It's the Party Goers Christmas Special!

Starring Samuel Cantaloupe Dryers Flutter!

Albert "Big Al" White!

And Special Guests!

[EDIT THEM IN]

Golem!

The Steve Trio!

Ditto and Guisseppie!

Pincushion!

The Donkeyman!

plus a special visit from you know who.

Fade in to a Christmas Set. There's a table, with placings, a fireplace with stockings, and names on the stockings. Above the hearth is a wreath. On the right hand corner of the screen is a Christmas Tree.

Big Al: Well Flutter, it looks like it's just you and me this year.

Flutter: I knew you'd scare everyone away.

Big Al: I'm telling you, it's not contagious.

Laugh Track

Flutter: Yeah, but just in case, you stay over there... on the ottoman.

Big Al: But how are we going to have Christmas if we can't be all con.. con... what's that word that means brotherhood that starts with a C?

Flutter: Contagious?

Laugh Track

Big Al: NO! That's not it.

Flutter: How about C...stay away! Don't get off that Ottoman!

Knocking Sound.

Big Al: But I have to! I think I hear some muffled cries for help.

Flutter: I wonder who that could be.

Big Al: It's coming from the man shaped present under the tree.

Flutter: Is this gift for me? Al, you shouldn't have.

Big Al: I didn't bring it. I thought you brought it. I mean, the airholes are a dead giveaway. Did you buy me a wife again?

Flutter: Not after you forgot to feed the third one.

Laugh Track

Big Al: I'd better go open it to make sure it's not someone important.

Big Al unwraps the box. Golem appears from the box gasping for air. Applause.

Flutter: It wasn't anyone important.

Laugh Track

Big Al: Golem, you came to visit us on Christmas!

Aww Track

Golem: I was listening in there. Don't breathe on me. No, I didn't, I was kidnapped by that... jerk!

Flutter: Wait, wasn't I the one that kidnapped you?

Laugh Track

Golem: So... what's this? Some kind of cult... thing?

Big Al: No, silly, it's a Christmas Special!

Flutter: Isn't this time for a Song?

Big Al: We were going to sing Joy to the World. But we couldn't get the rights to use it.

Flutter: Instead, enjoy this freeverse version of Pachabel's Cannon in D Minor.

Everyone looks around.

Flutter: That was easy.

Big Al: So, Golem, what's your favorite part of Christmas?

Golem: Uh, spending time with my family...

Big Al: Apparently not, you're here, yeah?

Laugh Track.

Golem: So... can I go now? I really have to pee.

Flutter: No. Yes... maybe, I don't know.

Big Al: Now a word from our Sponsors!

Big Al stands in front of the heater and farts. Flames shoot out. Laugh Track.

Flutter: Don't do that in front of the heater, it's dangerous.

This Christmas, buy the game no one ever wanted!

Party Goers RPG: VR Trouble in Paradise!

Over 24 playable characters from a series you haven't read! Visit famous locations from the series, like A Cactus Patch in Maryland, The Really Tall Mall, Las Vegas, The Sky Palace, The Swordfeller, The Floating Island of Turquoise, and more.

Use a unique battle system that incorporates character allowance. Flutter, for instance, uses $P instead of MP, allowing him to summon his biggest Summon, RACECARS LASERS AEROPLANES.

Big Al: Wow, I hope Santa brings me that.

Flutter: Wait, did Golem escape during that commercial?

Big Al: No, I boarded up the bathroom door.

Flutter: I hope we MORE unexpected visitors soon.

Big Al: Well, Flutter, while we wait for our next surprise guest, why don't I tell you all about my favorite Christmas memories?

Flutter: That sounds great!

[boooo]

Big Al: Oh, come on!

Flutter: I guess the audience would rather sit here quietly until someone more interesting shows up.

[WHOOOO!]

Flutter: Wow, one commercial in and the audience already hates us.

[Noticeable lack of Laugh Track.]

Big Al: Uh oh, Flutter. I think I know what’s going on here.

Flutter: Your contagion killed the audience?

[Noticeable lack of Laugh Track.]

Flutter: Tough crowd this past five minutes.

Big Al: Let me just do a little test.

Big Al sits down by the fire.

