Scene: A giant black old-timey ship sails through rough waters into a foreign port

KURIHAMA, JAPAN
July 14, 1852

Admiral Matthew Perry: Hey! Open up, Japan!

The Japanese: That's an interesting idea. Here's another one. How about we shuffle our feet until you get frustrated and leave?

Perry: A'ight. I'll be back. *sails away*

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

Scene: Perry returns with nine, count 'em, nine gunships.

Perry: Hey Japan! Open up. Or I'll blast you clear into China.

The Japanese: Aaaaaaaah, Mr. Perry-san, welcome to Japan! Please do come in!

Perry: Gaijin Smash.

Setting: Nintendo of America Headquarters
Redmond, Washington
Present Day

Super Happy Cheerful Tour Guide: And here in this display case are an original deck of Hanafuda playing cards, Nintendo's first product.

Ditto McCloaker: At the end of the Tokugawa period, the feudal era was coming to an end and a lot of old samurai families found themselves broke. Fujisaro Yamauchi was one of these and in order to support his family he took to hand-printing his own playing cards of mulberry tree bark. The commercial route was considered dishonorable for noble clans, but Fujisaro's cards became immensely popular and he soon had to hire extra help to keep up with demand. Fujisaro was of course the great-grandfather of Hiroshi Yamauchi, the President who led Nintendo into the video game era before retiring in 2002.

Entire Tour Crowd: ~gapes at Ditto~

Ditto: What, it's interesting.

Vorpal: Shut up you spazz.

Masa: Geez, why don't YOU be a tour guide, man?

Ditto: We have Matthew Perry to thank for opening up trade relations between the United States and Japan. Before then, the Emperor only allowed foreign trade in the port of Deijima. Anyone caught trading outside that area could be arrested, publicly humiliated, cut up, and oh yes, my personal favorite, hung upside down by their feet until dead.

Tour Guide: Well, we *were* going to hold a Nintendo trivia contest later with first prize being an original deck of Hanafuda cards, but listening to you it's pretty clear that would be just a formality at this point. Here you go. *hands Ditto deck of Hanafuda cards*

Ditto: Sweet! We can go play a few rounds this evening, I'll explain the rules on the tour bus back to the hotel.

Gamehikers: *groooaaaaaan*

~Back at the Hotel~

Lupus: Hah, I invoke Chrysanthemum Beam of February, I believe I win again.

Ditto: This isn't how the game is played.

Director: I much prefer playing them like Pokemon cards, heh heh. My Shadow-Type Cherry Trees are really great.

GORE: Hey, Encyclopedia Brown, what do these symbols on the lower right corners of the cards?

Ditto: Hm? Lemme see. *takes out lens* They're in Japanese letters. Only one man can decipher these for us.

~In a half second he turns his head to Vorpal~

Ditto: Vorpal, you know some Japanese, what do these say?

Vorpal: This one is "dark." That one is "ships." And this is "treasure" and that one is "Emperor..."

Ditto: Strange, it appears to be some kind of cipher that nobody's figured out in over a hundred years. Gimme a minute.

*rearranges the cards into perfect order*

Ditto: They're a haiku! Let's see here...

Chained country opens
White devil wants our treasure
He don't get jack, fool

Ditto: Hmm, "Chained Country" was a term for Japan when no one was allowed in or out. White devil was the ancient term for honored foreigners. Holy crap, it's talking about some kind of secret treasure the first President of Nintendo hid from foreign clutches!

It MUST be a trail of cryptic bullsh*t clues which will, after tons of adventure and stuff, lead to a secret hidden samurai Great Nintendo Treasure!

~A secret camera watches them~

Sony US President: Hm, get me the home office in Japan.

Kaz Hirai: YES?!

US President of Sony: Sir, someone's finally on the trail of the great Nintendo treasure.

Hirai: It is of the utmost importance that we get ahold of that treasure. Sony is in grave financial trouble due to shoddy products and arrogant, incompetent leadership. If we get ahold of the great Nintendo treasure, we can fund Sony's operations forever and retake the console market! BECAUSE WE'RE EFFING SONY!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ditto: Hm there's only one thing to do, we must fly to Japan and sneak into the mansion of Hirioshi Yamauchi and get ahold of his ancestor's papers to find the next clue! WHO'S WITH ME?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

US Sony President: *lurking in corner* Okay, they're starting off. Now, you're one of the Gamehikers too, they'll trust you. Are you sure you can get the treasure?

