~The scene is a vast field of summer vegetables in rows. Golem finishes watering the last one and stands up, tired, wiping the sweat from his brow. As he looks around, crows are soaring around wantonly, pecking corn and sitting on the shoulders of his tattered old-fashioned scarecrow~

Golem: Maaan.

Narrator: Golem, your scarecrow's pathetic.

Golem:

Narrator: This land is YOUR LAND.

~Golem drags his tattered scarecrow into his shed, throws it down on a workbench and gets out some tools~

Narrator: They're using your farm like it's a free buffet, well nothing in life is free!

~Golem adds on mechanical limbs, sensors, flame throwers, and other nasty weapons. Hours later, a shambling mechanical robot scarecrow lumbers out of the shed. A crow sitting on a nearby fence is vaporized with a laser~

Narrator: And why stop at crows, Golem?

~The robo-scarecrow clanks through the fields, belching fire and lasers and various varmints go scrambling out in droves~

Narrator: Foxes. Rabbits.

~We see Luiigii sitting in a field in tattered clothes, covered in chin whiskers, eating beans out of a can over a campfire~

Narrator: ...Hobos.

Luiigii:

~Golem, leaning on a fence, chugs an energy drink while in the distance, the robo-sentry destroys a hobo camp with missles, and the hobos flee the crops in terror. Chibi comes up out of the farmhouse, gives Golem a glass of iced tea and kisses him affectionately~

Narrator: Works like a farm, kicks like an OG. HARVEST GOERS! GET TO IT!

~Cut to inside of Church, as the congregation sings to what sounds like Gangsta Rap~

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for a farmer like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity

At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin cows,
Jebadiah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
And I've been milkin' and plowing so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
And if you finish all of my chores, and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999!

We've been spending most our lives
Living in a Harvest paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Livin' in a Harvest paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Livin' in a Harvest paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Livin' in a Harvest paradise

HARVEST GOERS '07: Ready Set Grow!

~Setting: Sunday morning. The whole village, more or less, fills the wooden pews inside the First Church of Harvest Goddess. The hymn ends and everyone takes their seats again. The Vicar resumes shaking the rafters with his sermon~

Vicar: And is it NOT written? "It is a sorry MAN who won't work to support himself?" It's no easy task, CLEARING your land, CULTIVATING your land. TILLING your land. TENDING to your crops, DAY in and DAY out. And then HARVESTING your crop. It's HARD WORK!

Chibi: *nodnod* It's so TRUE. It's nice to hear someone vindicate us! Isn't this nice, Golem?

Golem: Y'ssum.

Chibi: And over the Spring season, you've so adapted nicely to teh farming role.

~Camera cuts to Golem. He's dressed like the farmer in the American Gothic painting~

Noskin: Even being a non-farmer is hard, when you're the constable.

Thakrun: Or a viking dwarf!

EVIL Scientist Dude: Or a Mad Scientist!

Vicar: And that concludes my sermon for today. Let me also remind us all that Spring Month ends this week, which means it's time for our annual Spring Harvest Festival, which will feature contests of our finest crops, animals, anything ELSE you come up with...

~sends a glare at Director in the front pew~

Director: *snoooare*

Vicar: *grummle* ...as well as other games, socializing, the big dance, and all kinds of stuff like that there. So get out there, get that last Spring Harvesting done, and plan out what you're gonna do. Let's get ready to have a fun and SAFE Spring Festival! ADJOURNED!

Harvest Sprites: HOORAY FESTIVAL! *they go to the door but get trampled by all the larger humans charging for the door*

Luiigii: *steps down off the giant organ up above the alcove* And as the new avatar of the Harvest Goddess, I get to be extra important!

Vicar: Just don't do anything creepy, please.

Luiigii: I'm Harvest... Diety. I do what I want. *walks towards door and plans and grass sprout up through the floorboards wherever he walks*

Vicar: Ah well.

*looks politely over to the snoring Director, goes about tidying up, sweeping, and clashes two cymbals over his head loudly*

Director: What the, who the?

Vicar: PATROL TIME!

Director: Not again.....

Vicar: It's good for ya!

Director: fine.....

*Vicar pushes a button whooshing he and Director to their crime lab*

Director: I love doin that, it's like a roller coaster.

Vicar: Lets see what we got today........ Rebes officially freaked out still......... Jons visiting Marthas grave.......

Director: Whats that?!

Vicar: Wow, is that............... it is!

Director: A cow tipper!

*Director and Vicar suit up, and go to the cow tippers location*

Scarecrow: Freeze!

???: Wha happened?

Cow boy: You were about to tip that cow!

???: No, I was feeding it.

Cow boy: Golem?

Golem: Yeah.....

Scarecrow: Retreat!

*Scarecrow and Cowboy retreat back to Vicars crime lab*

Golem: That was weird........ hey Chibi!

