~Bells jingle as snowflakes fall from the sky. As they fall, they form into words.~

Gamehiker Member OG Holiday Special:
Merry Christmas, Straw Man!

~SteveT’s home~

Straw Man: Does everybody know what day it is?

Liger: Taco night

Straw Man: No, Monday’s taco night

SteveT: ~Eating a Taco~ Then it’s Monday

Straw Man: No, that’s a bowl of Raisin Bran. Come on, serious guesses

Liger: Ummm…Tuesday?

Straw Man: You all forgot…I can’t believe it. I guess I’m not getting any presents then…

SteveT: Oh! Your birthday!

Straw Man: Well, that too, but no! [accent=cockney]Why, it’s Christmas Day![/accent]

SteveT: No. Shut up. Just…shut up.

Straw Man [merrily]: That’s not Yuletime cheer, my baroque companion…

Liger: Steve, what’s the plan?

Steve: Just act like it’s his birthday, but with elves.

Liger: In July?

Straw Man: Who said anything about July? Christmas is in December. Everyone knows that.

Liger: And it’s July.

Straw Man: Says the guy who thinks it’s Monday.

SteveT: ~Throws a taco at Straw Man~ Look! Taco! Monday!

Straw Man: Monday is pizza night.

~Liger tackles Straw Man and they roll around in a big dust-cloud, until suddenly the doorbell rings~

Straw Man: Santa!

SteveT: ~opens the door~ Hello.

Straw Man: Santa!

UPS guy: Package for Straw Man.

Straw Man: ~Jumps up and down, singing Christmas carols~

SteveT: Yeah, I’m his roommate. I’ll sign for it.

Straw Man: ~Keeps jumping and singing~

Liger: ~Tackles Straw Man~

~When the dust cloud drifts away, Straw Man is opening his Christimas present~

Straw Man: A cheesecake? Why would Santa bring me a cheesecake?

SteveT: Because it’s not Christmas, that was the UPS guy, and the tag says it’s from a bunch of numbers…

Straw Man: No, because I was a good boy this year. ~Takes a bite~

Liger: How is it?

Straw Man: My Christmas cookies? They’re great. Now then, I wonder if there are any Christmas festivities we could ruin…

~Golem’s House~

Golem: You know what would be fun? A Christmas in July Party!

~In a nearby alley, a man walks alone. Life has not been good to him ever since he squandered his paycheck on Star Wars novels. Suddenly, he stops, clutching his forehead.~

Luigi: I sense…a disturbance. Reality has been altered.

~Luigi of the Pipes vanishes from the alley, and after a fancy camera-moving sequence panning over the whole world, we find him asleep under a pine tree~

Vorpal: It’s so rude of Luigi to take a nap in the middle of Golem’s living room.

Masamune: Good party, though. Christmas in July has never been better.

GORE: Who said anything about July?

Masamune: Well, there’s the heat, the humidity, the lack of anything remotely winterish.

~It starts snowing~

GORE: It’s December.

Ashley: No, that’s impossible. Last night Masamune and I went to see the Only In July Something-or-Other Show.

GORE: You’re just making that up to make your boyfriend look sane.

Masa: You know, now that I think about it, I think I just forgot a few months. Tell Dodo to fire my calendar.

GORE: You mean your day planner?

Masa: That one’s a pun, so…yes. Fire my day planner.

OoC: Same post, only you can write your own characters in. Bums.

---

SteveT: ~notices snow outside and that the calender has changed~ That's no ordinary cheesecake...

Straw Man: It's my Christmascake from Santa himself! I'm the luckiest boy alive!

SteveT: Give me the cheesecake, Straw Man.

Straw Man: No! It's mine! My precious!

SteveT: ~grabs his axe~ That cheesecake is my ticket to first-rate villainy.

Straw Man: Noooo! ~runs~

~SteveT chases Straw Man through the abode.~

Straw Man: He's... catching up! I need... no help.

~One, Two, and Three appear in chibi-form.~

Straw Man: Yes! Carry me! ~throws the cheesecake to them~

One: Who's idea was it to give this to him?

Two: ~coughs~

Three: You can't run, Straw Man! You'll have to eat the whole cheesecake!

Straw Man: CHRISTMASCAKE!

One: Down the hatch!

~The gods throw the cheesecake down Straw Man's throat, who swallows it in one gulp. Tears stream down his eyes.~

Straw Man: De-li-cious!

SteveT: No!

***

Masamune: Waitaminute. No. No, I'm right! I'm tellin' ye. It was July just a minute ago.

Vorpal: Oh Masa, you always say stuff like this. You just can't get your timelines straight.

Masamune: Timeline-s?

Vorpal: Yeah...

Luigi: Hey, guys...

~The scene burns away into white.~

***

~Straw Man, well dressed, overlooks a field of snow.~

Straw Man: Christmas... every day... just as it should be.

~A small scarecrow walks up, tugging at his pants and pointing into the field.~

Straw Man Jr.: Dad! Dad! Hey! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Hey! Dad! Da--

Straw Man: Augh! What?

Straw Man Jr.: I made a snowman. ~eyes glow creepily~ In July.

***

~Luigi--err, Emperor Lugius Caesar XIII walks through the halls of his great palace in Rome, dressed in purple and green, occasionally stroking his beak with his hand. He's not actually going anywhere, just walking around.~

Rebe: Luigi, dear. Are you troubled? Has the snow brought any colds to you?