Big Al: One Christmas, when I was only about five years old, I was terrified of Santa. After all, everybody knows that Santa comes into your house on Christmas Eve and steals everything, from the tree to a crumb that’s too small for a mouse.

Flutter: Big Al, I have to stop you right there. That’s the Grinch. The Grinch does those things.

[booooo]

Flutter: What? It’s a well known and classic story! Santa Claus DELIVERS presents!

[BOOOOOOO]

Big Al: That confirms it. I know who our guest is.

Flutter: Well why don’t you tell m- the folks at home who haven’t guessed it yet?

Big Al picks up the camera and points it to the sound room. The sound guy is tied to his chair. He’s been shoved into a corner by…

Big Al: It’s the SteveTrio, of course! Come on over to the stage, guys.

The Sound Guy mutters something, but is thoroughly gagged.

[hahahahaha]

SteveT: Sorry I didn’t knock. I wanted to make sure this was really a party before I started killing anyone, and then Straw Man saw the sound booth—

Straw Man: Distillery!

SteveT: --and thought it would be fun to mess with your “audience”--

Straw Man: Alchemical Experiments!

SteveT: --then, obviously I had to have Liger do something about what’s-his-name in the chair—

Straw Man: Dr. Phil!

SteveT: So anyway….Liger, this is looking a bit too festive. You wanna…

Liger: Happy to oblige.

Liger pops out his claws and sets to work scratching up the curtains.

Big Al: SteveT, if I may interject…

[awwwwww]

Big Al: While I realize we asked for guests to come to out pa—

Flutter kicks Big Al

Big Al: --aaaaaaarticularly boring and unfestive Christmas cel—

Flutter kicks again

Flutter: --lllllllery Eating Contest--

Straw Man: I’m gonna win that, by the way

[WHOOOOOOO]

Big Al: There’s no party here, is what I’m trying to say.

SteveT: Liger, take a break.

Liger curls up by the fire and falls asleep.

SteveT: No party?

Flutter: Nope.

SteveT: What’s with the egg nog then?

Big Al: Product placement. It’s very disgusting.

SteveT: And the sweaters?

Flutter: Cultural convention. We had no choice.

SteveT: And the balloons and confetti held by a net above our heads?

Flutter: To drive away guests who talk too long.

SteveT: Huh. Okay then. Sorry to interrupt. SteveTrio, AWAY!

[awwwwwwww]

SteveT and Straw Man exit through the fake door to stage right. Liger shows no intention of moving until the fire dies down.

After an awkward pause,

Flutter: So….Dr….Phil?

Big Al: His name is Jim, Flutter.

Flutter: You okay in there, Jim?

Big Al: Cut to commercial.

~Flutter flicks on the TV. Big Al, grumbling, goes over to the refrigerator, but as he reaches for it, the fridge magnet that looks like a smiling pig rearranges itself into a ghostly face~

Big Al: *wipes his eyes and looks again. It's just a smiling pig again*.

~He opens the fridge, pulls out the bread pudding. He shuts the door, and suddenly, the alphabet refrigerator magnets rearrange themselves to spell BIG AL~

Face: BIIIIIG AAAAAALLL Oh, is that bread pudding?

Big Al: WAUGH! ~runs out of the kitchen, slams into Flutter coming the other way, and throws the pudding in the air. Flutter, who loves bread pudding, recovers, flies up and grabs it in mid-air and puts it down on the table, with a 'shew!'~

Flutter: What's wrong, man?

Big Al: I thought I saw-

~suddenly, a bunch of bells on the wall begin jangling on their own~

Big Al:

Flutter: Relax, that's just the comically old-timey doorbell I installed. I'll get it.

~Flutter goes to open the door and opens it. Outside the door is the spectral figure of Ditto McCloaker, in Victorian suit~

Flutter: Hi, Ditto. Who are you supposed to be?

Ditto: Ask me who I was.

Flutter: Umm... who were you supposed to be?

Ditto: In life, I was Big Al's partner, Ditto McCloaker.

Flutter: Hey, Al, your "life partner" is here. *does the little quote gesture*

Ditto: Mario Kart partner. I can come in?