Chibi: What honey?

Golem: What are we gonna grow for the big festival?

Chibi: I dunno, lets ask Luiigii!

*Luiigiis pizza farm*

Luiigii: Hello kids, do you want to grow something?

Chibi: How did you know?

Luiigii: I'm the harvest god! Godess, damnit.....

*At Luigi’s Pizza Farm*

Chibi: So, do you have any suggestions for what we should grow for the festival?

Luigi: Hmmm….well there are lots of options. Fruits, vegetables, herbs, flowers-you have lots of options.

Golem: Wait, there are only a few days until the festival. How will anything grow?

Luigi: Haven’t you been paying attention? All crops grow in under a week!

Golem: Oh…There are so many crops I never can keep track of how long it took.

Chibi: We wanted to try and grow something rare, so that way the people in the village can get to try something new! Also then we’ll be able to cultivate a new crop regularly next spring!

Golem: And we want to win the contest at the festival.

Luigi: Something rare? Well…there’s the Blue Mist Flower….but that grows in summer and fall-depending on what area you plant it in. As far as spring things go….Hmmm…Ah, yes! There’s a fruit called the Blue Mist Berry. It’s as rare as the flower, which is how it got the name. Supposedly it’s very tasty. I also heard it has some curative powers or something like that...

Chibi: Great! Do you have any seeds for it?

Luigi: No, I don’t keep seeds. Deiji might have some.
Ah Deiji…I miss her sweet smile….

*Chibi and Golem stare at Luigi*

I mean…tell her I say hi when you visit!

Golem: We will.

Chibi and Golem: Thanks!

*At Deiji’s flower shop*

Deiji: Hi, kids! What can I help you with today?

Chibi: We want some Blue Mist Berry seeds, please.

Deiji: Oooh they’re hard to grow. You sure you’re up to the challenge?

Golem: You bet!
Oh and Luigi says hi!

Deiji: Really? *blushes* That’s very kind of him. Thanks for relaying the message. If you see him again, please tell him hello back.

Golem: Sure thing!

*She rummages in the back of her shop*

Deiji: Here you kids go. These berries are tricky-they can’t get too much or too little sun and water. You’ll have to find a balance. They also need a lot of love.

Chibi: You can count on us! We’ll make this a happy crop!

Golem: Yeah!

*Meanwhile, at the jail*

???: Lemme out of here! I been in here for twenty ot years, and I aint done nothing but borrow a cup of sugar!

Fred: Aye, THAT YOU NEVER RETURNED!

???: *Grumbles*

Fred: Now then.....eat your supper...... Mr. Producer

*Now then, to Bill Doors house aka as Death*

Death: Get in thar!

Shade: I don't wanna get in the portal to the afterlife!

Death: grrrr....... I let you not go this long, IT'S TIME!

*Scarecrow and Cowboy burst in*

Scarecrow: BILL, WE HEARD A- woah......

Cowboy: Is..... is that Shade? But he's dead!

*Death kicks Shade in the portal*

Death: Oh its nothing...... that was my... uh......... toy action figure?

Scarecrow: Oh..... ok..... need anything else?

Death: Nope.

Cowboy: Oh......

*Cowboy goes to his bar, Scarecrow to his church. Right now lets follow Director aka as Cowboy*

Director: Ahhh, Nice to be home.

*Chibi and Golem come in*

Director: Hey kids, I told ya.

Golem: Told us what?

Director: That you were lovebirds.

*Chibi blushes*

Chibi: Yes well....... we'll have the usual.

Director: Rubbing alchohol?

Chibi: Noooooooooo Fruit juice.

Director: Right, now then, at the festival I'm gonna have a haunted house, would you kids like that? Its sorta like a haunted house murder mystery....

Chibi: Oh boy! We'd love that, right Golem?

Golem: Oh yeah, we would.......... we're gonna enter a rare berry, I'm not gonna tell you which though.

Director: Can't wait to see it.

*Now unto Rebes house where, yes she is still very depressed and scared*

Rebe: *sobbing*

*Luiigii knocks on her door*

Luiigii: Rebe? I'm sorry about.... you know....... your father misses you...

~Luiigii floats over to Director's bar as a dramatic musical score fills the air. He... er, she flicks her hand in the door's direction and it bursts open courtesy of a strong autumn breeze. Luiigii drifts inside and over to a barstool, then waits until a quartet of doves have set a pillow on top of it before sitting down. She snaps her fingers at Director.~

Luiigii: Hello, Cow Boy.

Director: Hello, Newman. I mean... Hello, murderer.

Luiigii: The usual pint, sinner.

~Director pulls out a glass, then ducks under the counter with it. He comes back up with a full glass and slides it over to Luiigii. Luiigii catches it and takes a sip.~

Luiigii: ~smacks her lips~ Hmm... iocane. I'd bet my life on it.