Luigi: No. Just enjoying what I have. It feels like I'm seeing it for the first time...

~Meanwhile, in Missileville, one of the British American Colonies~

Masamune: *gets up* Ugh... what happened.

Cop: Wake up you. *kicks him* You can't be sleeping in the streets like this. Especially with this cold weather.

Masamune: *looks at the cop. He's mostly human, except he has feathers instead of hair and has a beak in place of a mouth* What the hell are you?

Cop: A police man. Now come on.

Masamune: But you're... a umm... bird... person....

Cop: No need to use derogatory language here, mate. After all, you're just a human and that kind of talk will get you in trouble.

Masamune: Where am I?

Cop: Missileville.

Masamune: Where's that?

Cop: In British America, idiot. Now come with me, mister.

Masamune: Wait! British America!? But but... *sees a car go by* I didn't time travel... hey! It's me, Masamune. World famous pirate, roam the sky in a giant flying airship. Everyone's heard of me.

Cop: You're bloody crazy. Now come with me.

Masamune: No! *punches him and runs*

Cop: Get back here you!

Masamune: Not until I figure out what's going on! *whips around an alley and escapes the cop*

~In front of the snow man~

Straw Man: Well done, son. Does it talk?

Straw Man Jr: Why shouldn’t it?

Straw Man: That’s the sprit…and the snow man began to talk

Snow Man: Why hello. Jolly good day, eh?

Straw Man: And to think of all the effort it took to bring SteveT to life.

Straw Man Jr: But SteveT started off inanimate, unlike Snow Man, who was always alive.

Straw Man: Good point.

Snow Man: ~sniff~ Daddy…I miss him so…

Straw Man: You two stay here and play in the snow or something. I’m currently in the living room.

~Straw Man appears in the living room, where he has been this whole time. Straw Man Jr and Snow Man are still outside, obviously.~

SteveT: Oh, there you are, minion. Now, about throwing up that cheesecake…~prepares to punch Straw Man in the stomach~

Straw Man: Your fist just barely misses.

~It does~

SteveT: It’s never done that before…

Straw Man: Now then, minion. I need you to fetch King Russel and Queen Sheryl from Missileville. Tell them that Emperor Straw Man needs to talk to them.

SteveT: I don’t think I want to, minion

Straw Man: I don’t care if you want to. We all know TeevC won the fight for dominate personality.

TeevC: How ‘bout a hug, best buddy?

Straw Man: Much better

~In the streets~

Masamune: ~picks up a paper from a trash can~ Geez, it seems like all these bird people care about are changing technology, the rising cost of college, and the search for cheaper, more efficient energy sources.

~Masamune sits down and reads the paper. Then he folds the paper into a little boat and starts playing pirate captain with it. After a while, a nervous-looking man wearing a tweed jacket and carrying a plastic bag appears.~

Shadowy Figure: Hello…or should I say “ahoy”?

Masamune: Hello’s fine, thanks.

Shadowy Figure: Oh good. Hello.

Masamune: I think we’re past that part already.

Shadowy Figure: Yes, of course. It’s nice to see someone without a beak for once.

Masamune: How did you know I was a pirate?

Shadowy Figure: The hat and eyepatch kind of gave it a way. It’s not like I’m completely aware that you’re from another reality and have been watching you since you got here or anything. And it’s even less like I’m a formerly-omniscient being who just recently found himself out of a job and suffering amnesia.

Masamune: Well, obviously…

Shadowy Figure: Well then, I think that’s pretty much all I had to say. Umm…bye.

Masamune: Wait!

Shadowy Figure: No time, no time.

Masamune: At least tell me your name

Shadowy Figure: Robert Stack, as I recall. Anyway, I think I heard someone drop a soda can down the street, and I really would enjoy eating dinner tonight. So umm…

Masamune: Good luck with that. ~Tosses Robert Stack a nickle~

Robert Stack: I’m afraid this doesn’t count as money anymore. Terribly sorry.

Masamune: What is it then?

Robert Stack: A bag of nachos.

~With that, the former narrator stepped back into the shadows, eating the nachos.~

Masamune: Hey...

Straw Man: Masamune doesn't run into the shadows because he's not even supposed to be al--

Masamune: Sod you. ~runs into the shadows~

Robert Stack: Oh. Did you need something?

Masamune: You just turned a nickel into a bag of nachos.

Robert Stack: What nickel?

Masamune: Uh, right. ~holds up a piece of paper~ Could you turn this into a nickel?

Robert Stack: What are you talking about? That IS a nickel.

Masamune: No it's... ~looks at the nickel in his hands~ Oh. How about a million dollars?

Robert Stack: Don't push it.

Masamune: Yes. With that kind of power, one could take over the world!

Robert Stack: You're not into world domination in this timeline. I think. Of course, I can't remember. Timelines, what?

Masamune: Ah, right... You can still help me find out why most of the humans evolved into birds or whatever.

Robert Stack: I might as well.

Masamune: And I could, I dunno, help you get your memory back.

Robert Stack: If you insist.

Straw Man: They stand there forever and do nothing to disrupt me.

Masamune: Well, where do we start?

Straw Man: HEY! LISTEN YOU--

Robert Stack: By reading the newspaper, of course.

Masamune: I already did that.

Robert Stack: Read it again.

Masamune: ~sighs and unfolds his newspaper boat~ Let's see... It's all the same.

Robert Stack: Oh.