Flutter: *snicker*

~Ditto walks in. In the light, he's tangled up in yards and yards of cord spaghetti. He's dragging behind him several game consoles, controllers, and even a flat-screen TV. In behind him floats a ghost Guisseppie, covered in chains, dragging several power-ups and coins. Ditto looks around at the decorations,and CD player playing Josh Groban to an empty house~

Ditto: And I thought I was dead.

Flutter: It's still early.

Al: Hey Ditto. Geez, what, did you die in a Toys R Us?

Ditto: Eh. It's about me playing games so much in life. It's a metapor. Is that bread pudding?

Flutter: Just baked. Cooled it down a bit in the fridge.

Ditto: Awesome. *dips himself some* Aw yeah, that's the stuff.

Al: So, is there a Hell?

Ditto: *munches bread pudding* Eeeeh, not... exactly. Well, it's the general idea. Yeah, there's a Hell.

Al: Oh. I guess I should pay attention in church, then.

Ditto: Eh. *shrugs* It's less what you know as who you know. It's really political, it's all connections.

Al: So you can't win.

Flutter: Hey guys, gimme a hand putting the angel on the tree?

Al: I'm coming. *holds ladder*

Ditto: Oh man, those things are so inaccurate. Like, the Angel of Mercy? He's fifty feet tall, with eight arms, thirty wings, and covered with eyeballs.

Flutter: That is so awesome.

Ditto: Hecks yes. When they say "Be Not Afraid" they're not just making idle conversation. Totally Eldritch.

Al: Scuze me, 21? 24? When you're done with your geek-fest, just put the angel on top.

Flutter: I wish we could put that on the tree

Guiseppie: Hey, wait, hang on a second. *rummages around and pops out a little C'tulhu figurine, knocks the little cute-winged-child angel off the top and puts the C'tulhu figurine on top*

Al: What?! NO!

Flutter: Oh, that is so kickass.

Ditto: Oh yeah, real Christianity is totally hardcore.

Al:

Flutter: Hey, who wants to play New Super Mario Bros. Wii?

Ditto: I'm in! I haven't had anyone to play it with yet!

Guisseppie: I'm Yellow Toad!

~They pop it in Ditto's Wii and all play it on his flat-screen~

Big Al: We'll be right back after this shameless plug for our new game.

No one looks up, but the red light on the camera turns off.

Big Al: Hey, guys, I need to go have a word with Jim. Try not to pop my guy. Big Al presses the A button.

Big Al pulls himself up, and walks through Ditto.

Ditto: Watch it, man!

Big Al: Sorry, I didn't realize your omniscience ended when someone stood directly in front of you.

Ditto: Well, now you know.

Big Al walks off the set into the control room. It's still covered in blood, Jim's blood, but the rest of the editing crew had got him bandaged up pretty well.

Big Al: Yeah, still... sorry about that. In my defense, I only invited Steve T. and Straw Man. I didn't think Liger could talk.

Jim: Haven't you done enough damage for one night?

Big Al: Hardly. You should have seen me in my prime. I stole Christmases left and right. Anyway, do we have anyone in the green room who isn't here because we kidnapped them, they're trying to kill us if we have fun, or wants to save me from an afterlife of being tangled in cords?

Jim: Everything's black now. I can see stars. They go on forever. I hear grandma. I'm coming grandma!

Big Al: Man, am I really that poorly liked? I mean, I've tried changing my ways, you know. I'm not nearly as pushy as I used to be.

Jim: No grandma, I'm not Dr. Phil. It's me, Jimmy! Your little pookum.

Big Al: Alright, well, send out the next guest before you die, okay?

~Jim faceplants on the control panel, sending in the next guest, as the last of his life drains away. I mean as he falls asleep.

On stage, an assassin covered with spikes enters the room where Flutter, Ditto, and Guisseppie play NSMB Wii.~

Assassin: Hey, I thought we were still at commercial.

Guisseppie: ~talking with a cigar in his mouth~ Who'a you?

Assassin: My name is Pincushion. I'm an assassin! Ta-da! ~does short tap dance number~

Ditto: Guisseppie, do you need to smoke on the set?

Guisseppie: If the cameras ain't rollin', it don' matter.

Pincushion: I don't like it when people smoke.

Flutter: Oh, sorry. ~extinguishes the fire in his hair~

~Al walks back on the set.~

Al: We may need a new Jim. Hey Pincushion.

