Episode 1: Lucy I'm Home!

*One fine sunny day in Hollywood, Kester and Golem were on a tour of the studio backlots*

Tour Guide: And if you look over here to the right, this is where they filmed "Waspman: Wasp Your Back". As you can see, there are still wasp in there to this day.

*Other people started taking pictures of the set, while Kester raised his hand*

Kester: Umm...excuse me!

Tour Guide: Yes?

Kester: When like...when are we going to go and see...you know...the X-Files set?

Tour Guide: X-Files was filmed in Vancouver, it's not here.

Kester: Ah, but you are mistaken. X-Files was filmed in Vancouver from seasons 1-5 but Duchovny wanted to go to Hollywood to be closer to his wife, and he hated the weather. Thus the usual dark gloomy look of the show was replaced with bright sunny episodes which incited criticism from many but personally, I liked Season 6 and 7 and 8.

Tour Group Member: Hey, what about season 9?

Kester: I have no idea what you're talking about. There is no season 9.

Tour Group Member: Yeah...didn't like...some people die and the one lady gave her kid up and stuff?

Kester: There is...no season...9!

Tour Guide: Folks, calm down, calm down. The fact is......X-Files was not filmed in Hollywood, so we won't go see the set. Let's continue on!

Golem Excuse me, tour guide. Some person is being attacked by wasp back there.

*Everyone turned around, and another member of the group was on the ground with wasp covering him and stinging him*

Tour Guide: We got a schedule to stick to, if he wants to be left behind, it's his problem. Moving on! *The group then entered a building*

Tour Guide: Now see, this is where they filmed the TV show "I Love Lucy".

Golem: Wow....it's just like I remembered...

Kester: You were on this tour already?

Golem: No. I was in an episode.

Kester: No you weren't.

Golem: I was! I was filmed in an episode!

Kester: How can you be in an episode? This show was on the air in like, the 1920's!

Golem: My episode was in 1952.

Kester: Suuure. And how did you get there? A "Time Machine"? Hahaha!

Golem: Yes.

Kester: Ooooh! And where is this mythical time machine you speak of!

Golem: Somebody wanted to borrow it earlier today.

Kester: Wow! What a coincidence! You just don't happen to know where it is!

Golem: Oh, I know where it is. They needed it for a scene in X-Files 2.

Kester: Well get the monkey off the lawn, they needed it for....for.....For a scene in X-Files 2?!

Golem: Yes.

Kester: X-Files 2?!?

Golem: Yes.

Kester: X-Files 2?!

Golem: Uh...yep.

Kester: X-Files 2?!

Golem: That's what I said.

Kester: Show me!

Golem: Ok.

*Meanwhile, on the set of X-Files 2*

Director Chris Carter: Ok, now in this scene, Sean Astin, you're going to go and try and shoot Gillian, but she's going to roll out of the way, and attack you with a pen. Everyone got it? Ok, quiet on the set! 3...2....1....Action!

Sean Astin: So Scully...you thought you could hide the alien in your bathtub. You thought we would never find it. Well we did....in your bathtub!

Gillian: Listen Tyler,that alien could change the world! With it, everyone will know the truth!

Sean Astin: That's the problem. They can't know the truth. Only I tell people what the truth is, and if they find out what the truth is without my permission, then they're going to be as cold as a wagon tire next morning.

*Sean Astin pulled out a gun. Gillian grabbed a pen. Sean Astin pulled the trigger, which naturally shot out nothing. Gillian jumped over the desk and lunged at Sean Astin. She raised the pen above her head ready to drive it into his heart, and clicked it. Suddenly, a newstand appeared over the two*

Chris Carter: What in the world of surfing?!

*A sidedoor to the studio opened up*

Golem: There it is Kester! Someone already activated it!

*Golem ran towards the newsstand and entered. Kester followed, then saw Chris Carter*

Kester: You....

Chris Carter: What's going on?

Kester: CURSE YOU CHRIS CARTER! CURSE YOOOOOUUUU! *Kester entered the newstand* ...Whoa! Hey Sean, hey Gillian!

Gillian: Hey Kester.

Sean Astin: My name is Tyler.

Kester: Sure it is. Guys, this is Golem. He's going to "Take us to the past", haha!

Golem: Yes..just allow me to enter the date..