Masamune: Waitaminute... This is the "House of Straw Star"! What's this House of Straw?

Robert Stack: Search me.

Masamune: And here's a picture of this House of Straw. Some guy named Straw Man...

Straw Man: Masamune doesn't figure anything out, because he's never heard that name before.

Masamune: I've never heard that name before.

Straw Man: FINALLY!

Masamune: But I know someone who will have! Let's go!

Straw Man: Author 9 writes a post and isn't completely sure if the person in Masamune's statement should be easily realized by fellow authors. ...Or Author 9 WOULD, if Straw Man wasn't writing the story.

~Masamune runs forward through the narrow alleys. Stack follows.~

Stack: Where are you going?

~Before Masamune can answer, a crow person runs out of an adjacent alley, smacking into Masamune and tackling him. As Masamune gets up and starts off again, the crow gets up, readjusts his cool shades, and unsheathes his sword. Stack brushes by the crow with an "excuse me."~

Crow Man: GET BACK HERE! NO ONE DISRUPTS THE PATH OF THE 64TH VORPAL AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

~In the alley that Vorpal came from, a stocky human man with black hair in a bowl haircut is running slowly, then stops when he reaches the supposed Vorpal.~

Crow Vorpal: Aha, Dodo, my faithful minion! Take care of them! ~points to Masamune and Stack~

~Masamune stops upon hearing Dodo's name and looks back. Stack almost crashes into Masamune because Stack was tailgating and you always leave AT LEAST three seconds between you and the person in front of you. Masamune, looking back, sees the stocky man huffing and puffing as he strides from one foot to the other in a most clunky manner.~

Masamune: ...Dodo?

Dodo: I'm on my way.

Masamune: So, it affected you too... Do you have any idea what the bounds are on who is affected by this alternate reality, Rob? Stack? Narratoh?

Narrator: It's "Stack," and the only similarity I can figure is that we're both dead, or at least without real bodies.

~Dodo reaches Masamune and puts his hands on his knees, catching his breath.~

Masamune: Dodo, who is "Straw Man"?

Dodo: He--

~Straw Man hesitates a moment.~

Dodo: --he runs the local plumbing business, "Venn's Plumbing Business." It's on this block.

Vorpal: Now finish him off, Dodo!

~A crow man leaps from atop a building and tackles Vorpal. This new man looks suspiciously llike a human, with tufts of feathers on the side of his head like ears, and bumps near the bottom of the top half of his beak that resemble nostrils, making the beak resemble a human nose. Also, ropes are bound around his wings at three points on each arm, clumping the feathers together and making them seem like furry arms.~

New Crow: Escape now, fellow simians! Lord Kantii of the Apes will keep this evil crow down!

~Masamune and Stack run and search the blook.~

Stack: Three characters introduced in one post? In my day ~mumblegrumble~

~Soon they see the sign for Venn's Plumbing Business and enter. Inside everything is plain white, and there is no furniture (no chairs, desks, anything). Inside is a tall, skinny crow man in a suit and tie with a nametag reading "Living Stone: Mr. Venn." A strange pen covered in rubber bands is in the breast pocket of his shirt. He walks up to Masamune.~

Mr. Venn: How may I be of help to you today?

Masamune: We're here for Straw Man.

~Straw Man hesitates again. Vorpal throws himself at the door from the outside, creating an action-packed entrance as he enters.~

Mr. Venn: Mr. Vorpal! ~sweats nervously~ Has our prescense randomly upset you again? If so, we are prepared to accomodate your every whim!!

Vorpal: I'm here for the pirate!

Mr. Venn: What you want is what you get, as always! ~ehehehe~

~Outside, a bunch of teen crow girls are excitedly talking to one another about Vorpal as they watch him.~

Masamune: Stand back, I can take care of this buzzard.

Vorpal: Tough words for a elf!

Masamune: Man, that's just uncalled for. The pointy ears are part of the curse-

Stack: What pointy ears?

Masamune: Um... *touches ears* They're round.

Vorpal: Yeah, like all other humans.

Masamune: *reaches to side* Wait... where's my sword?

Stack: You had a sword?

Masamune: *rubs chin* O_O I have a beard.

Stack: And he thinks I'm crazy...

Straw Man: Masamune stopped caring and got beaten by Vorpal.

Masamune: The curse! It's gone! I'm aging again...

Straw Man: And then he got defeated.

Masamune: One second, Mr. Vorpal. *grabs Stack and runs back into the store* Yougottahidemequick.

Mr. Venn: *nervous laughter* I can't... I can't, um, no. I can't do that. Mr Vorpal will get upset and umm, I really hate confrontation.

Masamune: Great, this is just great. I can't fight Vorpal!

Stack: Why?

Masamune: Why? WHY? Because I can DIE!? Do you know what that's like?

Mr. Venn: Um.

Masamune: Nevermind that. Is there a back door?

Mr. Venn: No...

~Vorpal marches in~

Vorpal: That's enough! Give it up, pirate.

Masamune: ... okay.

~suddenly a woman drops down. She's dressed in a sea green outfit with the loose pants and a matching top. She also has a red bandana and long brown hair. She also, frustratingly, has a beak. I could save time by comparing her to Captain Syrup, but I won't~

Woman: Stop right there!

Masamune: Ashley?

Mr. Venn: Oh my, Princess Ashley?

Masamune: Princess?

Vorpal: Stay out of this!

Ashley: I'm afraid I can't do that.

Vorpal: *unsheaths sword* So be it!

