GOLEM IS PERFECTLY FINE IV: The Bridge Glem origins Part III: Time Cop in Time (Time Cop 2)

once upon a time there was a little boy called golem.

golem: i'm a little boy

now golem was many things but one thing he wasn't was a thing. one day when golem was out working in his garden factory he was approached by a mysterious being called ??? who granted him the secret powers of communication with time. this power involved time's phone number and unfortunately time didn't answer their phone very often and was actually on kind of a bad phone plan and often golem would call like 8 times and it wouldn't even go through. time has a iphone 4. so anyway golem saved existance in some og that never got finished and then ??? who had changed his name in the meantime to bobax so people actually knew how to pronounce his name removed golem's power to communicate time and golem went back to an ordinary life killing his family. he thought all was okay and all was back to normal. but one day seven years later...

golem: i am just a little boy.

golem is walkin down the street to get some milk.

richard goo: golem stop right now.

golem: whats up my best friend richard goo (expository dialogue)

richard goo: golem time has been ATTACKEd again.

golem: oh nooo

richard goo: yes in fact time bandits have attacked your very past and introduced the foreign element of your best friend richard goo who didn't exist prior to this time attack in fact i've never been in any other og ever so i'm completely made up

golem: but richard goo. what about all our childhood memories. the days on the farm. the hours we spent at the beach tongue kissing under a dinosaur

richard goo: nope they're all invented golem.

golem: nooo. bobax where are you

bobax: i'm right here golem you've been giving me a piggy back for 7 years.

golem: bobax help. my own past... it has been attacked!!

bobax: yes i know.

golem: you know? so why didn't you help! you're a master of time!

bobax: that i am

golem: so give me the power of time again. like when i was a time cop that one time. give me the power to save my own history.

bobax: i cannot

golem: why not? you are the master of time.

bobax: i am only the master of time magazine. i founded it in 1923

golem: but you gave me powers in the last og!

bobax: no that was a coincidence i just pretended to give you powers and then somehow you actually had them. i am just an editor.

golem: the introductory sequence to this og says otherwise

bobax: i wrote that as a joke to trick you

golem: what can i do.

bobax: nothing you're screwed. bye

bobax disappears in a puff of airplanes (one of which he boarded to europe)

golem: noooo. richard goo what do i do.

richard goo: i may be an invented fake friend golem but i am the best invented fake friend you'll ever have. when the time bandits invented me into your life they accidently gave me the power of time mastery.

golem: how convenient. and stupid on their part.

richard goo: i am going to give you the power of time. now this may hurt a little.

richard goo decapitates golem

richard goo: whoops

will golem survive his sudden decapitation? will he ever get the power of time and go back in time to solve time? why did the mysterious time bandits attack golem's past and invent the equally mysterious richard goo? don't ask me i'm a total idiot and i know nothing

tbc

*Richard Goo has a mustache.*

Golm: This changes everything! How have I survived my decapitation?

Richard: No you sill one. I gave you a decap-e-tation. A vowel must be sacrificed for time mastery. Before I time lorded, I was Richard Goeoa

Golm: My o must be the source of balance.

Richard Goo: That or daily supplements, fiber, healthy living. Now there are five time quests to complete oh yeah bandits stop them all and find treasures

Golm: I was never taught to dance. I'm not ready for any of this.

*Golm finds himself in other time zones. He looks around, you know, he takes photographs and notes and diaries. Learns the natives' dances and competes in the tea-drinking competition.*

Chief Nativio: There you are Golm! There you go my son! Once you drink all that tea... a piece of time will be repair! Think of all the happy children you'll make, not counting the ones made through your own reproduction system ohohoho!

*The Chief jabs Golm friendily with elbow. Golm, knowing hostility when he is hit with it, begins to cry and saturate the tea with his tears.*

Chief Nativitio: Fifty tears deposited. Well kiddo. You unlocked the Special Zone.

*Golm goes through super wacky vortex area, taking him through the asshole of time.*

Golm: If I was Lupus, what would I be, ? Australia. That completes that train of thought.

*Golm boards the next train of thought, sunny side up.*

Golm: thinking of lupus reminds me i forgot if this og has other characters, like my wacky friends gore and luiigii, and the ever-missing masamune. is there anyone else?

???: Me.

Coathanger

Things live in the void between posts things without names.

Golm: where am i?

Everywhere, nowhere, take your pic. Use this camera. Everything will be clear by being the opposite of that.

Golm: Time's not the same. What if things are different? What is a time were I have lost, instead of an e... an... o?

Everything, the universe, shrinks around this brilliant baby's form. Pure death would be the result, the end point of such a creatures.

Golm: i must preserve time....