Kester: Can you guys believe this? Time travel! I know a canadian that says time travel is pure evil, and here we got Golem all "let's go to the past".

*One of the screens inside the newsstand(Which also had computers and stuff) was showing the scenery changing.

Kester: Ooh, sped up special effects in reverse, nice touch.

*A few seconds later, Golem motioned for them to exit the newstand. They were now outside, with buildings around them looking different*

Tyler/Sean Astin: Did they...change the set?

Golem: No we time travelled. I sent us to a moment in time right after an I Love Lucy episode was filmed. See, that's the actual Lucille Ball over there!

Kester: So fake. Gillian looked more like Lucille Ball in her photoshoot where she dressed up as her, than that lady does.

Gillian: Actually...I think that's really Lucy...

Episode 2: A Blast from YOUR Past

Kester: GILLIAN!

Gillian: What?

Kester: NOT SKEPTICAL?!

~Kester rips off Gillian's face to reveal... KEIRA?!~

Kester: Who are you?

Keira: Oh come on. I was in the first OG.

Kester: What? Were you that witch that followed Thrakun around?

Keira: No.

Kester: One of the flight attendants?

Keira: NO!

Tyler: But if she's Keira, where's the real Gillian?

Gillian: ~steps out of TASTS restroom~ Real me what?

Kester: Yeah, anyway. How dare you presume to disguise yourself as my beloved Gillian?!

Golem: Hey guys? They're going to film the episode that I show up in tomorrow.

Tyler: So? We've got time.

Golem: In Switzerland.

Tyler: Why Switzerland?

Golem: It's the infamous "mountain climbing" episode. Anyway, first we have to go to the casting call in New York.

Tyler: Why... New York?

Golem: ~shrugs~ It's show biz.

Kester: This is all a rather unconvincing lie. However, since I casually glanced over and noticed there's a Tiki God Airways just a few blocks away, I'm willing to see how far you can carry this charade, Golem. Mwa ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.

*Kester, Golem, Sean Astin, Gillian Andserson and Keira walks through the Tiki God airport. Keira drifts at the opposite site of the group from Gillian and constantly prevents Gillian from getting a good look at her. Kester walks up to the ticket distribution area.*

Kester: We need five tickets for the next plane to New York please.

Stewardess: Why yes, sir! That'll be 80 dollars.

*Kester hands her the money.*

Stewardess: What kinda trick is this? What is this fake funny money? Issued in the year 2005? Why don't you just go back to your spaceship and fly away spaceman.

Golem: Let me handle this. (hands her eighty American bucks from the 1950's)

Stewardess: Now there's someone with taste! You can board in a little while, but not before the SUPREME TIKI GOD. Oh, and here's your raffle tickets.

Golem: See? Last time I came I had to hitchhike my way to New York, but I remembered to bring money from the 50's this time.

Kester: You lie! You LIE!

*They leave, and a small family of four walks up to the ticket booth. The Mother holds in her hands a 3-year old child, while a 12-year old boy walks alongside them.*

12-Year Old Boy: Hide in the henhouse, Martha. I sense highly advanced technology nearby.

Mother: Can you please call me "Mommy"? Martha isn't even my name, Jonathan.

Father: (to Stewardess) Hello, dear. We paid for our tickets in advance. We are the Dude family.

Stewardess: Ah yes, sir. Here are your plane tickets and your raffle tickets.

Father: Why thank you dear.

*The baby starts wailing.*

Mother: Ooh, little baby EVIL Scientist is a-wailing again.

Father: He always gets that way when advanced technology is nearby.

Little Jon: I knew it, Martha! I knew I done sensed a working time machine somewhere nearby!

Mother: Now settle down Jonathan. You're upsetting the chickens. (the family carries a bunch of chickens in those cages the airports use to hold dogs)

*On the Tiki God airplane, all the seats are noticeably smaller. That is to make room for one more giant seat in the center of the aisle, where the giant Tiki God rests. After the Tiki God takes his seat, all the others are allowed to sit down.*

Plane Man: Now that everyone is seated, I'd like to announce the winning raffle number. (Everyone takes out their tickets) 7-5-4-3-2-1! If you have that combo, just holler!

Kester: That's me! That's me! What do I win!