Ashley: I'd love to stayand chat, but I have a ride to catch.

~just outside the door, a huge sail ship flies over and lowers a ladder. Mr,. Venn climbs on first. Stack and Masamune shrug and climb aboard as well. Ashley then jumps on the end of the ladder as it flies away~

Vorpal: Dodo! After her!

Dodo: Um, how sir?

Vorpal: Shut up.

~on board the ship~

Masamune: You're a princess?

Ashley: Shut up. *turns to Mr. Venn* Good to see you safe.

Mr. Venn: Ah, yes...

Ashley: You have the 'object' right?

Mr. Venn: Of course, but-

Ashley: Good. Mr, Splog, set a course home.

Splog: Aye captain.

Masamune: A pirate princess?

Ashley: Don't you ever shut up? Who are you anyways?

Masamune: *grins* Captain Masamune, of the S.S. Swordefeller.

Ashley: Never heard of you. Listen, I have no time to babysit some wannabe. Just sit tight and stay quiet and I'll drop you off somewhere.

Masamune: *mumbles* I liked her better when she didn't have a beak.

Stack: I wish you would stop following me.

Masamune: Bah.

Straw Man: Straw Man sits in his chair, pondering the meaning of life. He already figured out what it is, of course, but he likes to muse on it from time to time. Finally, TeevC gives him something to do by bringing King Russel and Queen Sheryl to him.

TeevC: ~walks in with Russel and Sheryl~ Hey best buddy! Look at these two wonderful people I found for you!

Straw Man: Excellent... Russel steps forward, cowering with every step, knowing that he is in the presence of the one thing he fears most.

Russel: M-m-m'lord. You summonsed us?

Straw Man: Yes. You see, it has recently come to my attention that some troublemakers are showing up within your dear Missileville. You of course already know who I'm talking about.

Russel: You mean Masamune and Robert Stack?

Straw Man: Yes. Both of them should be dead. I don't understand why not... but it would please me greatly if they were.

Russel: Y-yes m'lord. Shall I have Queen Sheryl sing for you today?

Straw Man: That won't be necessary. You may leave. But before you go, I will be holding a ceremony for Emperor Lugius tonight. It seems that this is his 25th year running the Roman division, longer than any of his ancestors, so I thought I'd throw him a little celebration. You will attend.

Russel: Of course.

Straw Man: And Russel and Sheryl go back to Missileville. TeevC goes to fetch Emperor Lugius and his wife.

TeevC: Right on it!

***

~Luigi straightens his robes in his desk mirror. Sitting on either end of the desk are a pair of mushrooms, looking suspiciously like goombas, and a simple phrase carved in between them, "Trust the Fungus." Rebe enters and walks up behind him.~

Rebe: Emperor Straw Man has summoned us.

Luigi: ~sighs~ How soon? He knows that I'm uncomfortable in his presence.

Rebe: Curious that I'm not.

Luigi: You're a harto. Straw Man is a scarecrow, not a scareharto.

Rebe: ~looks at the desk~ Why don't you take the mushrooms with you, then?

Luigi: What good would they do? They're just mushrooms.

Rebe: There must be some reason for you to trust them.

Luigi: I doubt it. We don't like to say so, but the first Lugius wasn't exactly... well in the head. It's even been said that he's not really a Caesar.

Rebe: Poppycock.

Luigi: Most likely.

TeevC: Hello all you happy people! Ready to go?

***

Vorpal: Well, fine. If you can't catch them, then we'll just have to take... THE VORPMOBILE!

Dodo: Yes, Mr. Vorpal sir. But if you will excuse me, I need to, um, go to the restroom.

Vorpal: Again?!

Dodo: Well, I am a human. You know how bad our bladders are, sir. Especially portly ones such as myself.

Vorpal: Oh very well.

~Dodo lopes away into an alley, waits a few seconds to make sure Vorpal hasn't followed him, then whistles. Lord Kantii leaps down from a rooftop and lands on his feet.~

Kantii: Well, Mr. Dodo?

Dodo: We're going after those two humans who got kidnapped by the croman lady and Mr. Venn. Knowing Vorpal, he won't spare any of them.

Kantii: Ah, heroics. What a crime they've become.

Dodo: When is the next meeting for the Human Superiority Movement?

Kantii: Next Tuesday at 7, if you can make it. Don't blow your cover, though.

Dodo: I know, I know. Now, if you'll excuse me... ~runs into a restroom~

Straw Man: TeevC escorts the Emperior Lugius, Rebe, and the two mushrooms into my throne room

TeevC: Hey best buddy! I brought those wonderful people you wanted to hang out with!

Straw Man: Thank you

Luigius: Erm—m-m’lord. Why do you summon me?

Straw Man: I need a favor, obviously. And what are these fungi?

Luigius: Mascots. Trust the Fungus.

Straw Man: *looks at one of the fungi* It puts the lotion on its skin.

Fungus 1: [What lotion?]

Straw Man: IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN

Fungus 1: [You know, does anyone else think the air seems a little dry? I think I could use some moisterizer]

Straw Man: Now then. I have heard rumors that a green-skinned monkey thing in a red suit has been trying to ruin Christmas

Luigius: Oh right. I heard about that.

Straw Man: Luigius reveals the name of this villain

Luigius: He has many. In the Christmas Resistance movement, he is called Santa CLAWS

Straw Man: Luigius departs to apprehend this villain

TeevC: Hey, maybe when you’re done with that, we can all go to my house and play fuseball

Luigius: *Sprints out of the throne room*

Rebe: He’s such a spaz

Straw Man Jr: Dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad dad

Straw Man: What?