Director: ~gawks~ How did you taste that and HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!

Luiigii: Ha. You've tried to poison me six times this last week. I'm a god(dess). I've got immunities.

Director: Dammit... That iocane powder cost me the last of Scarlett's life insurance...

Luiigii: How fitting.

Director: ~slams his hands on the table~ God da--

~The door bursts open and Vicar McCloaker stares in at Director.~

Director: Err... godda... go! ~runs out the back~

~Vicar McCloaker sweeps in and starts tossing liquor bottles into a trash can. He glances over at Luiigii.~

Vicar: The creepy look works every time.

Luiigii: Oh.

~Luiigii finishes her drink and floats out to the Harvest Sprites' pond. Clink, Clank, and Clonk are there, planting flowers and singing.~

Harvest Sprites: Clink, Clank, Clink, Clank, Clink, Clank, CLONK! Weeeeeeee--

~Luiigii scoops them up in one hand and squeezes.~

Luiigii: Why aren't you working on MY farm?

Clink: We ~gasp~ thought you meant the entire ~wheeze~ countryside!

Clonk: It's ~wheeze~ kind of ALL your farm ~hack~ your goddessliness!

Luiigii: Yes but I also own the deed to one particular part. That makes me double owner of it, because I own it twice. And twice is how many times I own it. ~tosses the Sprites down~ Now get to work on it.

Clank: (I liked the old goddess better...)

~Luiigii makes a Piranha Plant sprout behind Clank. It grabs him in its mouth and starts chewing.~

Clank: OH ME OH MY THE EXCRUCIATING BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT FATAL PAIN! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

~Luiigii glares at Clink and Clonk, who are cowering away from her.~

Luiigii: Well? Go! He can catch up when the plant gets bored.

~Clink and Clonk run away. Luiigii starts humming to herself.~

Luiigii: There's a new Harvest Goddess in town! Live it, love it, and beg for more!

***

~The floor in the old lighthouse spins dramatically to turn into the Scarecrow's secret crime lab, complete with the Scarecrow and Cow Boy.~

Cow Boy: ~wistfully presses buttons~ Hey Ditto...

Scarecrow: It's the Scarecrow.

Cow Boy: Whatever. So how come I have to be the sidekick?

Scarecrow: It could be worse, Cow Boy. You could be ESD the Butler.

~As if on cue, EVIL Scientist Dude enters via elevator wearing a black suit and white gloves.~

ESD: Damn you, sir. ~throws a lab coat over his suit~ For the last time, I'm not your butler. I'm just the only person smart enough in this town to deduce your true identity AND make a giant "Vicar = Scarecrow" signal. And I'm not afraid to use it!

Scarecrow: Cut to the chase, you godless scientist.

ESD: As we all remember from the last OG, Kirby stole MY time-traveling DeLorean even though his name is probably on the title. Now, fortunately, he doesn't know that it can travel through time and being a law-abiding jerk he'll never go over 88 miles per hour, so we're safe in that department. Anyway, if we can get that DeLorean back we can save Luiigii in the past and he'll never become Martha/the Harvest Goddess. Probably.

Cow Boy: And Scarlett will live!

ESD: Maybe. Of course, infiltrating the NINE LEVELS OF HELL that Kirby has turned his government complex into is not a task for the common peasants of this town. I think we all know who we need to call on...

Cow Boy: Say no more! Scarecrow and I will--

ESD: No. I mean my good-for-nothing, stuck-in-the-dark-ages brother, Jon. As much as I hate to admit this, he MIGHT be qualified for this kind of thing...

Cow Boy: But isn't Jon evil?

Scarecrow: He wasn't always, Boy Wrangler. He and I once worked for the Harvest Goddess together... Scarecrow and the Dudemeister, the perfect team... ~sighs wistfully~ That good ol' nostalgic feeling...

ESD: Oh shut up and go find him already.

***

~A man steps into Nothing and rubs his slightly shaven chin. He drops his bags in a dramatic way and breathes in the air.~

Eightch Oerson: Ahh, the simple life. Where do I go to sign up for that farming program, now?

~Mayor Flutter walks up and slaps Eightch on the shoulder.~

Flutter: Luiigii! Finally stopped being a woman, eh?

Eightch: Luiigii? Woman? No, I'm--

Flutter: Listen. Remember how last month you were all ready to raise some Hell around here? Well buddy, I'm behind you 100% now. I received some "anonymous" "donations" from "Governor Kirby" if you "know" what "I" mean. ~"winks"~

Eightch: Um. How are they anonymous if you know who they're from?

