Scene: A giant black old-timey ship sails through rough waters into a foreign port
July 14, 1852
Admiral Matthew Perry: Hey! Open up, Japan!
The Japanese: That's an interesting idea. Here's another one. How about we shuffle our feet until you get frustrated and leave?
Perry: A'ight. I'll be back. *sails away*
SEVEN MONTHS LATER
Scene: Perry returns with nine, count 'em, nine gunships.
Perry: Hey Japan! Open up. Or I'll blast you clear into China.
The Japanese: Aaaaaaaah, Mr. Perry-san, welcome to Japan! Please do come in!
Perry: Gaijin Smash.
Setting: Nintendo of America Headquarters
Super Happy Cheerful Tour Guide: And here in this display case are an original deck of Hanafuda playing cards, Nintendo's first product.
Ditto McCloaker: At the end of the Tokugawa period, the feudal era was coming to an end and a lot of old samurai families found themselves broke. Fujisaro Yamauchi was one of these and in order to support his family he took to hand-printing his own playing cards of mulberry tree bark. The commercial route was considered dishonorable for noble clans, but Fujisaro's cards became immensely popular and he soon had to hire extra help to keep up with demand. Fujisaro was of course the great-grandfather of Hiroshi Yamauchi, the President who led Nintendo into the video game era before retiring in 2002.
Entire Tour Crowd: ~gapes at Ditto~
Ditto: What, it's interesting.
Vorpal: Shut up you spazz.
Masa: Geez, why don't YOU be a tour guide, man?
Ditto: We have Matthew Perry to thank for opening up trade relations between the United States and Japan. Before then, the Emperor only allowed foreign trade in the port of Deijima. Anyone caught trading outside that area could be arrested, publicly humiliated, cut up, and oh yes, my personal favorite, hung upside down by their feet until dead.
Tour Guide: Well, we *were* going to hold a Nintendo trivia contest later with first prize being an original deck of Hanafuda cards, but listening to you it's pretty clear that would be just a formality at this point. Here you go. *hands Ditto deck of Hanafuda cards*
Ditto: Sweet! We can go play a few rounds this evening, I'll explain the rules on the tour bus back to the hotel.
~Back at the Hotel~
Lupus: Hah, I invoke Chrysanthemum Beam of February, I believe I win again.
Ditto: This isn't how the game is played.
Director: I much prefer playing them like Pokemon cards, heh heh. My Shadow-Type Cherry Trees are really great.
GORE: Hey, Encyclopedia Brown, what do these symbols on the lower right corners of the cards?
Ditto: Hm? Lemme see. *takes out lens* They're in Japanese letters. Only one man can decipher these for us.
~In a half second he turns his head to Vorpal~
Ditto: Vorpal, you know some Japanese, what do these say?
Vorpal: This one is "dark." That one is "ships." And this is "treasure" and that one is "Emperor..."
Ditto: Strange, it appears to be some kind of cipher that nobody's figured out in over a hundred years. Gimme a minute.
*rearranges the cards into perfect order*
Ditto: They're a haiku! Let's see here...
Chained country opens
White devil wants our treasure
He don't get jack, fool
Ditto: Hmm, "Chained Country" was a term for Japan when no one was allowed in or out. White devil was the ancient term for honored foreigners. Holy crap, it's talking about some kind of secret treasure the first President of Nintendo hid from foreign clutches!
It MUST be a trail of cryptic bullsh*t clues which will, after tons of adventure and stuff, lead to a secret hidden samurai Great Nintendo Treasure!
~A secret camera watches them~
Sony US President: Hm, get me the home office in Japan.
Kaz Hirai: YES?!
US President of Sony: Sir, someone's finally on the trail of the great Nintendo treasure.
Hirai: It is of the utmost importance that we get ahold of that treasure. Sony is in grave financial trouble due to shoddy products and arrogant, incompetent leadership. If we get ahold of the great Nintendo treasure, we can fund Sony's operations forever and retake the console market! BECAUSE WE'RE EFFING SONY!
Ditto: Hm there's only one thing to do, we must fly to Japan and sneak into the mansion of Hirioshi Yamauchi and get ahold of his ancestor's papers to find the next clue! WHO'S WITH ME?
US Sony President: *lurking in corner* Okay, they're starting off. Now, you're one of the Gamehikers too, they'll trust you. Are you sure you can get the treasure?
????: Leave it to me.
US Sony President: Who are you, anyway...?
????: I am...
"Any plan vere hyu lose hyu hat iss a bad plan."
~Ancient Jagermonster proverb