Plane Man: Why my dear boy, you get the honor of being sacrificed to the Tiki God so he will bless our flight!

*Several Tiki Officers tackle Kester to the ground.*

Kester: I knew I should have never left my Dented Armor stand.

~Meanwhile, back in the future~

Thrakun: Begin painting, lassie!

Helga: Couldn't I just use a camera?

Thrakun: Nae, lass. Our new third guy forbids it.

Farmer Jon: That'll do, dwarf. That'll do.

Helga: Oh fine.

Thrakun: *ahem* Ae have created a pair of scissors what tears a HOLE IN TIME. Behold! *attaches scissors to the forehead of a duck, then kicks it. The duck goes crazy, flies around, creates a timehole, and vanishes*

Farmer Jon: Who let the chickens out?

Helga: So uh, now you have no scissors so- *something pokes into her back. It's the duck with the scissors* Oh.

Thrakun: Aye! That wee duckie went five seconds in the future! Now I go anywhere! Like tae a few years ago when MJ was born... I could prevent that. Or back to the fifties when I pulled mae first major TV appearance...

~JUST THEN~

Wal-Mart Employee: There's that guy who stole our scissors! *tasers him*

Helga: THRAAAAAAAKKUN! *grabs scissors*

Wal-Mart Employee: Give that back!

Helga: *runs with the scissors, runs into Farmer Jon, and they both vanish OMG?*

Wal-Mart Employee: ..... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

~IN THE PAST!?? ... New York City~

Helga: We're in... the past!?

Farmer Jon: Looks to be so.

Elenia: I guess I can change my name back to-

Farmer Jon: Let it be, Martha.

Elenia/Helga/... Martha: Oh fine. It looks like these scissors were dented. We have no choice... we'll have to hunt down the Thrakun of this time!

~On the set of a movie somewhere!~

Thrakun: *is dressed as an old-timesy villain in a black suit, a tiny black top hat, a slick handlebar mustache and twisty beard, and a monocle* Ahahaha, now you will be run over this train! Captain Beaver shall never rescue you!

Girl: *typical broad material* AIIEEEE PANIC SCREAM HELP ME CAPTAIN BEAVER!

Captain Beaver: *is a man in a ridiculous beaver costume* Never fear, Damsel! CAAAAAAPTAIN BEAVER IS HERE!

Boy Gopher: *also in a costume, only worse* And the Boooooooy Gopher!

Thrakun: Snapcrackles! You can't stop me, you do-gooders!

Director: And CUT! That's a wrap.

Kester: You know, next time we beat Thrakun maybe we should kill him?

Golem: I didn`t beat Thrakun. That was someone else who`s completely dissapeared to never be spoken of again.

(Moondo is busy fighting EVIL Scientist dude to the death in a war of pong machines)

Kester: WELL THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU JEEZ

Golem: Time... Travel...? Also Loving Lucy?

Kester: Oh, thanks for reminding me, Golem! I really appreciate it and that we are doing time travel because it pisses someone off

SUDDENLY THE STORY ENDS DUE TO THEM BEING CRUSHED BY INCOMING MATERIAL THAT THEY EXHAUSTED WHEN COMING TO THE PAST WELL ACTUALLY THAT SHOULDA HAPPENED A WHILE AGO SO WHATEVER JERK FINE USE MORE THAN INFINITE ENERGY TO CREATE AN OFFSHOOT UNIVERSE OR CHAOTICALLY CHANGE THE SAME ONE THAT YOU`RE IN SO IT ALREADY HAPPENED AND WHAT YOU DO HAS NO EFFECT ON ANYTHING EVER OR CHANGES EVERYTHING EVER GOD DON`T YOU PEOPLE KNOW CHAOS EFFECT AHGRH

Kester: I`m just going to ignore whatever that was!

???: So, it`s you!

??? Jr.: Yeah!

Kester: Are your names ??? ?

Golem: There`s already plenty of that in MOG...

???: No are you kidding who would do that to their children? No, I am far worse!

Kester: Gasp you sound much alike someone that I might know but perhaps it`s different?!!

???: That`s right. I am KESTRE!

??? Jr.: AND I AM DARKWING DUCK... I, I mean Kestrel.

Kester: You die in the future.

Kestrel: Uh, duh. Everyone dies.

Kester: I mean like before me. Aren`t you my age?