????: Leave it to me.

US Sony President: Who are you, anyway...?

????: I am...

OoC: Movie Parody eh? Right up my aisle!

???I am....

Agent D.

*everyone in the room gasps*


---

Vorpal: Great Ditto! But uh... hirioshi mansion has been gone for two hundred years. No one remembers where it was.

Camera: No treasure, squawk.

Vorpal: Since when does that "thing" go squawk?

Director: Pirate movie. Doesnt like to talk about it.

*Director and Vorpal stare into camera's deep red, horrifying eyes.*

Vorpal: AHHHHHH!!

Director: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!


Vorpal & Director: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Masa: AW SHUTUP WILL YA! WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE MANSION IS!

Ditto: I got it!

Everyone: Really!

Ditto:.......... no.....

*Everyone falls over*

Ditto: wait wait.... I wonder....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now lets see, these cards... have drawings of scenery on them..... now if I Arrange them just riiiiiiiight. BAM! Thats what the Mansion looked like, now if i compare this to a map I will find it's location..... BAM! We're going to 1243 Nagasaki street!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*at 1243 Nagaski street*

Director: It's a McDonalds Ditto.

Ditto: Ha! McDonalds Ditto is my middle name. Follow me, and I shall show you all!

*They all stroll into the McDonald's. The Japanese cashier spots the crowd of white guys and shoves an English-Speaking Man into his place.*

English-Speaking Man: What can I get you, sir?

Ditto: I'll have the... "Hiroshi Value Meal".

English-Speaking Man: (narrows eyes) Follow me, pack of sirs.

Director: Hold on! Your motivation... you're like the Cigarette Smoking Man, but with English instead of cigerattes.

English-Speaking Man: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU POMPOUS OVERSIZED PRODUCE!

Masamune: Yeah, yeah, just show us to the treasure!

English-Speaking Man: (narrows eyes) Follow me, sirs.

*The English-Speaking Man leads them to the kitchen.*

English-Speaking Man: The Hiroshi Mansion vanished years ago. Only one clue survived. I have spent years studying the clue to decipher its meanings.

Vorpal: Ahh, sou desu!

English-Speaking Man: Quite. You're free to take a swing at it if you want. (holds up a golden ticket) It's printed on this.

Lupus: I'll read it! I have a PHD in reading!

Go to the place of ghosts
The sunshine drives the ghost away
Then you're free, to play and play

Ditto: Elementary my dear Hikers! The solution is quite thus: the map in the beginning of Luigi's Mansion holds the answers. If we compare it to a topagraphic map of Japan, our next clue lies in... the slums of Japan... the Toki Ho Section!

English-Speaking Man: ...Very well. I will lead you there.

*The English Speaking Man presses a button. The McDonald's grows rotors and begins flying into the air.*

Fred: (sticks his head out of a tube in the jungle gym area) Hey ma I'm flying!

~Soon, The 'Hikers look down on the Toki Ho Section from their floating fast food factory.~

Lupus: ~turns to GORE while pointing to the ground.~ I bet you I can hit that guy with this penny.

~When suddenly, the building rocks from an explosion. The patrons sigh in boredom.~

Masa: What was that?!

GORE: ~points out the window~ Them!

~Everyone runs to the window to see a flying KFC piloted by none other than...~

Voice: THIS IS GILL BATES SPEAKING!

English-Speaking Man (ESM): ~looking at a computer panel~ He's hacked into our PA system! But we still have control over most everything else... I think.

Vorpal: Here comes another one!!

~The KFC fires a rocket out of its drive-thru window and the McDonalds shakes again.~

Gill Bates: I know you're after the legendary treasure, you Nintendo themed people! Surrender the clues to me!

GORE: What the hell? Did we publicize this top secret mission or something?

Lupus: Was that bad?

Masa: ~to ESM~ Do something!

ESM: I'm trying, but this thing isn't built for combat! We can't maneuver quickly enough, we can't attack, and we can't take many more hits!

Vorpal: ~shoves ESM aside~ Let ME at the controls, I had 7 Sky Palaces in my day!

ESM: Uhh, what happened to the first six?

Vorpal: Crashed slash blew up, like the seventh.

ESM: ~gulp~

~Vorpal does some furious work at the controls and the McDonalds starts flying away from the KFC quickly.~

Bates: If you don't surrender, I'll have to fire again!

Vorpal: Tech Sgt. Toad! Can we take another hit?