Flutter: ~blinks~ I... don't... know... Anyway, what say you and me meet up at Director's bar at 8:00 tonight and LIGHT THIS PLACE ON FIYA! ~walks away singing "Burn Baby, Burn"~

Eightch: Wow. I've been here two minutes and I already made a friend. I think... ~picks up his bags and heads over to Rhykette's~

---

Side note: Eightch looks almost identical to Luiigii (pre-Harvest Goddess phase), though they are in no way related.

Chapter 2: Silence of the Sheep
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

~Scene: Nothing Prison. Cellblock C. Death Row~

Fred: *twirls keys on keyring* Okay, you got ten minutes, but be careful. He's manipulative.

Vicar: I've dealt with sinners before, Sheriff.

*Farmer Jon is brought around. He is strapped securely into a full-body restraint with a muzzle over the lower half of his face, a la Hannibal Lecter*

Jon: Hello, Clarice. *slurping noises*

Vicar: I'm not Clarice. It's me, my son, The VICAR.

Jon: You're apparently not... eating well. You're as thin as a... scarecrow. *looks at Director*

Vicar: He knows. I had to "farm out" a replacement.

Jon: I see by his right thumb and forefinger and the smell of camphor he's a bartender. Always with us sinners, eh, preacher? But I guess it's the lost sheep who mean the most to your God?

Vicar: Sometimes a life can get so screwed up and off-track that it appears that the only logical move would be extinction. But sometimes, a guardian angel intervenes who gives one a single chance to set things straight. I want you to think of me as... a guardian angel.

Jon: In other words, you need something.

Vicar: The timeline's taken a bizarre turning and we've decided the best remedy would be setting things straight at the source. Governor Kirby has a time machine, under heavy lock and key. It would take two of the best to get in and get it.

Jon: And newbie doesn't measure up?

Director: Hey!

Vicar: I might mention that in doing this, we will also have the chance to go back and reset a few things in your history. You get your whole life as a do-over. Or, if you choose not to, then, well, your execution is on schedule and I'm here as the Clergyman to escort you to the gas chamber. What'll it be?

Fred: *peeks into the room and twirls key* The chamber awaits.

Jon: I guess I accept, then.

Director: What if he betrays you, Scarecrow?

Vicar: *pokes out door* He accepts.

Fred: Then I'm authorized to let you out into the Vicar's custody for a period of 24 hours pending execution. *unlocks Farmer Jon's bonds*

~Later, Director and Vicar are in the secret crime lab~

Director: This is crazy! He's a psychopathic genius! What if he betrays you?

Vicar: *pulling on Scarecrow gloves and suit* Then he knows I'll just hunt him down again and bring him back for execution.

Evil Scientist Butler: *walks in* A criminal mastermind he may be, but Master Ditto can still run rings 'round him.

Director: He wasn't always evil, though?

Scarecrow: No, in the good old days, he was my apprentice, just like you. You're even wearing his old costume. The Martha incident, though, made him evil.

ESB: *coughs*

Scarecrow: It was, darnit. But all this goes back to Luiigii getting stuck in the past. If we can bring him back, everything that happened as a result will be erased and everything will go back to normal.

Director: How do we do it?

Scarecrow: No we. You're staying.

Director: Aww!

Scarecrow: The Harvest Festival is coming up very soon. *points at monitors showing Golem, Chibi, Helga, Thakrun, and SteveT* This is one of the most important times of year. They count on the festival, but it's also the most hectic. They need their protector. Especially if something happens to me.

Director: Yipes.

Scarecrow: Hence all the extra patrols. To get you into the neccessar pattern. Watch over Golem and Chibi, help all the citizens protect the stuff they'll enter into the contest, don't let Luiigii get too out of hand, and see if you can do anything for Rebe. You've got your hands full. Take care, chum.

Jon: *walks in wearing sinister black outfit* Just like old times. We ready?

~Farmer Jon and Scarecrow jump onto the Tractor and rumble out the door~

*Meanwhile in prison, an escape was about to occur*

Mr. Noskin: EAT YER DANG BEANS!

Producer: Why..... I.... have been here so long... I DID NOTHING!

*Breaks dish with beans*

Mr. Noskin: You borrow-

Producer: THATS A PHRASE DAMNIT!

Mr. Nosking: Im gonna let you simmer....

*Mr. Noskin leaves detention cell 24*

Producer: Where is my brother I wonder..... I have not seen him in at least 30 years.......

*Death floats through the door*

Death: I'm here about an execution?

Producer: They cancelled it.

Death: Damn.......

*Death pounds on the wall, it cracks.*

Death: What did I just do-

*The wall crumbles down*

Producer: FREEDOMMMMM!

*Producer runs out of the Prison and heads towards where his restaurant was, now Directors bar.*

Death: Damn.

*Fred and Mr. Noskin burst in*

Noskin: Whots all this then!

Fred: I knew we shoulda built new walls.......

