OoC: Sorry about the every-other-post, but I was ordered to do so.
Also sorry if this seems a bit quick. It was supposed to be three posts, but it was easier to fit them into one.
Straw Man: Luigi sits at a computer, diligently doing my bidding.
Rebe: You're going to be late.
Luigi: For what?
Rebe: For the party. Straw Man's honoring your stay as Emperor.
Luigi: That's next week. And only if I find Santa CLAWS.
Rebe: It's tonight. I wrote it on the calender.
Luigi: ~looks at calender~ Next week.
Straw Man: Rebe remembers that the party is next week, and the calender says so.
Rebe: Huh. Waste of a dress up. ~looks at computer~ Why'd he ask you to find Santa CLAWS? You're just an official.
Luigi: Because he knows I built him.
Rebe: ~raises eyebrow~
Luigi: Long time ago. He's a robot. I was trying to build a big crow for... whatever reason. Doesn't come to mind at the moment. But he ended up looking like an ape instead. With green fur. I named him Pablo. But Dad didn't like how he looked, so we sold him to some old scientist. ~looks at computer~ Tracing code is still active... There. He's just entered Las Pajas over in British America. How soon can we get there?
Rebe: You mean now? What about the-- wait, nevermind. An hour, I guess, if we take the warp pipe.
Luigi: Let's get this over with, then.
Straw Man: Luigi and Rebe make their way through Las Pajas, hunting the elusive Santa CLAWS.
Luigi: When we find him, I may be able to talk him down. Don't shoot until I say so.
Rebe: Is he really so big that we need anti-tank missiles?
Straw Man: A shingle falls off of a nearby roof. Luigi and Rebe look up and see a giant silhouette examining a chimney.
Rebe: I see what you mean.
Straw Man: Luigi pulls his arms into his sleeves and releases his wings, then flies up to the roof.
Santa CLAWS: Hnn...
Luigi: Pablo, it's me.
Santa CLAWS: Another one of Santa's harpies, I take it. Didn't he warn you what happened to the last five?
Luigi: I'm working for Straw Man, actually. He's not too happy either.
Santa CLAWS: About what? I'm doing the world a favor here, putting an end to Christmas. Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to have a non-holiday once?
Luigi: Honestly, no.
Santa CLAWS: Of course, you can afford it, you big snot. Yes, I remember you. I'm not Pablo anymore, though. EVIL Scientist Dude calls me GRIN-CHEE.
Santa CLAWS: Can't blame him for weird parents.
Luigi: Pablo, you have to stop.
Santa CLAWS: Or what?
Luigi: ~signals to Rebe~ Or I'll st--
Straw Man: Santa CLAWS grabs Luigi by the front of his robe and throws him into a big neon sign some ways away. Rebe fires a pair of anti-tank missiles, but Santa CLAWS uses eye lasers to explode them before they can reach him. He jumps down in front of Rebe and slaps the launcher from her hands.
Rebe: Stop, CLAWS. I don't want to hurt you.
Santa CLAWS: ~grabs Rebe in one hand, pinning her arms to her sides~ How?
Rebe: I hadn't thought that far yet...
Santa CLAWS: Didn't think so. ~knocks Rebe out~
Luigi: Stop. ~staggers up to Santa CLAWS~ Put her down.
Santa CLAWS: I don't think so. We love having hostages in the Christmas Resistance Movement. She'll be perfect. Just wait 'til you see what we do to her.
Luigi: ~draws a sword~ You'll have to kill me first, you know.
Santa CLAWS: ~puts Rebe down~ Wouldn't be the same otherwise.
Straw Man: Santa CLAWS charges at Luigi, firing lasers. Luigi reflects them away, running forward as well. At the last second, Luigi shoves his sword into the ground, vaults over Santa CLAWS, and wraps his arms around the ape's neck.
Santa CLAWS: Wanna go for a ride, eh? Your wife shouldn't see this anyway.
Straw Man: Santa CLAWS takes a mighty leap and lands in front of an unfinished skyscraper. He reaches back, grabs Luigi, and throws him into the ground.
Santa CLAWS: You should know better. Holding a robot's throat shut is pointless when robots don't breathe.
Luigi: Who says... ~wheeze~ I was doing that?
Straw Man: Nothing happens.
Santa CLAWS: Man, EVIL Scientist Dude removed my self-destruct programs years ago.
Luigi: ~wince~ Guess I've only got one choice...
Straw Man: Luigi rolls away and grabs the anti-tank missile launcher. He turns to Santa CLAWS and fires five rounds. Santa CLAWS watches as they fly past his face.
Santa CLAWS: Damn, man. I didn't even need to use my eye lasers.
Luigi: Wouldn't have helped you anyway.
Santa CLAWS: Eh?
Straw Man: Santa CLAWS turns and watches the missiles explode against the skyscraper, which proceeds to creak ominously.
Santa CLAWS: Aw crap.
Straw Man: Rebe wakes up oh so conveniently.
Luigi: Buona notte.
Straw Man: Then the skyscraper falls, killing two birds with one stone. AND I don't have to throw that party now.
Straw Man: Rebe runs toward the wreckage, screaming. ~giggles~ Though there is no hope.
Rebe: No! NO! You're not dead! You can't be! ~digs through the wreckage~ YOU CAN'T BE!
Straw Man: Rebe throws a final rock aside and is frozen in place as she looks down at Luigi's broken body.
Luigi: Did I get him?
Rebe: Yeah... ~looks over at one of Santa CLAWS's hands, sticking up from the wreckage but limp~ You got him.
Luigi: I guess... this is it for the Caesers, then. Hope Cobalt's ready when he comes home...
Rebe: It's not over. My tears can heal you. You'll be okay. ~wipes her eyes and rubs the tears on Luigi's cheeks~
Luigi: I'm sorry. Time to say... goodbye...
Rebe: ~sob~ NO! ~rubs tears faster~ It's not too late! It's not!
Luigi: There is... another... Skyyyyyyy...wal...ker...
Straw Man: And then Luigi dies. (Think I'll kill off Yami Yoshi next. Or maybe Mario Jr.) Rebe holds Luigi's body and cries like a baby as my helicopters start to arrive, perfectly timed to be too late.
~Santa CLAWS's fingers wiggle a bit.~
Straw Man: No they don't.
~Santa CLAWS closes his hand into a fist and slowly pulls it back into the wreckage.~
Straw Man: RRRGH!
~Three days later, in French Canada~
Straw Man: I do not support this following scene whatsoever. It goes against all truth and obviously never happened, so I refuse to narrate it.
~A woman sits in a small cottage in a forest, enjoying her time away from being a bag lady. Marrying a successful plumber and having her son marry an Emperor's daughter had it's perks. As she closes her eyes and enjoys the quiet, the phone rings.~
Sapphire: ~sigh~ Hello.
Rebe: Mrs. Venn?
Rebe: This is Rebe Jade Caesar. Um, our children are married, but I don't think we've actually had the time to meet.
Rebe: I could use your help. Cobalt, what little I met of him before we had to send him and Ashley away, he said you would've made an excellent ruler if you had been born the part.
Sapphire: Perhaps. How could a lowly bag lady help you, though?
Rebe: Because Emperor Lugius just died, our children are missing, Straw Man REALLY doesn't like me... ~voice cracks~ A-and I don't know the first thing about being an Empress.