Pincushion: Oh, hey Al. I like what you did with your hair there.

Al: Oh, really? I wasn't sure. It seemed a little out of character.

Pincushion: No, no, it really suits you. It's a good choice.

Eggplant Director: Alright everybody, we're back on the air in 3...

~Guisseppie throws his cigar under the rug.~

Eggplant Director: 2... 1!

Al: Oh no, it's Pincushion!

Pincushion: That's right, you pansies! I've crawled up from the depths of obscurity to learn you about this holiday's COOL STUFF TOYS for assassins!

Flutter: Oh, wow! You know, I have an assassin to buy for, but I never know what to get.

Pincushion: Well, now you will!

~Everyone smiles.~

OoC: ...yeah i don't feel like writing about killing implements. it may be best just to skip pincushion's little talk there.

Pincushion: Behold, the doom ball!

*Pincushion holds up a ball covered in what appears to be spikes, but they are all foam-tipped.*

Flutter: Wait a second! (pokes the ball repeatedly) That doesn't kill me, it's stupid!

Pincushion: But is it not compliant with Broadcast Standards & Practices? That's the only way I have to get by these days. Dying in the same post you're introduced in will do that to you.

Big Al: Show us something with more of an effect.

Pincushion: Funny story- it used to be called the death ball until the censors told me I had to avoid that "d" word. They also said my performance needed some more "Chris Tucker", you get me? Ah, and here's my next weapon. This is gonna be a most buy my assassin bruddas out there, fighting off the man... (whips out a giant, unnecessarily futuristic-looking cannon) This fires a twenty gigawatt laser beam that will knock your target into the next dimension.

Flutter: Next dimension... which one's that?

Ditto: Purgatory?

Big Al: Dimension of alien sex babes? How's that a punishment?

Pincushion: As long as it's not immediately fatal, I can do it. I'm Pincushion, baby, and ain't nobody gonna touch my radio!

Ditto: Why don't you demonstrate this device, old chap? Show us how it works?

Pincushion: Very well. HAVE FUN... IN THE NEXT DIMENSION!

*Pincushion fires a blast into the sound studio that obliterates Jim in a blinding flash. Nothing is left of him.*

Big Al: Looks like we're gonna need the backup Jim after all. (a red cloak floats up to to the sound stage)

Flutter: (snaps fingers) I got it! They get sent to MOG11!

Big Al: That's just stupid, Flutter. Dead people don't just magically show up in new dimensions explored in other OGs. I'm gonna have to put you back in the box.

*Big Al chases Flutter around the room with a whisk while Ditto and Pincushion compare their deaths and Lynel only slightly twitches in the corner.*

The Doors: This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend, the end. Of our elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise, the end. I'll never look into your eyes... again.

*Then, suddenly everyone freezes in place as a hush comes over the studio, while chills molest the spines of everyone present, while they all turn to watch him enter.*

Big Al: It appears that... our executive producer has entered the studio.

Pincushion: Who?

*Everyone begins drumming on their seats as a tall figure steps down the central aisle while people from nowhere rise playing trumpets darkly. Is there such a thing as death ska? That is what this should be. Everyone begins to sing.*

Flutter: (swinging around from a pole) He hates us all and wants us dead!
With this contract, he did entrap us;
he hates Christmas, and when with this show shall go our heads! (spastic dance number)

*The trumpets slow down.*

Ditto: (swoops gastly through the air, cackling) We're Marley and Marley, whooo!
we thought we could trust him, with our hearts and souls.
But he was demon, and our end was in his furnace as his coal.

They say many things about him:
Ejaculated from the heavens,
pontificated from our hell;
But when you ask him, he just says-

Donkeyman: (twists toothpick in mouth) I'm the Donkeyman.
Nothing personal.

*Big Al dances in a ragtime solo.*

Big Al: What a fool I was, what a fool we've all been!
Running in loops for this crazy madmin!
They say he walks through Germany every Christmas morn.
As Krampus, the one who makes children foregone!

*At the same time, Jim.*

Jim: I've never met this guy, I don't know him in the slightest!
Just the sight makes me wish for a mouth to vomit through
And internal organs to fail if he just looks at me too!