Kestrel: What, you mean you weren`t born in the 1950s?

Kester: There... wasn`t any physical description for kestrel! Gasp!

Golem: Can I talk yet?

Kestre: NO!

Golem: Just Checki-

Kestre: NO!

Kestrel: Am I your dad? Anyways, I will stab you with this red crayon and maybe put Ks on walls and you`ll have to go on a water cleaning adventure!

Kester: That sounds...

Golem: Fantastic! That was a fun game!

Kestre: NO! I will beat you into a terrifying pulp indeed with my MONOCLE!

(Kestre`s monocle grows to an enormous size, and anyone who wasn`t already paying attention in the terminal to their yelling was now, shouting blasphemies against the tribal gods and whatnot as Kestre`s monocle teared up the building`s hard marble floor and rolled towards Kester and Golem, who totally jumped to the sides of it)

Kester: You could have at least waited until the ride so I`d have something else to put in my book*!

Kestre: Go get em, son!

Kestrel: Matches are dangerous, and I`m not allowed to drink alcohol yet, so I`ll have to settle for these torches and gasoline!

(Kestrel tries to slosh Gasoline on them, but Golem knocks it out of his hand with his scarf. Kestrel picks it up again and prepares to slosh it again but Golem knocks it down again. This repeats for about five minutes until Kestrel kicks it over in their general direction and throws the torch on the leaking liquid. A ring of fire surrounds Golem and Kester)

Kester: Why are you looking at me like that?

Golem: Because I don`t have people who wanted to kill me in the 1950s out of nowhere? How do you manage that?

Kester: The way I manage everything! A choice spinner! I`ve carefully embroidered the board so that I have four equal size parts and four choices always relevant to the situation!

Golem: What if all of them read DIE HORRIBLY?

Kester: Well, then- oh, you`re right, they do!

...

Golem/Kester: AHRRHGH!


(The two are picked up and dropped outside the ring of fire by... KEIRA!)

Keira: Honestly, I can`t leave you two alone for two seconds, regardless of the OG.

Gillian: Are you guys going through security or what?

(security turns out to be a tribal ritual of coal hopping)

Keira: I doubt I can even stay on the coals. The warm air will catch my wings and-

Golem: Put them in.

Keira: What? This isn`t Tales of Symphonia, Golem. Why does everything need a theme, anyways?

(Meanwhile)

Kestre: That`s like the third time this has happened this week. A bit of a sticky wicket, wot?

Kestrel: Dad, shut up. We`re getting on that plane.

Kestre: Proper.


----
*Kester`s Book Airplane Friends which he imagined the last OG, Quest for Masamune....`s Server. He has since started writing and producing it himself, and of the three purchasers, two are him, and one is bought in Kestrel`s name.

Episode 6: Shoeman Cometh

Golem: ...You were just about to be sacrificed.

Kester: What?

Golem: Remember, your ticket had some code, and it was drawn randomly, meaning you were going to be sacrificed to the Tiki God!

Kester: Oh... yeah... a lot of other weird stuff happened...

~Golem rapidly shakes his pen, the TASTS. All that remains is the airport, the hot coals, Kester, Golem, and Gillian.~

Golem: That ought to do it.

Kester: What just happened?!

Golem: I have no clue. Pretty good guess on that pen shake, though, right?

Kester: So if anything weird happens, you shake that pen and it's alright?

Golem: I guess. We just have to be alert to things that don't make sense.

Gillian: Who could have messed up existence like this?

Golem: I have no clue.

Gillian: Then we should pick and choose when to shake that pen. Disturbances might be clues of who is doing this, or better yet, some might lead us to the cause of the disturbances.

~Elsewhere, in an apartment in Hollywood, near the studio where I Love Lucy is filmed...

A man sits at a table with a crystal ball in the center. In the ball he can see Kester, Golem, and Gillian.~

Doug Shoeman: Grr... somehow they managed to stop me. I won't stop, though, I can't stop until I totally prevent Golem from taking my role in the upcoming I Love Lucy episode. Maybe I'll send them some Morlocks from The Time Machine...

----

If you need info on Morlocks, it's easy to find in about two seconds right here:
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/timemachi ... ion4.rhtml

*So after getting new tickets, and getting on a new airplane, it took off into the air holding the 3 characters*

Plane Man: Now that everyone is seated, I'd like to announce the winning raffle number. 2, 4, 9, 2, 0, 7. If you have that combo, just....holler? What the heck is that?