*Cut to Directors bar, Producer is about to open the door...*

Director: Lonely night tonight, I wonder how Vicar and Jon are doing......

*Producer bursts in*

Producer: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY- little brother?

Director: Pro- Producer, is that you! I've been searching for you for twenty years!

Producer: Time for hellos later, the cops are on my trail!

Director: *shifty eyes* Follow me.....

*Director opens a secret passasgeway under the counter that leads to the crimelab*

Producer: Where are we???

Director: This is the Farmy's base.... and now you are in.

Producer: In what Director?

Director: *suits up* I'm not Director.... I'm Cowboy!

Producer: oh no-

Director: And you shall be known as........... Pig Rustler!

Producer: Really?

Cowboy: If you like.

*Producer suits up*

Pig Rustler: I think it suits me fine.

*Cut to Scarecrow and Farmer Jon*

Jon: Old days eh?

Scarecrow: Yes, we will get the time machine and stop Luiigii.

Jon: But what about the original time machine Luiigii used to get to the past?

Scarecrow: Tried it, it was broken, and Magic Mushrooms aren't available this time of year.

Jon: We're almost to Kirbys warehouse.........

*To Golem and Chibis farm*

Golem: Hows the berry plant going?

Chibi: Nicely, but it doesnt seem to be sprouting.....

*Luiigii appears*

Chibi: WOAH!

Luiigii: I am a god..ess, so I can warp wherever I want. Now I hear you are having trouble growing the berry in time for the Harvest Festival?

Golem: Yessir.......

Luiigii: Well then you need... A PLATINUM WATERING CAN.

Chibi: What?

Luiigii: If you take your watering can and dunk it in the well of the Harvest Godess, It will become Platinum. The well is deep in the forest.

*Deep in the forest where Golem and Chibi are searching for the well of the Harvest Goddess*

Golem: Shouldn’t we have found it by now? If we go any deeper into the forest we’ll be on the other side.

Chibi: I know it’s here somewhere! Clink, Clank, and Clonk’s cave was around it and they live in this general area that we’re in now!

Golem: Ok.

*They keep walking a bit more*

Chibi: Ooooh! There it is! *She runs up to the well and dips the watering can in*

Golem: That’ll make it a Platimun Watering Can?

*Chibi pulls it out which makes triumphant music play for a brief second*

Chibi: It worked!
I guess it must be all those minerals that seeped into the water from when you dumped them into the Goddess pond.

Golem: See, it was a good thing. :D

Chibi: Let’s head back and make our berry be the best crop ever!

Golem: Yeah!

*They start to walk back but on their way Chibi stops suddenly*

Chibi: I think….it is! Eep!
*She rushes over to the side of the path where Clink, Clank, and Clonk are lying on the ground*
Are you guys ok?!

Clink: So….sleepy…

Clonk: Ugh…

Clank: Luigi…I mean the Harvest Goddess….has us way overworked.

Clink: We just can’t do it.

Clonk: Usually we help one or two farms and the Harvest Goddess does the rest.

Chibi: We’ll have to find you some help!

Golem: Or get Luigi to just let them do what they did before.

Clank: Either way, sounds good to me!

Golem: Maybe Scarecrow and Cowboy could help? They’re always running around trying to fix things!

Chibi: Good idea! Let’s go!

*Chibi picks up the three Harvest Sprites & they all proceed into town*

~Elsewhere, something else is happening...

Scarecrow and Jon walk through the halls of the office building where Kirby does his governorish stuff. Jon is dressed in a nice blue suit while Scarecrow looks like a Scarecrow. They enter an elevator manned by a muscle-bound man in a blue suit. The doors close, and Scarecrow takes out a small gun, then shoots a dart into the man. The man falls unconscious in a matter of moments.~

Jon: What are in those things, anyway?

Scarecrow: Holy water. Avert your eyes while I change into this man's attire. Oh, and take us to floor B4, that's the underground garage.

Jon: ~standing at the panel of buttons while Scarecrow changes~ What?

Scarecrow: B4. Right under B3.

~The buttons only go down to B3. Jon presses his finger up against the space under the B3 button, and lo and behold, a B4 button appears. The elevator starts its trek downward.

But enough of that, there's much more important stuff going on than the retrieval of a device with the potential for extreme catastrophe!

Chibi and Golem arrive in Director's bar.~

Golem: Hey, Director.

Director: ~wiping a beer glass dry~ Hey, what'll it be?

Golem: Nothing, we were just wondering, have you seen Scarecrow around?

Director: No, I haven't. Sure I can't get you anything?

Chibi: No, we're okay. Thanks anyway!

Director: Wait, wait right there. I have a great drink you two have GOT to try!

Chibi, Golem: Uhh--

Director: It's alcohol-free! Just wait right there!