Continue

golm's train stops at the platform of indiscovery

golm: how can i discover the truth. there is nothing but indiscovery here.

ticket inspector wilkins: tickets plz

golm: my tickets remain undiscovered in my pockets i'm afraid

ticket inspector wilkins: that's okay. i'm only here to look at the famous golem. face to face. nose to nose. eyeball to stinkin' eyeball

golm: and am i as you wanted me to be sir

ticket inspector: i can only undiscover what it was that i originally discovered when looking at you. how do i discover your face at the platform of indiscovery. non-discovery. you are forever stuck here in a state of discoveryless perpetuity

golm: no discovery. no hope

suddenly golm discovers a secret exit

golm: there's the exit thank you.

ticket inspector: god speed golm. that's 780mph according to this fact i made up just now in this sentence

golm: thank you ticket inspector

golm runs out of the platform at 780mph into the streets of cairo.

golm: i have passed the trials of becoming a time cop. now it's time... to save time.

INTRO MUSIC TO GOLEM "TIME COP ADVENTURES" HIT SHOW THEME HERE. IT'S A REALLY GOOD SONG AND HAS LOTS OF CLOSEUPS OF GOLEM AND GLEM AND GOLM AND BOBAX DOING SQUATS. ALSO IT'S IN 5/4

ash ketchum voice over: episode 4 time cop in time!!!

golm: there must be a reason i was sent here to cairo. is this where the time bandits began. excuse me sir what year is it

the man looks at his calendar which he keeps in his breast pocket

man: why it's 1914. july 27. world war 1 will start tomorrow.

golm: but... that means world war 1 starts tomorrow!

man: yea

golm: this must have something to do with the bandits. what do they have to do with cairo and world war 1 and will i have to become a soldier in world war 1 and stop world war 1? the answer is yes for i am a time cop and i have seen the future. also i have seen the end of this og and i totally beat the bandits and they were hiding in seattle USA all along and the main bad guy is gore illa my long lost friend who wants revenge on me for accidently wrecking his future last time i meddled in time but i don't chronologically know that until later.

man: ok wat

golm: thanks for your help i am away to end world war 1!!!!!!!!!!! after it starts.

tbc

golm: first things first gotta save franz ferdinand so their hit song 'take me out' continues to exist as well as their other memorable hits like 'sexual healing' and 'shut up when im talkin to u'

golm flies to austria hungary goes to this big parade where franz ferdnand is playing when suddenly augusto gloop princep or whatever runs out with a gun

golm: stop don't shoot

augusto gloop: f u

the guy fires his pistol at golm but golm uses his slow down time powers like in those time cop arcade games except i cant remember if that happens in the games at all and he catches the bullet and then he runs up and punches augusto gloop in the face killing him

franz ferdinand: thanks what can i do to repay you

golm: give me fifty million bux

franz ferdinand: ok here you go

unfortunately this bankrupts the entire country and russia takes advantage of this and invades and kills everyone

golm: perhaps...its impossible to change the course of time......

golm flies to america and buys fifty mansions

golm: what was i doing again

suddenly there is an explosion behind golm and a guy wearing a ninja costume emerges from the smoke

ninja: so we meet at last....golm

golm: who are you

ninja: i am a member of the time bandits and now you will die

golm: dont

the time bandit brandishes a katana and lunges at golm but golm uses his time powers and accelerates the aging of the blade so it turns to rust before it hits him and shatters into brittle pieces then he uses his reverse aging powers on the time bandit and turns him into a baby

golm: ok time bandit...tell me...WHO IS RICHARD GOO

time bandit: wahh wahhh

golm: TELL ME

tbc

Golm: I guess I cant understand a thief unless I think like a thief

american: that sounds like an easy problem to solve

Golm: no my problems are complicated are you even joking

american: ha you maybe attacked by... sorry, may be attacked by time bandits but at least you're not in my shoes

Golm: actually I am I'm not sure why you gave me them

american: cheap laughs also I'll trade you problems

golm: that seems like it might derail the og

american: NO ONE CARES GOLM NOT YOU NOT ANYBODY

time bandit: Da!

golm: you're right time bandit

golm turns american into a baby using time powers or maybe something else

golm: now if we switch problems the time bandits will kill him and I will be a baby with time powers and I will be young and beautiful again

bystander: thats a terrible idea

golm turns bystander into a tadpole because coincidentally he was a frog

GOLM: oh no by changing time I've created a race of frog people

person: you know you're still in the history you created so that's not how that works

golm uses the power of the time timing to turn person into a baby too

golm: whoops i didnt mean to do that but what am i going to do with all these kids... hmmm

them GOlm trained the babies as assassins to kill the time bandits and took them to richard Goeoa

richard Goeoa: I know what I must now do

them golm: good once your a time lord then

richard Goeoa: kill Charlie Chaplin

golm: what

richard Goeoa: he is the key to everything

golm: I wish you would stop this

richard Goeoa: well I wish I was a time lord but we can't always have what we want you know you selfish jerk whoever you are

Richard Goo: oh what do you know