a proposition to make. I want your farm, and I won't go two ways on it.

Shade: My farm? No way! I paid big money for it, and I'm not getting swindled! I swore I'd make sure I never get pushed around or bullied in these OGs ever again!

*Shade gets up and puts on his fedora, while preparing to leave.*

Shade: (angrily) Good day, si- AUGH

*Shade looks down and sees a pitchfork sticking out from his chest. The farmer withdraws the pitchfork, which morphs back into his left hand. Shade drops over.*

???: I told you, there was no two ways on the subject. I will make all of Nothing into my farmland... my perfect ripe farmland. And I won't let no stubborn pilgrims fool around with me, no sir! By the way, pilgrim, the name's Jon. But you can call me Farmer.

*Farmer Jon grabs Shade's body, then he opens his mouth inhumanely large and swallows Shade whole. Then he walks out the door.*

Farmer Jon: I'll be back before the Sun settles, Martha. I have some seeds to sow.

*Alright, lets return to Directors bar*

Rhykette: Give me a Gimlet Director!

Director: You look happy, whats the occasion?

Rhykette: So many people are farming, this land will surely be saved!

Director: Thats great, heres your Gimlet, I'll be right back...

*cut to Director in a back room*

Director: What happene, I was happy for once, well this town seems special, maybe it will return the happiness lost..... Killerman- oh there are the shot glasses I was looking for

*Back to the main bar room*

Director: Hey whered Rikette go?

*Chibi bursts in through the door dragging Golem by the hand*

Golem: Dont we have to be 21 to get in here?

Chibi: Not in this town, heya Director, look who I found!

Director: Whats your name sonny?

Golem: Its Golem

Director: Ah, well have yourselfs a seat, hey Chibi, look what I got for you

*Director pulls out a juicer*

Chibi: Yay! So now I can have juice minus the alchohol!

Director: Errrrrrr, well if you really-

Chibi: Yay! Get me a lemonade!

Golem: I'll have a lemonade as well

Director: Alright lemonades for the young couple!

Chibi: Were not a couple! *her cheeks go red*

Director: Whatever you say kiddo

*After Golem and Chibi finish their lemonades they leave Directors bar and are walking around outside*

Chibi: Hey Golem, you can stay at my place if you want tonight

*Cut to Flutters house*

Flutter: I wonder how the bars doin,better pop in!

*As Golem and Chibi walk out of the bar Director suddenly goes after them*

Director: Wait a minute! You need to introduce yourself more than that! I’m a bar tender! It’s the law you tell me a story!
So how’d you meet?

Chibi: Well….*enter flashback mode to Chibi’s Farm*

Golem: Where am I? What happened? And who are you?

Chibi: I found you unconscious in my field and then brought you inside. Are you okay?
Oh I’m Chibi by the way.

Golem: Oh yeah I was working without a break…I guess I forgot to eat. *sweatdrop* I’m Golem. Umm thanks for helping. I’m fine now. *stands up….falls back down* Err maybe not.

Chibi: Eep! Just sit for awhile! There’s no doctor in this town unless you count that mad scientist, but I know some things about taking care of people! Here drink some water! *hands him a glass of water*

Golem: It’s not from him right? *points to Chibi’s dog who is filling up his water bowl with drool*

Chibi: No! It’s from the well, which I discovered yesterday! Oh and the glass is edible too! Apparently all dishes are edible here! Yay!
….So why are you here in this town? Did you come to farm as well?

Golem: Nah I just came for the quiet and nice scenery. I might open up a shop of some sort. Or take over that abandoned library. Books are nice. J

Chibi: Ah cool!

Golem: Yeah I heard they have all sorts of old books about the magical creatures that live around here.

Chibi: Really? We should go in search of them! I bet that’s what’s wrong with the village! The magical creatures aren’t helping anymore!

Golem: Uhhh…sure.
Can we get something to drink besides water before we go?

Chibi: Ok!

~Wavy lines bring us back to the present, back in Director's Bar, and everything's in color again~

Chibi: And that's how I landed Golem here!

Golem: Wait don't I get a say in this? *gets up off his chair and staggers down to the floor again. Chibi Tohru goes to help him up again*

Bartender: Man, this town is just as nice and heart-warming as I thought it'd be. Well, that story's got to be wortha coupla free drinks on the house. Here you go, kids, two cups of Mike's Hard Lemonade. That'll be $5.95.