I have a feeling he could kill me,
the god without a body,
And all he would say is.

Donkeyman: I'm the Donkeyman.
Nothing personal.

*The Donkeyman steps onto the stage and tosses off his business suit while his rippling muscles dance. One Mariorocks dies of being aroused and repulsed so strongly at the same time. The Donkeyman begins.*

Donkeyman: That's right, I say, I'm all those things and more!
I'm the worst thing you'd imagine,
And woe to anything that's born!

*As he sings, the stage rises and deforms around him while everyone looks on in pure horror.*

This season will die as will this show,
my ratings will rise and you will know.
Love comes second to me, and I don't mind at all!

*The Donkeyman tilts his hat over his head.*

Donkeyman: I'm the Donkeyman.
Nothing personal.

*The music dies down. Everyone takes a minute to recover from their heart attacks while the stage reverts to normal, Donkeyman polishes his nails and Lynel shivers in his sleep.*

Big Al: So... what's up, boss?

Donkeyman: I've come to collect.

Big Al: We'll be right back after this preview of the summons system.

Donkeyman: Heehaw, perhaps you aren't aware. I bought all the remaining commercials on your special. You shall have no choice but to renege on our agreement.

Ditto starts paying attention.

Ditto: Wait, agreement?

Flutter: Heh heh, funny story. See, we wanted to do a Christmas Special, right? But no one will broadcast us.

Big Al: Right, then Donkeyman appears out of nowhere and says, "I shall give you a Christmas Special for your souls."

Flutter: And, boom, suddenly, our souls are outside our bodies and hanging on by our noses, but we're looking at them like we'd never seen white loogies before.

Big Al: So, we said, "But we don't want to trade our souls," and he was all, "then you will need advertisers and give me the money, or your souls are forfeit."

Flutter: But no one wanted to advertise, so we had to sell our souls to make a video game to advertise with.

Big Al: "Your game must sell, or your souls are forfeit."

Ditto: I can't believe you made a deal with the Donkeyman.

Pincushion: You don't make a deal with the Donkeyman.

Ditto: You don't make a deal with the Donkeyman.

Pincushion and Ditto: You don't make a deal with the Donkeyman.

Ditto: Less you want a hole where you once had a soul.

Flutter: You don't lecture us on how to live.

Big Al: You don't lecture us on how to live.

Flutter and Big Al: You don't lecture us on how to live.

Flutter: Do I look like a man who don't have a plan?

Donkeyman: You couldn't even sell fifteen copies of the game! You couldn't even sell fifteen copies of the game! You'll never sell fifteen copies copies of the game! And you can keep your souls if that ain't so.

A spark of brilliance flickered in Al's brain and Flutter's… tetrapod equivalent.

Al & Flutter: That's it!

Big Al: Director! Is the SteveTrio still in the Green Room?

Eggplant Director: Yeah, I think so.

Flutter: And is Golem still locked in the bathroom?

Eggplant Director: That's a broom closet.

Flutter: Even better. Bring them all to the set.

~10 minutes later~

SteveT: This isn't going to be fun is it?

Flutter: Not at all. Our souls are on the line.

Strawman: I approve.

Big Al: We were going to wait to do this, but I think it's time for Secret Santa. Golem.

Golem: Thanks.

Big Al: Wait to unwrap it. SteveT, Strawman, Liger.

SteveT: This better suck.

Big Al: Pincushion, Ditto, Guisseppie.

Ditto: Can you open it for us?

Big Al: Jim's Next of Kin, and Backup Jim.

Jim's Widow: *sobs* thank you so much.

Big Al: Director, get your eggplant ass out here.

Director: I should be in more OGs.

Big Al: And last but not least, Lynel and our boss, Donkeyman.

Donkeyman: Hrm?

Flutter: You can all open them.

Everyone opens their gifts, to find... a Copy of Party Goers RPG: VR Trouble in Paradise.

Ditto: Ha, that's pretty clever, actually.

Big Al: To be fair, the key was Donkeyman's hubris.

Flutter: Besides, I didn't want to put a lot of thought into what to get everyone.

Donkeyman: You're slick, son, I'll give you that, but if you can count, you know you're still down by two.

Flutter: Oh...

Big Al: Shit...