~The Director jumps down behind the counter and out of view of Chibi and Golem. Seconds later, and quite mysteriously, Cowboy and Pig Rustler leap up from behind the counter.~

Chibi: Cowboy! We need your help!

Cowboy: ~raising his eyebrow, tilting his head sideways~ Oh?

Chibi: Can you get Scarecrow to talk some sense into the Harvest Goddess? She's overworking the poor Harvest Sprites! ~holds up Clink, Clank, and Clonk, who are all downcast~

Cowboy: I'm afraid today is his day off, ma'am. But have no fear, the Rustler of Pigs and myself can handle the situation!

Chibi: Oh, thanks!

Cowboy: Just doing my job, ma'am.

~Cowboy leads everyone out of the bar and runs through the fields.~

Cowboy: Wait, where is the Harvest Goddess?

Golem: Hold up, Director said he wanted us to try a drink!

Chibi: This is more important! Plus, you know Director.

Golem: ...Yeah, good point.

Chibi: Anyway, where IS the goddess, guys? ~looks to the sprites~

Clonk: Probably on HIS farm...

Cowboy: Right. To the pizza farm!

Pig Rustler: Farmhands away!

Cowboy: What?

Pig Rustler: It's what we say when we go on a mission. Farmhands Away!

Cowboy: I like it.

~Cow Boy and Pig Rustler rush through a field of wheat and into the tomato rows, squashing them carelessly. Chibi and Golem follow with the Harvest Sprites, somewhat more careful. As Cow Boy and Pig Rustler enter the second field of wheat, stalks begin to tear themselves from the ground and circle them, creating an upside-down funnel. The point of the funnel coalesces until it has become the Harvest Goddess.~

Luiigii: My tomatoes!

Cow Boy: Luiigii, your reign of terror as our sovreign god is over!

Luiigii: That's no reason to squash my tomatoes!

Pig Rustler: Weren't you just going to make paste out of them anyway?

~Luiigii snaps her fingers and a tomato rockets off its stem and into Pig Rustler's mouth.~

Luiigii: No talking from you. Your diner was a joke.

Pig Rustler: :X

~Cow Boy takes out his lasso and throws it at Luiigii. Luiigii wills the hemp it was created from to grow, throwing off Cow Boy's aim. She grabs the rope as it flies past and crawls down it hand-over-hand.~

Luiigii: Thanks. I'm still getting the hang of reconnecting with gravity. ~punches Cow Boy~

~As Cow Boy staggers back, Pig Rustler lunges forward, picking up the rope and wrapping it around Luiigii's wrist. He runs behind her, pulling her arm behind her back. Luiigii twists delicately until she is facing Pig Rustler again, who punches her in turn.~

Pig Rustler: ~spits out the tomato...dramatically~ That's for my bro.

Luiigii: ~spits out sparkles or something~ Pah. You two are just second fiddle. Scarecrow had the sense to just stoke my ego and not attack me, at least. But if you wish to continue...

~Twenty giant, anthropomorphic, body-building anchovies burst out of the anchovy pond and rush Cow Boy and Pig Rustler.~

Cow Boy: Okay, twenty. That gives me fifteen and you five.

Pig Rustler: What's that supposed to mean?

Cow Boy: Well, you are clearly the sidekick here.

Pig Rustler: ~kicks Cow Boy in the side~ Like that?!

Cow Boy: AGH! You idiot! Superheroes always save their internal strife for AFTER they've beaten the goons!

Pig Rustler: Okay. Since you're injured, I'll take fifteen and you take five.

Cow Boy: RRGH!

~As Cow Boy and Pig Rustler go at it with the anchovies, Golem and Chibi walk up behind Luiigii.~

Chibi: We could ask him...her nicely to stop.

Golem: He spent the last twenty years senselessly murdering the people of this town just to keep himself away and failed. I don't think so.

Chibi: But she's also the Harvest Goddess. Which means she has to react to friendship (and love) and maybe obey us hopefully.

Golem: Well...

Chibi: What I'm saying is... ~grabs Golem and kisses him~

Luiigii: ~notices~ Aw crap...

*After kissing Golem, Chibi lets him go & blushes*

Golem: *blushes*

Cow Boy: Yeah! Whoo!!

*Pig Rustler & the Anchovies come to a halt*

Luigi: Arrgghhh…..no…losing….will….stay down!…nooo…

* the Harvest Goddess pops up as Luigi’s main consciousness*

Harvest Goddess: Ah freedom! *Looks at how she’s still in Luigi’s body* Sort of…
*She looks at the fight scene* Oh goodness, what’s happened here?! *She transforms the Anchovies back into their fishy form and places them back into the pond* Imagine using such beautiful creatures for violence. Humph!
*She looks at Golem and Chibi* Ah, but I see that there is still friendship and love in this town. Whatever may I help you with my dear children?