GORE: ~wearing a mushroom cap~ No sir!

Vorpal: Metal Mario! Prepare the McDonalds coffee so acidic that it can burn through this missile and hopefully make it malfunction!

Director: ~wearing a metal cap while humming the Metal Mario theme~ Yes sir! ~runs to the coffee machine~

Vorpal: Roy! Prepare a launching mechanism for the coffee!

ESM: ~appears in Melee as a Marth clone~ The drive thru cannon that really shouldn't exist is ready, sir!

Vorpal: Good!

~Ditto has been looking at the ground this entire time.~

Ditto: Hmm... something about the arrangement of these buildings is curious... but I don't know what...

~And Fred leaps onto the KFC and starts gnawing on the walls from the outside. Inside the KFC...~

Munch: Sir, we're under attack!

Bates: What is it?

Munch: Some Canadian is eating the hull!

Bates: I don't even know who you are!

Munch: Oddworld?

Bates: Right, right. Now, what was that again?

Munch: Hull-eating Canadian!

Fred: Num Num num

*Gill Bates walks into the room with a gun, poised at Fred.*

Gill: Stop.

Fred: I'm hungry-

*senor abbots bursts in*

Senor Abbot: Aye Carumba, i want to prosecute!

*Gill Bates kicks abbots out of the plane*

Gill: No arrest him.

*Fred has eaten the motor out of the plane, it begins to fall. Fred jumps ship over to the McDonalds.*

Gill: Damn it all.

Munch: Sir our plane is falling.

Gill: Woah really

Munch: No

Gill: Good one.

*The KFC's colonel sanders head begins to shake. It's mouth opens to fire.... A GRAPLING HOOK!?!*

Vorpal: We're taking on water!

Lupus: wait I know what to do.

*Lupus severs the rope.*

Gill: They're tricky all right.

*At the McDonalds aircraft, Director is twisting a rubber band. He hops inside and it launches him on top of the KFC, making it explode, with the number 1000 above it.*

Director: Ownt.

Vorpal: Now hop back over!

Director: huh?

*Director plummets to the ground.*

Vorpal: Scratch one.

Ditto: HERE WE ARE!

Vorpal: Huh?

ESM: Huh?

Ditto: The Konisawawawawaw graveyard

*The McDonalds lands at the entrance*

~~~

*Director wakes up inside of a scary building.*

Director: Where am I....

Japanese Man: You are Amellican si?

Director: yeah

Japanese Man: Today-a is youra lucky day!

Director: You're Italian, aren't you.

Italian Man: Si. Welcome-a to Burger King, your-a majesty!

Ditto: I'm afraid we've lost one of our crew.

Vorpal: He'll be alright. I'm sure they don't eat eggplant, wherever he is.

Masamune: So where are we going, anyways?

Ditto: Not where, but who.

Masamune: No, where.

Ditto: Alright, we're going to Minamoto no Yoshitsune's grave.

Vorpal: Didn't he commit suicide?

Ditto: Watch and weep. (digs up Yoshitsune's grave.)

Vorpal: witjerijfei That's imvorpossible.

Ditto: Anything is Vorpossible when your movie has a finite budget, my friend.

Lupus: Let me look at it; I've got my bachelor's in looking.

Luigi: I don't know... you were obviously more qualified to read, bu-

Lupus: I haven't been alive long enough to get a PHd in two things just let me do my stuff. Step back, I've got to concentrate.

(Lupus moves his finger to some bright yellow text on the front of the casket that everyone else had failed to notice)

Lupus: There!

Luigi: He IS good!

Ditto: It's written in some sort of... English. What does it say?

Lupus: "I AM ERROR". Oh, wait... mistranslation... it reads "CD-i".

Masamune: Phillips is a Dutch company!

Luigi: Which means we have to go to...

Vorpal: To... uh, hm...

Ditto: Hm...

Mariorocks: The netherlands!

Fred: Very good. But you'll never make it there alive. You know far too much. (Pulls out a revolver, carefully placing each bullet into it and snapping it shut)

Ditto: But you? Why?

Fred: Perhaps if the Nintendo Treasure was found, there would be a dive in the Wood Softener stock. Or perhaps Maple Syrup. You fail to realise how deep this truly goes, Gentlemen. Did you foolishly believe we met by accident?

Masamune: Then why did you help us against KFC?

Fred: I WAS BORED SCREW OFF OK