Ditto: If I'm not mistaken, the two of you haven't gotten gifts.

Flutter and Al look at each other with dejected horror.

Donkeyman: Go on, you two, open your gifts.

Flutter unwraps his gift.

Big Al: I got you that Weapon Brown with Detachable Bionic Arm and Snoop you wanted.

Flutter: Better start enjoying it while I can

Big Al unwraps his gift.

Flutter: I got you that Hughie X with Marmaduke I wanted.

Big Al: Fun.

Donkeyman: Don't wreck your brains too hard. I'll be back at the end of the show to collect my debt.

Big Al: Damn you!

Donkeyman: It's nothing personal.

*Donkeyman leaves neighing victoriously*

Big Al: *sniffle*

Flutter: Eh, cheer up. Could be worse.

Big Al: How could it be worse?

Flutter: He could own our souls... oh wait... He could also own Golem's soul. That's it!

Big Al: We are not selling Golem's soul.

Flutter: *cough*Playstation4*cough*

Big Al: Yet.

Ditto: Don't worry, we still have the rest of the special left. It's Christmas even miracles can happen.

Steve: He's right. At Christmas why even the SteveTrio might party.

Big Al: Really?

Strawman: No. Quite an uplifting thought though.

Flutter: Wait! Stop this mindless filler chatter! I have another plan. But we'll need to be asleep.

Ditto: Asleep? For what?

Big Al: Wait... are you talking about Santa Claus? Cause you kidnapped him last night. He put you on the permanent naughty list.

Flutter: It's okay, I've got a plan for that too. Let's drag him out.

~Santa is pulled out of the Storage Closet. Applause track plays, until it is abruptly cut off when Steve looks at the sound booth~

Santa: Flutter stop this at once! Think of the children who won't get presents under the tree!

Big Al: Enough caring about orphans and caring!

Flutter: He's right Santa, we have an actual real problem. Unlike you.

Big Al: Dear Santa we don't want to be dragged kicking and screaming to Hell.

Santa: Very well. *claps hands* You'll go willingly. *Touches finger to nose and disappears.*

Flutter: Santa's a jerk.

Big Al: What we need is a Christmas miracle.

~everyone sighs at this~

Ditto: Oh wait, my soul already belongs to Hell. What am I so bummed about?

SteveT: I have no soul.

Straw Man: Look at me, no hands!

Flutter: Wait, we can ENGINEER a Christmas miracle!

Big Al: *slaps Flutter* Whatchoo talking about Flutter.

Flutter: We could-

Big Al: *slaps Flutter* Whatchoo talking about Flutter.

Flutter: Use a-

Big Al: *slaps Flutter* Whatchoo talking about Flutter.

Flutter: WOULD YOU STOP THAT!?

Big Al: *slaps Flutter, but SteveT is nice enough to grab his hand and try to break it off*

~the show skips ahead, when we're back, everyone is in mostly in the same position. Al's arm is in a cast~

Flutter: Okay, as I was saying, we could use a hostage. And what better hostage than this one? ~Flutter opens the broom closet. A Golem tied up in bows and gift wrap falls face forward~

Ditto: *strokes his chin* Okay, okay. A hostage. Good. What does a hostage get you - and more importantly - me?

Flutter: Here's the plan. We'll have Steve here take Golem to the roof of the studio. He's going to threaten to kill Golem the minute it hits midnight on Christmas morning.

SteveT: It won't just be a threat.

Flutter: But then a little kid, or maybe a reindeer, a snowman, or something will show up. They'll teach Steve the true meaning of Christmas in order to win his soul back. But because he has no soul, we'll get OUR souls back by proxy!

Ditto: That is an absolutely idiotic plan.

Pincushion: The numbers just don't add up! *demonstrates this on a abacus made of shurikens and loses a finger in the process*

Big Al: ... hmm, I guess it all depends. Can we get the cameras outside to film it?

Eggplant Director: No problem, boss!

Big Al: We'll do it, then!

Eggplant Director: Up on the roof arose such a clatter, I spranged my back to see what was the matter.

Golem: Don't I get a say in this whole human sacrifice thing?

Big Al: Sure, you do.

Golem: Good. I vote we don't do it.

Flutter: I vote we do.