Chibi: You have to help Clink, Clank, and Clonk! Luigi’s overworking them!

Clink: Yeah! It’s too much for us to handle!

Clonk: Haven’t you seen any of it?

Harvest Goddess: I’m afraid not. Luigi fights me from coming to the surface so to speak so often that I simply found it easier to just sleep. And you know the only thing that wakes me up is friendship.

Clank: Oh. Right. Well isn’t there anything you can do?

Harvest Goddess: Oh my, that is awful. But I’m afraid Luigi controls most of my powers at the moment that would be able to help solve your problem completely. Although…*She twirls her hand around and a cloud of sparkles appears. When the cloud settles there are several glittery mushrooms in her hand* Here, take these and give them to the magical creatures that are on the land but know nothing about farming. These mushrooms will instill in them the knowledge you have of farming, and if they choose to they will be able to help you.

Clonk: Well, it’s something.

Clink: Thank you! *He goes & hugs the Harvest Goddess*

Luigi’s Consciousness from underneath the Harvest Goddess: Alright, that’s it! Too much love going on here. I’m coming back out! You hear me!

Harvest Goddess: If only he’d put as much effort into stopping himself in the past as he does fighting to keep himself the dominant consciousness... Anyway, Chibi and Golem, I have a request of you two.

Chibi and Golem: Yes?

Harvest Goddess: I can sense you’re working on growing the Blue Mist Berry. When it’s harvested, please try and get Luigi to eat it. A berry that powerful and grown with love may change his mind and in such a case will be beneficial to the magical creatures. And it may have some other effects too….

Chibi: Ok!

Golem: We’ll be sure to do that!

Luigi: Ugh…enough with the sappy stuff! *His consciousness works to overpower the Harvest Goddess again* Arrgh!
Aha! I’m back.
*He/now she looks at the Harvest Sprites* Get to work!

*The Harvest sprites scurry off with the mushrooms and Chibi and Golem follow them*

Now where were we….*she turns to Cow Boy and Pig Rustler* Ah yes….

Luiigii: If you ever fight me again I will seriously consider killing you.

Cowboy: *glares*

Pig Rustler: We can take you-

Cowboy: Its...... over..... come on.

*Cowboy and Pig Rustler leave to the Farmies crime lab.... MEANWHILE Scarecrow and Jon have just arrived on floor B4 to find several guards patrololing around the area*

Scarecrow: Jon, you distract them, I will procure the time machine and pick you up.

Jon: Sounds like a plan..... I wish I hadnt come.... here goes nothing.

*Jon walks out of the shadows*

Guard: HALT intruder! This is general Kirby's storage area, you are not permitted to-

Jon: I am here............... for a fight!

Guard: We have no time fighting.

Jon: Figures, weakling.

Guard: WHAT!

*Ok, to Directors bar to keep the suspense alive*

Flutter: So Helga, Rhykette, and I went fishing for a week.

Director: That explains your scarcity.......... so yeah, Harvest Festival coming up!

Flutter: Yeah, I know, exciting eh?

Director: You know it.

Flutter: Decided what you're entering into the competition for Best Product?

Director: Oh ho ho ho, yes I do, sir. Take a look at thi...

~Director gives the shifty eyes back and forth, reaches under his counter, and pulls out a little brown jug with X's written all around it~

Director: BEHOLD! *puts clothespin over his nose, holds the jug away and pulls out the cork. The fumes that come out cause the wallpaper to peel*

Flutter: *eyes water* My God, man, what IS that?

Director: My super secret ultra-alcoholic beverage. I don't have a name for it yet. I've been working for months to create the ultimate drink. I may have succeeded, at the expense of the laws of nature. Have a sip.

*he pours some into a shot glass. A drop spills over the side and burns a hole in the wood with a hiss and puff of smoke*

Flutter: Er, I dunno if I oughtta... well okay. *takes a swig and smacks his lips* Hmm... I dunno man, it tastes like water. Kind of anticlimactic after all that suspen-

~Suddenly there's a sound like a thunderclap and the whole world goes wavy and blurry. Flutter's legs turn to jelly and he clings to the edge of the bar for support~

Flutter: WHOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo. HoLy GeEzE. Thatsssh shome good schtuff. WoW wHaTs In It?

Director: Lemme show ya my process.

~Director pulls a blue bottle on his shelf which acts like a lever. A (second!) secret panel opens behind his bar and he leads Flutter inside. Inside is a giant bathtub with a stirring oar, and a steaming, old-timey still~

Director: It's made from fermented Drunkenberry, the most potent berry in existence, then distilled, and redistilled, then redistilled again. It's 110% proof. It's sure to win a prize at the Festival.

Flutter: I'lL sAy. SeT mE uP. ~slams down shot glass~

Director: I dunno if that's safe. I haven't tested it in any larger doses yet.