Straw Man Jr.: Can I help catch the criminals?
Straw Man: Oh, go play

Straw Man Jr: I’m an astronaut! *vanishes*

Straw Man: *sniff* My little boy is all grown up and time traveling into the past so he can capture a planet and remake it in his image….but not until closer to the end of the story

Straw Man Jr: Reappears. HEY!

Straw Man: Meanwhile, Ashley’s ship crashes somewhere incredibly convenient…like my backyard

Stack: Nope

Straw Man: Blast!

~Ashley's ship, the S.S. Turquoise~

Masamune: ...and so I've been trapped in a sword for the last six hundred years. Or that's what the curse was supposed to be. I don't get why it "never happened".

Robert Stack: Curious. Did you have so many grey hairs a moment ago?

Masamune: Wh-what?

Robert Stack: Now there's even more.

Masamune: But... but... What's going on?!

Robert Stack: I suppose you should have died six hundred years ago. But since you're still alive by some twist of time, time itself has increased your aging so that you will die sooner and put things back to right.

Masamune: . . . Oh man . . . What can we do?

Robert Stack: I suppose we could try to reinstate the curse, at least until we find out why it never happened. But we'd need to find your sword.

~Mr. Venn and Ashley walk past, discussing the object of their desire.~

Ashley: So this is the sword forged by the great Masamune? They say that it's unbreakable.

Mr. Venn: Indeed. But I can't believe you want to use it against Straw Man.

Ashley: Well, whatever it takes.

Masamune: Holy plot devices (reverb), Stack! That's my sword!

~Mr. Venn and Ashley turn and look at Masamune.~

Ashley: Well, I think you've been on my ship for quite long enough.

Masamune: That's not what I meant. You see, I... (think fast, Mune...) I think you have, um, beautiful eyes. I mean, hair. Right, it's hair.

Ashley: ~appauled~ I'm married!

Masamune: . . . crap . . .

Mr. Venn: Well, what do you think we should--

Masamune: Sorry about this, but...

~Masamune punches Mr. Venn in the face and knocks him out.~

Masamune: And VERY sorry about this...

~Masamune does the same to Ashley before she can react because she doesn't have the Force to help of course.~

Robert Stack: Domestic violence, what?

Masamune: Let's find the helm.

Robert Stack: Where are you taking this ship, now?

Masamune: Wherever the wind takes us.

~Masamune takes the sword from Ashley.~

Masamune: Wait... this isn't me! Dammit! This is...

***

~Murasame wakes up slowly, rubbing his head and wiping pie from his eyes.~

Murasame: Ugh... ~throws up a ton of water, then some gravel~ Where am I?

Officer: QUIET IN THERE!

~Murasame looks around and sees that he's in a prison cell.~

Murasame: What? When did I get arrested?

Officer: We picked you up this morning for laying in the middle of a street. Your court hearing is a day after this story ends. And don't think of escaping; the cell is made out of yournotallowedtobeinthisstorium.

Murasame: Good. I didn't want to be in this stupid story anyway.

Masamune: Dang, I'm getting old. Look at this long white flowing hair! And these wrinkles! And this awesome white handlebar mustache and goatee. Next thing you know, I'll look like Merlin. Or that Santa guy.

Stack: You do realize you're talking to a past 80 year old man who died from old age.

Masamune: Whatever.

~suddenly a door flies open on deck~

Person: Honey, I can't find my socks- oh.

Masamune: *holds the Murasame sword to his neck* You look somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?

Person: I make it a point of avoiding familiarity with geezers.

Masamune: I'm not that old! I'm still young inside.

Stack: What's your name, son?

Person: Oh ah, Venn. Cobalt Venn.

Masamune: Wait, Venn? If you're Cobalt, *looks down at Mr. Venn* that must be Golem.

Cobalt: My father, Greg Venn.

Masamune: Mr. Venn, whatever. Listen, sorry about your dad and the chick-

Cobalt: My wife.

Masamune: No way. Ashley would never marry a royal snob like you.

Cobalt: Royal? She left home to marry me. It's forbidden for her to marry a hobo like me.

Masamune: So I bet you mother is a hobo?

Cobalt: .... yes.

Masamune: *snickers* But seriously. *hits him in the head with the hilt of the Murasame*

Cobalt: Oh. *passes out*

Masamune: So, we need to find the Masamune blade. Any idea where it is?

Stack: You're asking the one with amnesia. If anyone would've known, they would have.

Masamune: Crap.

OoC: Sorry about the every-other-post, but I was ordered to do so.
Also sorry if this seems a bit quick. It was supposed to be three posts, but it was easier to fit them into one.

---

Straw Man: Luigi sits at a computer, diligently doing my bidding.

Rebe: You're going to be late.

Luigi: For what?

Rebe: For the party. Straw Man's honoring your stay as Emperor.

Luigi: That's next week. And only if I find Santa CLAWS.

Rebe: It's tonight. I wrote it on the calender.

Luigi: ~looks at calender~ Next week.

Rebe: Huh?

Straw Man: Rebe remembers that the party is next week, and the calender says so.

Rebe: Huh. Waste of a dress up. ~looks at computer~ Why'd he ask you to find Santa CLAWS? You're just an official.

Luigi: Because he knows I built him.