Co-Plane Man: It means to shout.

Plane Man: Oh. then shout!

Kester: Alright! I won AGAIN! I bet being a two time winner will totally get me a better prize than last time, right fellas?

Plane Man: That's right! You get the honor of being sacrificed to the Tiki God so he will bless our flight, and ensure wealth to the nation of Tiki!

Gillian: Should have just been quiet Kester.

Plane Man: Oh...I'm sorry! The plane is landing already.

Golem: But we just took off!

Plane Man: True, but we were going from Hollywood....to Hollywood!

Gillian: That doesn't make sense...How can you people be that dumb to just fly around in a circle? And why the heck did we waste money on this?

Golem: To be nice?

*Gillian rolled her eyes, as the plane touched down and docked at those mid air flight walking on things*

Kester: Well, the important thing is, we made it out alive at Hollywood.

Plane man: Not you!

*The co-plane man grabs Kester, and carries him over to a chopping block. He pushes Kester's head onto it, and holds it there as the plane man grabs an ax*

Plane Man: Now we sacrifice you for the tiki gods!

Passengers: Tiki tiki tiki tiki!

*The plane man swung the ax down. The blade of the ax hit of the metal part of Kester's ponytail hair band, causing the ax to go back and hit the plane man in the face, who fell over onto the co-plane man*

Gillian: That didn't just happen.

Kester: It did! Let's get out of here!

*The three rushed off the plane, back into the airport*

Golem: Ok, now that we're here, we can go to the I Love Lucy set!

Gillian: Wait, wait. Someone tell me, just what was the point of all this? Was all this just a total waste of time?

Kester: In a way, yes. But it allowed time for the morlocks to come!

Gillian: What?

Golem: Where?!

Kester: Right behind Alger Hiss!

Alger Hiss: What's behind me? *Turns around to get killed by a morlock*

Golem: No! Now we can't have the Trial of the Century!

Kester: The O.J. Simpson trial?

Golem: No.

Gillian: Trial for the Lindbergh Kidnapping?

Golem: No...

Kester: Bill Clinton trial!

Golem: Nope.

Gillian: The Charles Manson Trial?

Golem: ...Nevermind. We got morlocks.

~They three are running in terror from Morlocks~

Gillian: Doesn't something seem wrong here?

Golem: How do you mean?

Gillian: Doesn't it feel like there should be others? And less morlocks?

Kester: Hahaha, we're in the past according to Golem. Anyways, let's go call a cab before the Morlocks figure out how the revolving doors work.

~They walk out and the scenery is reminscient of 2079~

Golem: Flying cars! There's no flying cars in the 50s! Well, except for in Back to the Future, but there was a good reason for that!

Gillian: Weird.

Golem: Snap! Now I'll never be in I Love Lucy!

Kester: We can fix this like we did before! *snatches Golem's mysterious pen* We'll use this!

Golem: Well... it is weird out there, but if you press that there's no telling WHAT could happen!

Kester: *already pressed it* Oh.

~HUGE MIND BENDING WARP AND REWIND~

Pilot: Welcome to Tiki Minor Deity Airways!

Kester: I can't believe we're in a biplane! That's awesome!

Golem: I got a headache.... you used the TASTS! Dangit! *looks around* Why are we in a biplane?

Pilot: *turns around, wearing a tiki mask* Come friends, it's off to the Big Apple for us!

Golem: I can't shake the feeling... that maybe we're missing something or someone.

Kester: Relax, man. It's been just the two of us the whole time, right? Now let's go!

~Plane takes off~

*Suddenly, the plane hits turbulence*

Golem: Oh no! The plane is shaking!

*The TASTS shakes*

Golem: No! It will erase people!

Kester: But it also adds new characters!

*Kester was now in an office*

Skinner: Agent Kester, you are now assigned to work on the X-Files with Agent Mulder and Scully.

Kester: Sir, where is the TASTS?

Cigarette Smoking Man: *smokes a cigarette* I got it locked away.

Kester: Sweet. Time to go work on the x-files! Thanks Skinman!

Cigarette Smoking Man: Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers.



THE END