~All of a sudden, the door to the tavern slams open with a BANG. An icy wind blows in and we hear vague organ music and church bells in the distance. A lean, vulture-like man dressed in black clergyman's robes with glinting glasses steps in~

Director: Hey, watch the framing on my brand new doo- um. *notices the bar has gone noticeably quiet*

Vicar: *booming* LET NO JOYFUL VOICE BE HEARD! LET NO MAN LOOK UP AT THE SKY WITH HOPE! AND LET THIS DAY BE CURSED BY WE WHO READY TO- *looks down at the kids* What is this?

Patron: *removes hat and speaks up* Newcomers to the village, Vicar.

Tohru: The Vicar? *pops up and extends hand* Chee! Pleasure to meet you, your Vicarship! I'm Chibi-Tohru, and I'm one of those who has moved into the farm down at-

Vicar: *points at Golem with cane* Why is that boy lying on the floor?

Tohru: Oh, that's Golem! He's worked very hard today, too hard in fact, and he was exhausted, so I brought him here to get something for him to-

~The Vicar advances to bar, picks up the shot glass with a gloved hand, brings it to his nose and sniffs it~

Vicar: *turning sharply* LIQUOR!

Tohru: No, we ordered lemona-

Vicar: THIS BOY IS DRUNK! *dramatically flings the glass into the fireplace, causing the fire to momentarily erupt into a fantastic roaring fireball*

Everyone: *blinks in fear*

Vicar: WHO IS THE PURVEYOR OF THIS TINCTURE OF TEMPTATION? *whirls on Director*

Director: *peeking up over the counter* Um, I, um, it was a joke, um, that is, this is a bar, um, and I, um, serve, ah.

Vicar: *leans in menacingly* I have not seen you within my church. Who are you, who lets seep the drink of the Devil through the rivers of this village's souls?

Golem: *from the floor* I'm not drunk, I'm just a little tired and-

Vicar: GET THIS BOY OFF THE FLOOR AND TAKE HIM BACK TO HIS HOUSE TIL THE STINK IS REMOVED FROM HIS VEINS, AND-

*the bar door slams open again and this time, a villager in tattered robes staggers in, swinging a lantern*

Villager: Someone! Come quick! There's been a murder down at the Shoscombe Old Place!*

Vicar: Who was it?

Villager: ...Old Man Shade!

~dun dun DUN~

Vicar: Fetch the Constable! Everyone else, to your houses! AND YOU... *turns to Director, Tohru and Golem* I SHALL SEE THEE ON SUNDAY. ~stalks out hurriedly~

Tohru: Bye Vicar! You bet! See you this Sunday! *wavies* Such a kindly seeming old man. I bet he gives a wonderful sermon!

Director:

==============================================

** Totally not ripped from "The Adventure of Shoscombe Olde Place," The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Director: I'm busy Sunday..........

Chibi: Well what about next Sunday?

Director: Im kinda booked Sunday....... FOREVER!

Chibi: Oh.... ok then, have fun at whatever youre doing!

Director: I'll try..... Say, Im going to go to old man Shades house to check out the scene, you kids should be getting home.

Golem: Okay, I'm tired.

*Chibi is walking with Golem to her house*

Chibi: So, youre going to be staying with me, on my couch.

Golem: Okay.

Chibi: So, tommorow we can eat at Directors bar, and talk to Mr. Flutter about building an extra room at my house where you can stay

Golem: Good but lets hurry, cause I'm beat!

Chibi:

*cut to old man Shades house*

Director: What happened here Vicar?

Vicar: Hes missing............

Director: So you're not sure hes dead?

Vicar: Well, were pretty positive.......

Director: Why?

Flutter: Cause we found this.

*Flutter drags out old man Shades skeleton, apparently puked up like a snake*

Director: Oh my god! Ok, we cant tell the children, they dont need this kind of worry.

Vicar: Right, by the way WHY DO YOU SERVE ALCHOHOL AT YOUR BAR!

Director: Well uh, I mean, its a ba-

Vicar: *thunderclap* Alchohol is the devils playground!

OoC: Wha... We're still bothering timelines?

OoC: LOL, I suppose not really. But it's something always on my mind.

OoC: Alright you guys, stop LOL-igaging around