Rebe: ~raises eyebrow~

Luigi: Long time ago. He's a robot. I was trying to build a big crow for... whatever reason. Doesn't come to mind at the moment. But he ended up looking like an ape instead. With green fur. I named him Pablo. But Dad didn't like how he looked, so we sold him to some old scientist. ~looks at computer~ Tracing code is still active... There. He's just entered Las Pajas over in British America. How soon can we get there?

Rebe: You mean now? What about the-- wait, nevermind. An hour, I guess, if we take the warp pipe.

Luigi: Let's get this over with, then.

***

Straw Man: Luigi and Rebe make their way through Las Pajas, hunting the elusive Santa CLAWS.

Luigi: When we find him, I may be able to talk him down. Don't shoot until I say so.

Rebe: Is he really so big that we need anti-tank missiles?

Luigi: Yes...

Straw Man: A shingle falls off of a nearby roof. Luigi and Rebe look up and see a giant silhouette examining a chimney.

Rebe: I see what you mean.

Straw Man: Luigi pulls his arms into his sleeves and releases his wings, then flies up to the roof.

Luigi: Pablo?

Santa CLAWS: Hnn...

Luigi: Pablo, it's me.

Santa CLAWS: Another one of Santa's harpies, I take it. Didn't he warn you what happened to the last five?

Luigi: I'm working for Straw Man, actually. He's not too happy either.

Santa CLAWS: About what? I'm doing the world a favor here, putting an end to Christmas. Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to have a non-holiday once?

Luigi: Honestly, no.

Santa CLAWS: Of course, you can afford it, you big snot. Yes, I remember you. I'm not Pablo anymore, though. EVIL Scientist Dude calls me GRIN-CHEE.

Luigi: EVIL?

Santa CLAWS: Can't blame him for weird parents.

Luigi: Pablo, you have to stop.

Santa CLAWS: Or what?

Luigi: ~signals to Rebe~ Or I'll st--

Straw Man: Santa CLAWS grabs Luigi by the front of his robe and throws him into a big neon sign some ways away. Rebe fires a pair of anti-tank missiles, but Santa CLAWS uses eye lasers to explode them before they can reach him. He jumps down in front of Rebe and slaps the launcher from her hands.

Rebe: Stop, CLAWS. I don't want to hurt you.

Santa CLAWS: ~grabs Rebe in one hand, pinning her arms to her sides~ How?

Rebe: I hadn't thought that far yet...

Santa CLAWS: Didn't think so. ~knocks Rebe out~

Luigi: Stop. ~staggers up to Santa CLAWS~ Put her down.

Santa CLAWS: I don't think so. We love having hostages in the Christmas Resistance Movement. She'll be perfect. Just wait 'til you see what we do to her.

Luigi: ~draws a sword~ You'll have to kill me first, you know.

Santa CLAWS: ~puts Rebe down~ Wouldn't be the same otherwise.

Straw Man: Santa CLAWS charges at Luigi, firing lasers. Luigi reflects them away, running forward as well. At the last second, Luigi shoves his sword into the ground, vaults over Santa CLAWS, and wraps his arms around the ape's neck.

Santa CLAWS: Wanna go for a ride, eh? Your wife shouldn't see this anyway.

Straw Man: Santa CLAWS takes a mighty leap and lands in front of an unfinished skyscraper. He reaches back, grabs Luigi, and throws him into the ground.

Santa CLAWS: You should know better. Holding a robot's throat shut is pointless when robots don't breathe.

Luigi: Who says... ~wheeze~ I was doing that?

Straw Man: Nothing happens.

Santa CLAWS: Man, EVIL Scientist Dude removed my self-destruct programs years ago.

Luigi: ~wince~ Guess I've only got one choice...

Straw Man: Luigi rolls away and grabs the anti-tank missile launcher. He turns to Santa CLAWS and fires five rounds. Santa CLAWS watches as they fly past his face.

Santa CLAWS: Damn, man. I didn't even need to use my eye lasers.

Luigi: Wouldn't have helped you anyway.

Santa CLAWS: Eh?

Straw Man: Santa CLAWS turns and watches the missiles explode against the skyscraper, which proceeds to creak ominously.

Santa CLAWS: Aw crap.

Straw Man: Rebe wakes up oh so conveniently.

Rebe: Luigi...?

Luigi: Buona notte.

Straw Man: Then the skyscraper falls, killing two birds with one stone. AND I don't have to throw that party now.

Rebe: LUIGI!

Straw Man: Rebe runs toward the wreckage, screaming. ~giggles~ Though there is no hope.

Rebe: No! NO! You're not dead! You can't be! ~digs through the wreckage~ YOU CAN'T BE!

Straw Man: Rebe throws a final rock aside and is frozen in place as she looks down at Luigi's broken body.

Luigi: Did I get him?

Rebe: Yeah... ~looks over at one of Santa CLAWS's hands, sticking up from the wreckage but limp~ You got him.

Luigi: I guess... this is it for the Caesers, then. Hope Cobalt's ready when he comes home...

Rebe: It's not over. My tears can heal you. You'll be okay. ~wipes her eyes and rubs the tears on Luigi's cheeks~

Luigi: I'm sorry. Time to say... goodbye...

Rebe: ~sob~ NO! ~rubs tears faster~ It's not too late! It's not!

Luigi: There is... another... Skyyyyyyy...wal...ker...

Rebe: Nooooooo...