~Director gestures over to a guinea pig in a box. It's got six days stubble, loosened shirt and tie, gut, bald head, and a surly expression. It groans dismally and begins muttering about it's job and life~

Elsewhere

Thakrun: Well, Jailer Fred, have you and Noskin decided what the local prison's going to enter into the Festival?

Fred: Yup! We've been growing a prize-winning... PRISONER!

Noskin: Come on, Kowalski. *he brings in a gigantic, musclebound prisoner in stripey prisoner clothes*

Fred: Needs more fertilizer.

*We now return you to Jon, apparently he has defeated the guards with minimal effort*

Jon: Ah, the old reverse palm to the back of the Femoral artery trick, gets em every time.

*Jon turns on a radio, he begins to speak with Scarecrow*

Jon: I've cleared out Kirby's guards, you can retrieve me.

Scarecrow: Roger that.

*Scarecrow approaches the DeLorean and is about to turn it on when....*

???: Hwayahshoi!

Scarecrow: *dodges* Ha, it seeems you arent very skilled at martial arts.

Kirby: QUIET YOU WASHED UP HAG! THE FARMY IS ALL BUT DEAD! WE HAVE ALREADY PREPARED THE BULLDOZERS!

Scarecrow: Bulldozers, not likely.

Kirby: what? WHAT!

Scarecrow: FOOLED YA

Kirby:......... huh?

*scarecrow hops in the DeLorean and drives off*

Kirby: SCAREEEE CROOOOW..... GUARDS! you now what to do.

Guards: Yes bawss

*The guards attempt to chase down Scarecrow, but they are too slow, so Scarecrow escapes and retrieves Jon*

Jon: Good Show...... for an old hack.

Scarecrow: Quiet you

*Meanwhile Eightch is talking with Flutter at Directors bar, at the meeting time*

Flutter: So Luiigii-

Eightch: Im not Luiigii, I'm Eightch.

Flutter: I didn't know you had ANOTHER sex change, back to woman.

Eightch: WHAT THE-

Flutter: Anyways, Kirby gave me a donation...l.. and put a magical chip in my head. so I guess the malls going up.

*Director delivers Flutter a special drink*

Director: On the house.

Flutter: THANKS PAL!

*drinks this nano tech destroying drink, which destroys Flutters brain chip, Flutter is no longer being mind controlled by Kirby.*

Flutter: Wha happened?

Director: You were telling Eightch and I about what you're growing for the Harvest festival.

Flutter: OH YEAH! I'm growing a Venus Fly trap..... HUGE ONE!

*We now return to Golem and Chibi, who have continued to grow the berry from before*

Chibi: This Platinum watering can really works!

Golem: Yeah really!

*At Chibi and Golem’s Farm*

Chibi: It’s amazing how much better the berry is growing! It’s definitely happy now!

Golem: Yeah!

*The Harvest Sprites come running up to them*

Clank: Pant….wheezee…Ok we’ve done our work for Luigi for the day. Can you help us get the other magical creatures to eat these mushrooms?

Chibi and Golem: Sure!

Clank: Ah thank you! I’m not sure how much longer we can take doing all this work alone!

Clink: Let’s go!

*As they’re walking along and giving mushrooms to all the magical creatures in sight, they notice a very large plant with teeth in Flutter’s backyard*

Clink: Wow! What’s that?!

Chibi: I think it’s a Venus Fly Trap….I had no idea they grew around here!

Clink: Cool! Hi Mr. Venus Fly Trap! *He waves at it and the plant gives him a creepy grin*
Ahhhh! *He runs behind Chibi*

Clonk: I’ve never seen such a strange plant before…Hmmm. It could be dangerous-everyone be careful.

Golem: * pokes the plant with a stick* Seems harmless enough to me.
*The plant growls at Golem* Err….maybe not.

Clank: Perhaps it’s a new type of magical creature. New ones from other areas driven out by construction like we almost were keep coming into our forest. This could be one of them.

Chibi: I think it’s just a plant though. See, it’s not in the book of magical creatures. *She pulls out the book on Magical Creatures and flips through it*

Golem: You still have that? And carry it around everywhere?

Chibi: Yes. It’s useful!

Golem: Ah ok then. Hmmm….well it may be some sort of creature. Let’s give it a mushroom anyway. It’ll be more help for the Harvest Sprites!

Clonk: Sounds good. *He tosses a mushroom into the plant’s huge spiked mouth. The mouth snaps shut.*

Harvest Sprites: Eep!! *They all run behind Golem and Chibi and cling to their legs in fear*

Chibi: It’s ok. He’s not going to hurt you. Now let’s go continue to distribute these mushrooms!

Harvest Sprites: Yeah!

*As they all walk off the Venus Fly Trap starts to move slightly…*