Big Al: I vote we do.

Flutter: Democracy in action

~They tie Golem to the giant broadcasting antenna, and lay kindling at his feet.~

Golem: Don't I get a last meal or something?

Flutter: You'll get nothing and like it.

Flutter lights up the kindling.

SteveT: You know, I didn't think I was going to enjoy myself, but this is getting pretty good.

Flutter draws chalk outlines below the fire.

Flutter: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl! From the depths of the eternal netherworlds, I summon thee!

~A swirling vortex appears in the sky and spirals down to the rooftop.

EggplantDirector: It was that moment that a brilliant angel of heavenly chorus appeared

~and blew out the fire underneath Golem.~

Angel: Be not afraid, for I bring good savings of great products!

Everyone AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Angel: I said, "Be not afraid" what part of that do you not understand?

Big Al: Sorry, it's just that we don't usually see people who are 50 feet tall.

Ditto: With eight arms.

SteveT: Or thirty wings.

Flutter: Covered in nipple to nipple eyeballs.

Big Al: Great angel, who are you?

Clarence: I'm Clarence, the Boxing Day Clearance Angel. I have come because the two of you know the true meaning of Christmas.

Flutter & Al: We do?

Clarence: Indeed. Christmas isn't about giving, receiving, brotherhood, or lucrative marketing rights.

Ditto & Flutter: It's not?

Clarence: It's not. The true meaning of Christmas...

everyone looks on in anticipation.

Clarence: ...is money.

Everyone: Of course!

Clarence: You've got it in your heads that Christmas is so great, clearly ignoring all the copious ammounts of hate. Think: you never wanted to see your family; if it were up to you, you'd have the winter free. The reason for the season is solely money~!

Everyone: The colors of Christmas are clearly gold and green, the only red is on president Grant, if you know what I mean. Big Al and Flutter might have sold their souls, but imagine their surprise at the diamond in Santa's coal.

Big Al: Now that I think about it, this guy is really right. A mark upon the season is that Christmas blight. Thanks to this commerce angel I have seen the light. I'll offer up a coffer every Christmas night.

Everyone: The colors of Christmas are clearly gold and green, the only red is on president Grant, if you know what I mean. Big Al and Flutter might have sold their souls, but certainly they have a way to subvert Donkeyman's goal.

Flutter: So I sold my soul even though I had it all; "The reason for the season?" Well, that was my fall. If I had a moral compass I'd be uphauled. Help me out, you Christmas bastard; right my every all.

Everyone: Huh?

Flutter: Shrugs ~dances~

Clarence: Enough! I have done a great deed for you. The price of "Party Goers RPG: VR Trouble in Paradise" have been slashed. Parents will line up from miles around to get their hands on this mindblowingly cheap game.

Flutter: Hooray! Who would pass up a cheap, terrible game?

‘Twas the night after boxing day. All through the store
Not an item was selling, not even a……microwave.
The sale signs were hung from the windows with care
In hopes that the customers soon would be there.

The salespeople lounged there with nothing to do
With the registers silent, no one in the queue.
The manager shouted, “You all should just quit.
And spare me the effort. You workers are….bad.”

Then what do you know, someone said “Look! A van!”
And out of the door came good Wariofan.
He entered the store and said, “I sure hope it’s here.
I’ve been looking all night and I’m starting to fear.”

He went to the game rack and said, “Oh what luck!
I finally found it, and just twenty bucks.
PGRVTP, what a wonderful game.
It’s so hard to find. How incredibly lame.

“I’ve checked eighty stores, but here, on your shelves,
An abundance of copies. I’d say more than twelve!
But how could so many have stayed here unsold
Unless you’re as bad as your manager told.

“The plot is engrossing, the graphics are tight,
You’ll play it all day and you’ll play it all night.
A week will go by, and sure, you might smell,
But there’s twice as much game left, and sidequests as well!

Then he turned around and he said to the clerks,
“Just buy this darn software, you big bunch of jerks!”
He purchased his copy and unlocked his van,
Then said, “I never was here, don’t you tell Donkeyman.”

The clerks looked around. Was it really that great?
They decided to try it. They just couldn’t wait.
In five minute’s time, there were none of the shelves
For the workers had bought every copy themselves.