Straw Man: And then Luigi dies. (Think I'll kill off Yami Yoshi next. Or maybe Mario Jr.) Rebe holds Luigi's body and cries like a baby as my helicopters start to arrive, perfectly timed to be too late.

~Santa CLAWS's fingers wiggle a bit.~

Straw Man: No they don't.

~Santa CLAWS closes his hand into a fist and slowly pulls it back into the wreckage.~

Straw Man: RRRGH!

***

~Three days later, in French Canada~

Straw Man: I do not support this following scene whatsoever. It goes against all truth and obviously never happened, so I refuse to narrate it.

~A woman sits in a small cottage in a forest, enjoying her time away from being a bag lady. Marrying a successful plumber and having her son marry an Emperor's daughter had it's perks. As she closes her eyes and enjoys the quiet, the phone rings.~

Sapphire: ~sigh~ Hello.

Rebe: Mrs. Venn?

Sapphire: Speaking.

Rebe: This is Rebe Jade Caesar. Um, our children are married, but I don't think we've actually had the time to meet.

Sapphire: No.

Rebe: I could use your help. Cobalt, what little I met of him before we had to send him and Ashley away, he said you would've made an excellent ruler if you had been born the part.

Sapphire: Perhaps. How could a lowly bag lady help you, though?

Rebe: Because Emperor Lugius just died, our children are missing, Straw Man REALLY doesn't like me... ~voice cracks~ A-and I don't know the first thing about being an Empress.

Cobalt: It's no good Mr. uh... Masamune. I've searched all over the internet. There just isn't any Masamune blade except ofr a few katana blades. As I told you, the swordsmith never went to Europe and forged a sword there.

Masamune: Shut up you whippersnapper! I don't know why I let you out of those ropes anyways.

Stack: Because you forgot to tie him up.

Masamune: That was it.

Ashley: ~still tied up~ If you're planning to ransom us, it will never work. My father is a great warrior and would never believe I turned pirate anyways.

Masamune: I wish you were more like that when we were dating.

Ashley: Senile old man.

Mr. Venn: Um.

Masamune: What?

Mr. Venn: I was thinking um. Well, since I'm tied up and all.... but...

Masamune: Spit it out!

Mr. Venn: Sorry sorry! It's just... if you find your sword, if what you say is true (which I doubt), wouldn't it just be a regular sword anyways?

Masamune: That's ridic- *pauses* Oh. Hm.

Stack: He has a point. I don't think I could narrate this 'curse' you speak of into existence either. I don't think Straw Man could either.

Ashley: So make your peace with Straw Man, geezer and hurry up and die.

Masamune: Vicious, isn't she? *rubs chin* That's out then. Pity EVIL Scientist Dude isn't around, this would be up his alley.

Ashley: Pssh? That old hack. He's just a junk collector.

Masamune: *turns on her* Tell me where he lives.

~Meanwhile, in a desert wasteland in New Spain, south of British America.~

~An old man hobbles out of his litte hut dragging his wood stove~

Old Man: Fragginstoveneverworksdontknowwhyiuseitnevercangetittowork.

~The S.S. Turquoise lands in front of him.~

Old Man: Bloodysalesmenneverknowwhentoleavemealoneidontwanttobuynuffin.

Masamune: *runs-~

Straw Man: Hobbles, he's like a 180 by now.

Masamune: *hobbles out of the ship* Are you EVIL Scientist Dude?

Old Man: Daftparentsandtheirnamesihatemynamedontknowwhyicouldntchangeit.

Ashley: *looking over from the side of the ship* That's him.

Masamune: I need you to make a de-aging... thing.

EVIL Scientist Dude: *looks up* Ignorantfolknever... *thinks* Why?

Masamune: *makes vague gesture at face* Make a guess.

ESD: Hmm... de-aging... that's not easy. I could make you a robot body but...

Masamune: But?

ESD: Straw Man has forbidden memory relocation. In fact, he has made it physically impossible. Stupidoverlordofallevilnevershouldvevotedhimin.

Straw Man: EVIL Scientist Dude is hit by a meteor.

ESD: *isn't*

Straw Man: Argh!

Masamune: Another dead end, at this rate I'll be dead come morning.

Ashley: Good!

ESD: Although... hrum hmm...

Masamune: What?

ESD: Well.. they say a man was locked up for being powerful. More powerful than Straw Man.

Straw Man: ESD admits that it's a lie.

ESD: Some say it's a lie... but I think it's true.

Straw Man: Grr....

ESD: His name was... what was it... Ermys, I think.

Masamune: Ermys, Ermys... *thinks....* Why does that sound familiar? Curse this old, feeble mind!

Stack: Where is he at?

ESD: The North Pole, under close guard by the Elven Elite Forces. That place is impenatrable.

Masamune: Let's find out. *begins hobbling back to the ship*

ESD: Wait for me, I'm coming.

Stack: Why?

ESD: Because I was exiled here, dammit. Do you think I want to stay?

Masamune: Eh?

Stack: Fine, come along.

Ashley: Wait, you can't do that. I don't like Straw Man either, but doing something like this could get us executed.

Masamune: It's better than living in this mockery of Earth. Take us out Mr. Venn.

Mr. Venn: Y-yes, um. Yes Mr. Masamune, sir.

*Everyone boards the pirate ship as it starts to fly off. All of EVIL Scientist Dude's robots line up on the ground and wave goodbye to him, and he waves back.*

Robots: Good luck EVIL Scientist Dude! Good luck finding Ermys! Take care of yourself!

*Then EVIL Scientist Dude looks over and sad music plays as he sees his grandmother watching him from the pier. She waves goodbye to him, and with a burst of strength, EVIL Scientist Dude waves back.*

Ashley: Ugh... How much longer is this going to go on, do you think? Do you have an estimate? Are you sure you shouldn't just quit right now?Seriously, think about it. I can tell you're just going to get more sentimental from here on out. There's still time, you know... Are you sure we shouldn't just turn around and take you back to your island?

EVIL Scientist Dude: Damn, calm down. Where do you get off talking to me like that?

Masamune: Look lively, crew! We're going for the North Pole!

Cobalt: Shut up.

*The ship soon flies over Antartica and everyone regrets only wearing t-shirts. At the North Pole they see a giant fortress with spotlights.*

EVIL Scientist Dude: The elf stronghold.

Cobalt: How can we bypass security?

Masamune: Ahoy, I have a plan. Step forward Mr. Venn.

*Later Mr. Venn wakes up inside a barrel, which is fired from the ship's catapault towards the fortress.*

Ashley: (pulls something out of Masa's pocket) Is that Greg's wallet?

Masamune: He... he dropped it.

Ashley: (smirks and pockets it) I'll make sure he finds it.

*Elsewhere Mr. Venn's barrel smashes against the side of the fortress and he lands on the castle's walkway. Then he realizes to his horror... that he dropped his sword! Then he realizes that he didn't even have a sword!*

Straw Man: Yes he did.

*Mr. Venn creeps towards the first spotlight to disable it, tripping every other alarm in the fortress in the process.*

TeevC: (checks date) Hey it's actually Christmas today!

Straw Man: No it's Taco Night.

Cobalt: *scratches head* I hope dad is alright over there.

Masamune: He'll be fine. Why I bet- *hack hack cough cough*

ESD: You okay?

Masamune: I feel old.

ESD: You look like you're a hundred.

Stack: A hundred and fifty. He's slowly approaching his exact age. When he does, he'll die.

Ashley: Thank Strawman.

~Back in the fortress~

Elven Commando: *in Austrian accent* You are in a non-civilian area.

Mr. Venn: It wasn't even my idea!

Elven Commando: I am the Elvenator, Chief Elf of Security of the North Pole.

Mr. Venn: I didn't ask who you were.

Elven Commando: Shut up little man. You're getting locked up.

~Back on the ship~

Masamune: What's happening?

Ashley: I think he got captured.

Masamune: I'm going in.

Stack: You're working towards two hundred, you'll never make it.

Masamune: I don't have a choice. *pulls out a regular cutlass* In the real world, I did love you Ashley.

Ashley: ....

Cobalt: Er.

Masamune: *turns around and starts running-

Straw Man: *cough*

Masamune: *-hobbling off the pirate ship* *looks back at the others* For Dodo. *starts running-

Straw Man: HOBBLING!

Masamune: *-running towards the ice fortress*

Straw Man: Curses.

~Ashley and Cobalt glance at eachother, shrug, and grab their weapons and run too. Stack and ESD stay because they're not idiots~

~epic battle ensues. Despite being old, Masamune takes out several elves with his cutlass. Ashley is doing a lot better due to not being ancient. Cobalt shoots several down with his crossbow.~

Ashley: There's too many of them!

?????: Perhaps you'll need some help!

ESD: GRIN-CHEE!

Straw Man: Santa CLAWS isn't there and it's a trick of the wind.

GRIN: I'm here. Let's finish these elves off.

~GRIN-CHEE tears into the elves and starts throwing them in different directions. EVIL Scientist Dude jumps out with his own bazooka and begins firing at stuff. For the sake of it, Stack starts casting dark magic to complete the parody~

Straw Man: They don't parody Chrono Trigger since it's a horrible game.

Masamune: Elves, thou hast been verily defeated!

Elf Commando: You must defeat me first.

Masamune: Arnold?

Elf Commando: What? Shut up. Now you will die!

~Epic battle ensues~

Elf Commando: *labored breath* You are strong for an old man.

Masamune: All we've been doing is staring at eachother.

Elf Commando: Sh-shut up!

GRIN-CHEE: *punches Elf Commando* Okay. So uh, why are you here?

Masamune: To get uh...

Stack: Ermys.

Masamune: No thank you, I'm quite full.

GRIN-CHEE: You mean the old wizard guy? Ah yes... Merlyn.

Ashley: Don't use a y, only weird people do that.

GRIN-CHEE: But it's like magyck. For vampyres.

Ashley: Shut up.

Masamune: Okay okay, I'll go in.

~he does so~

~Inside a very probably inticatedly designed room sits an old man in the middle of the room, chained up~

Masamune: Er, hey.

Old Man: Mmph.

Masamune: *pulls off duct tape from Old Man's mouth*

Old Man: OW DAMMIT.

Masamune: Sorry.

Old Man: Who are you?

Masamune: Masa- That never sounds right in Dialogue OGs. *coughs* I am... Masamune.

Old Man: Oh, Merlin here. Camelot guy. Might have heard of me.

Masamune: Merlin, that's it! You're the guy who cursed me! Thanks for that, by the way.

Old Man: Uhh...

Masamune: I was hoping you could put the curse back and then possible pull a deus ex machina and finish the OG befoore Page 2.

Merlin: Err...

Masamune: Anytime now.